Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Page 28

Day of rest...

This week has had a recurring theme - fitting in.

There are so many times when fitting in is everything, and yet it seems so impossible. There are also times when it comes easier than expected.

I'm discovering some insecurities that I didn't want to admit. I have a hard time fitting in. I have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be in the company of others. For example, I had a rehearsal with a fella I'm doing a scene with for Scriprov. Now, I'm not just some schmuck off the street. I am a trained actor and singer. I've been doing this for years and years. But for some reason I show up to rehearsal with someone new and I start acting like I don't belong. I give them the opportunity to think of me as someone they either need to lead by the hand, or say "you'll be fine, sweetie. Don't worry" like I have no idea what I'm doing. I get all flustered with myself and start apologizing for everything. It's as if I were some 12 year old in their first community theatre play. Why do I do this? Why can't I simply own my experience and choices? Why can't I be confident in my abilities? Of course there is always room to grow and I try to learn from every experience, but I have had enough experiences that I shouldn't behave that way. It serves no one. My partners must think, "what the hell have I gotten myself into?"Well that isn't fair. I want them to have confidence and trust that I will be there just as much for them as they are for me. Why am I so damned needy?

Even at home I feel like this sometimes. I have a very hard time saying what I want and asking for what I need. Instead I either pout or give in and acquiesce to everyone else. The unfairness in that is the build up. It festers until one day I sort of spew it all up. I create victimness for myself. Ugh. How awful is that?

Here's the rub, I am not a dumb person. I have walked miles in my shoes and had as many glories as tragedies. I have a resume. I have been trained and have lived enough to bring that training to life. I have performed with greats on great stages. I have also been quelled. I have been beaten up and tossed out - literally and metaphorically. My life has run some gamuts. I need to own all of that. Every bit of that needs to ride on my surface as well as deep below. Gotta figure out this crazy insecurity and do something about it.

I need to fit in, not necessarily with other people as much as within my own skin. I think I may be using this fitting into a size thing as a tool to actually fitting into myself. Ok. Good. It's funny how my head is connecting with my body. As I'm shedding pounds, I'm shedding facades. I'm looking at my naked self in new ways and hopefully that is the path to new living.

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