Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Page 29

So my hand was in pretty bad shape. Very swollen, but not as bad as it has been in the past when I got stung. It burns, itches, hurts. There again, not as bad as in the past. I am determined to not let this keep me down. I will not give up because of a stupid sting.

I kept my paw in one of two states all day long - either in a bowl of ice or cast in a baking soda paste. It seems to be working. I also popped Benadryl like a junkie.

Pax is doing great. His swelling is almost all gone, as is the reddish purple-ish color around his eyes. He is playing like normal and having a grand old time.

Sleep is helping. Eating ok, despite the tray of brownies taunting me from the kitchen. Keeping it all in check. Tried doing some stairs, but nearly feel over dizzy and had to stop. Right now, standing upright and keeping up with little bear is a feat.

I will be back in the saddle before the end of this week! I will!

Page 28

Day of rest...

This week has had a recurring theme - fitting in.

There are so many times when fitting in is everything, and yet it seems so impossible. There are also times when it comes easier than expected.

I'm discovering some insecurities that I didn't want to admit. I have a hard time fitting in. I have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be in the company of others. For example, I had a rehearsal with a fella I'm doing a scene with for Scriprov. Now, I'm not just some schmuck off the street. I am a trained actor and singer. I've been doing this for years and years. But for some reason I show up to rehearsal with someone new and I start acting like I don't belong. I give them the opportunity to think of me as someone they either need to lead by the hand, or say "you'll be fine, sweetie. Don't worry" like I have no idea what I'm doing. I get all flustered with myself and start apologizing for everything. It's as if I were some 12 year old in their first community theatre play. Why do I do this? Why can't I simply own my experience and choices? Why can't I be confident in my abilities? Of course there is always room to grow and I try to learn from every experience, but I have had enough experiences that I shouldn't behave that way. It serves no one. My partners must think, "what the hell have I gotten myself into?"Well that isn't fair. I want them to have confidence and trust that I will be there just as much for them as they are for me. Why am I so damned needy?

Even at home I feel like this sometimes. I have a very hard time saying what I want and asking for what I need. Instead I either pout or give in and acquiesce to everyone else. The unfairness in that is the build up. It festers until one day I sort of spew it all up. I create victimness for myself. Ugh. How awful is that?

Here's the rub, I am not a dumb person. I have walked miles in my shoes and had as many glories as tragedies. I have a resume. I have been trained and have lived enough to bring that training to life. I have performed with greats on great stages. I have also been quelled. I have been beaten up and tossed out - literally and metaphorically. My life has run some gamuts. I need to own all of that. Every bit of that needs to ride on my surface as well as deep below. Gotta figure out this crazy insecurity and do something about it.

I need to fit in, not necessarily with other people as much as within my own skin. I think I may be using this fitting into a size thing as a tool to actually fitting into myself. Ok. Good. It's funny how my head is connecting with my body. As I'm shedding pounds, I'm shedding facades. I'm looking at my naked self in new ways and hopefully that is the path to new living.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Page 27

So I learned today I am not a big fan of wrenches. Not the tool kind, the "in the system" kind. Day started with a run. It was going well, my pace was good, I had some energy, things were going swimmingly. Then I decided to change it up and headed out of the park and into the neighborhood. That's when the spiral started spinning - heading more and more into the out of control zone. I miscalculated my route and got stuck trying to cross a street by a large, and I mean very large and very loud group of motorcycle enthusiasts riding down Lowell. I wound up really screwing up my pace and came in .08 miles off my distance. Not a real big deal, but was kind of an omen for the rest of the day.

When I got home, things were fine. The boys were up and enjoying themselves. I made coffee. Shawn made breakfast. Ok. A little later on I decided to take Pax and Huxley (our doggie) on a nature walk around the block. Spiral in full gear. About midway through, Pax and I got stung by a bee. Pax twice, one behind the knee and one right between his eyes. I got stung in the hand. I am allergic to wasps and therefor it has been assumed I am allergic to bees as well. We had no idea whether or not Pax inherited that trait. I screamed, grabbed him and started running home. I was crying, Pax was crying, poor Huxley was confused. It was a scene. Got home and yelled for Shawn. We decided to get to an urgent center immediately - just in case. We called our pediatrician and sat in the parking lot of the urgent center watching for signs of anaphylactic shock. After about 40 minutes, we knew we were out of the major danger zone, but not completely out of the woods. We left and went to a drug store to get some baby Benadryl. The window of bee allergy is 20 minutes for serious allergy, 2 hours for minor allergy. It looks like our baby isn't allergic - thank goodness. He's doing fine. His face is swollen, but going down and not in pain. Breathing.

Me? Well, one of the reactions I get with this stuff is called an exaggerated response. It usually takes about 24 hours for the response to kick in. And it is kicking in. My hand keeps swelling and the swelling spreads. It also itches and burns rather extensively, and that spreads too. The last time I got stung, I developed a staff infection and was hooked to an IV for two days. Let's hope and pray that doesn't happen this time. I'm trying to stay calm and not aggravate it too much with activity. Yep. Activity restricted. No workout. That sucks giant ones. I'm gonna try to do something. I can't let this stop me completely. I'm hoping I can go for a good walk. A fast pace sort of jaunt that can count, but not get me too worked up. A bike ride is out. Running is out. SS is out. The main goal is to keep the spreading to a minimum. An elevated heart rate makes the blood pump faster and can cause the poison to travel farther. Any suggestions?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Page 26

Wow! What a class!! Yesterday's SS class was intense! We did a countdown from 100 sort of thing. OK, lemme 'splain. We started off with a 1 minute run then stopped to do 100 jumping jacks, after that it went something like this; 1 minute run, stop, 90 crunches, 1 minute run, stop, 80 squats, 1 minute run, 70 leg lifts, 1 minute run, yada yada yada. It was non stop, hit it hard, no rest sweat factory. Our last stop before the stretch and ab under the tree, let your kids out and take a breath way we end every class, was an upper body monster workout. We hit some areas that not only rarely get hit, but desperately need to get hit. It was killer!! I ran my victory hill instead of walked. That always feels good. My calves keep taking a beating, so I asked for those stretches. Thank you Amanda. Abs were good and made harder by a two year old climbing all over me. Thank you Pax. After getting my breath back, it was taken away again by the most beautiful baby girl. Thank you Cali.

After class was playground time. Always fun. Then the day just sort of progressed - lunch, rehearsal, attempt at running errands, meltdown in a store, back home. It was a day.

I'm looking back on this week and while there were some really great moments, I feel rather disappointed in myself. It was almost like I hit a goal the week before and let that go to my head. I let myself get complacent. I allowed the excuse monster to keep me from a couple of workouts. I ate a few cookies. Not cool. Not cool at all. I let myself down. Need to figure this out and get re-motivated.

Last night was the opening ceremonies for the Olympics. I loved them. I loved a lot of Danny Boyl's metaphors and imagery. Some of it was lost on folk. Ok. One of my favorite things was his forging of the rings and how they came together. As they were floating above the stadium they burned and glowed, but they were not glamorous or shiny. They were raw. They looked like hard work. They looked like a lot of sweat and intensity went into them. They looked hand made, not manufactured. They looked almost tired, yet proud. To me they represented the athletes better than any rings in ceremonies past. Olympians are hand made. They are forged. A lot of sweat and intensity and years of  hard work make them. They are raw and as they cross their finish lines they all look tired, yet proud. For most of them, the journey is their gold. They won't have it hung around their neck, but they will have it strapped around their heart and minds for a lifetime. I need to look for my gold in this journey. I need to remember that it is not glamorous and shiny. This transformation is being forged with sweat and intensity. This doesn't end when I cross the finish line of my date or my goal, it will continue. It has to. I can be an athlete... hum... I've never said that about myself. I can be an athlete. Those words are heavy. They carry a lot of weight for me. It's something I always wanted but never thought I could be. I can be an athlete. Maybe this is the shift in the force that I need. Look at this differently. Yes I'm reaching for a finish line, but maybe there is more to this. Maybe my goal isn't a dress size. Maybe my goal is realizing a secret dream. Hummm....

Ok, well, off to run...

Friday, July 27, 2012

Page 25


Yesterday's workout had a different face. Started with a one minute plank in the morning. I actually did a full minute, not just really fast counting to 60 like I wanted to do. Not easy! Shook almost the whole time, but it was good. My day was insane!!! Very tight timeline, so I took exercise any way I could - parked far away from things, so I jogged the parking lot. Carried things instead of using a cart. When I took toys upstairs I ran them three times instead of just walking them once. Calf raises at the counter. That sort of thing.

My big workout came during date night. Shawn and I went to see Tenacious D at Red Rocks. If you don't know Red Rocks, it is a way cool outdoor amphitheatre built into monoliths at a 6,450 ft elevation. There are 193 steps and about 70 rows. It is steep!! We parked in one of the back parking lots, so our trek started with a major incline. After the ramps came the steps, and they are not easy steps. After finding our seats came finding the bathroom - more steps up and then down and then back up again to go back down to my seat. Now mind you, this was all done in three inch wedge heels!!! I did not take my time. I did not stop. I knew it was going to be my big push for the day and so I pushed. It wasn't a sweat fest, but my heart raced and this morning my ass and thighs are sore!!! Big time sore! I'm counting it! And I'm counting it double due to the cute shoe factor. So there!

The show was ridiculous fun!! Shawn and I had a blast. We held hands, we laughed, we pumped our fists in the air. So damned much fun! Great show. Great date. Great night.

Hello food section. I never look forward to typing you. OK, breakfast was a medium bowl of honey nut cheerios in some whole milk. I'm out of 1%. Lunch was a southwest chicken salad. Snack was a lemon zest Luna bar. Dinner was a late night slice of pizza and half a chocolate chip cookie. Coffee, water, Arbonne fizzy water stuff, 2 lite beers and a Mike's Hard Lemonade were consumed.

Should be a better day for the goal today. My Olympic fever is pitched!!! Hooray for Opening Ceremonies!!!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Page 24

Well it looks like I have some added motivation for this here challenge. I got cast in that little film I accidentally auditioned for. How bout them apples? The funny thing? The shoot starts the day after my birthday/goal date! I love synchronicity!!!

Ok, so yesterday - workout was great! Melissa class. Had substantial Anna in the stroller. She is a sweetie! Tons of sweat. Targeted some key areas. All around great! It's interesting to notice the change in myself during the workouts. Like some sort of Olympic advertisement; I'm getting stronger, faster, farther. I'm keeping up with most of the fit girls. It's pretty cool. There are some areas I'm still pretty poky in, but I'm getting there! I'm attaching one of those motivational hoo has. I've never really been into that stuff, but this one spoke to me. So, enjoy...

Later in the day Pax and I met Shawn at his work - The National Renewable Energy Lab. It was a big 35 year celebration. We had a blast! So proud of the work he does. It was cool being with Apple, but this just seems to be bigger than all of us. It's important for the world at large. It's cool that Pax gets to see his daddy working there and gets to grow up thinking science is cool and protecting the planet is a good thing.

On a personal note, today was the first time I felt comfortable being introduced to Shawn's colleagues. I wasn't hiding or making excuses for my appearance. I simply was there with my family. It was a wonderful feeling. I didn't think I was embarrassing my husband. I wasn't looking around seeing who was cuter than me. Who might be flirting with him. I was simply there with my family. Comfortable. Proud. Confident. It was a great feeling. It makes me want to keep up the good work. It makes me want to reach my goal even more. I like this new me I'm becoming. I really do.

Food was not as successful as the rest of the day. Skipped breakfast. Had a cup of coffee and fizzy energy stuff in my water. Lunch was a BLT and salad at Kyle's Kitchen. Dinner was a hamburger and very small amounts of side salad stuff from the NREL picnic. Then... I hate to admit it... I did eat two and a half chocolate chip cookies that Shawn made last night. With a cup of whole milk. Kazoinkers!!! He is an evil tempter, that man o' mine!!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Page 23

Good morning. 'Twas a much better go at it yesterday.

Pax was well on his way to oversleeping, so I broke the cardinal rule and woke him up. I got us dressed, him fed, water bottles filled and out the door. It was rather whirl-windish, but it worked.

At the start of class, a fellow Strider handed out some Arbonne fizzy stuff to put in our water. She said it would give us energy and some other hoo ha. You know, natural organic crunchy hoo ha. Lots of talk about genetic modification and what not. All I know is heard "energy" and said ok. I'm usually skeptical about this kind of stuff, but thought what the hell. I poured it in, shook it up and took a swig. Not bad tasting. Then off we went.

Amanda class. The sweat level was as high as her energy. Some good upper body stuff. Which I do have a slight fear of. I am all for toning the arms, but I am one of those folk that develop muscle rather quickly. In two areas in particular - traps and lats. Now if you're a fella, that's a great place to get some bulk. If you're a chick, not so much. I've noticed in the past that I can easily start to look like Helga from the Russian women's wrestling team in a hurry. It ain't pretty. Gotta remember to keep that in check.

As for the fizzy water stuff, I gotta admit it worked. I wasn't dead at the end of the workout. I felt like I could keep going. Okay! I talked to the Arbonne gal and she sent me home with a whole try it out kit. Pretty cool! I started reading some of the lit. It seems interesting. I even tried another product. It's a little piece of taffy looking stuff that is supposed to curb your appetite. That worked too and was quite yummy. My mind is opening. I need to look a little more into this stuff, but I just may have to purchase and item or two or twelve. We'll see.

The rest of the day was sort of uneventful. Normal nice day with my little guy. I do love a normal nice day with him. Actually, I just love every day with him. Last night he did something I was looking forward to since I knew he was coming. He made up a song and sang it out loud! It was all about a blanket. "My blanket is stripey!! My blanket is soft and fluffy!! My blanket keeps me warm!!" He has good pitch. Proud mommy.

Food was meh. Skipped breakfast. Had coffee. Lunch was left over jambalaya. Snack was that Arbonne shew thing. Dinner was chicken, pasta and mix veg. Water all day with a glass of milk at dinner.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Page 22

Well, I am being consumed by guilt as I let the excuse monster win. Yesterday was a total bust on the workout front. Started off chugging downhill. Pax slept until 9:20, so getting to SS by 9:30 was pretty out. I had great intentions of doing a workout at home. I really did. It just... never happened. I wish I could say why. I wish I either had some grand reason or had simply done something. Instead I went to the pool with P Bear. We were there for way more hours than I anticipated. When we got home, I sat on the couch for a good hour. I did nothing. Well, except watch Miss Advised.


(Please insert image of large, dirty boot kicking my ass here)

Ok, gotta take something away from this. Gotta find a positive. I know, I positively will not do that again. I feel awful. Slept like shit. The back of my brain was gnawed at all night. Don't like this feeling. Don't want this feeling. Not gonna have this feeling anymore.

Today is a new day. Today I will get it done. Today I win.

The one thing I did do was keep food in sort of check. Portions were in control. Choices were ok. I did give myself a small pat on the back when I ordered a lo-cal fruit smoothie instead of a DQ Blizzard.

I'll call this day an 80/20 loss. But I will take this loss and use it as fuel for my fire. I will recognize this feeling and know it by name. I will not let it in the door again, no matter how hard it knocks.

Page 21

The day of rest...

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Page 20

Wow!!! What a day!!!!!

I started off with a nice run, 2.27 miles. The incredible part is, I shaved another minute off my pace!!! I actually got down to 10:24!!!!! I can't believe it!!! Must have been the music... I don't know what it was, to be honest. I'm just elated... and shocked.

I came home and the guys were still asleep, so I had some quiet time to myself. It was glorious. I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. And loved every minute. Once the little fella got up things got busier, but I clung to the memory of the calm before my storm. After coffee and cereal, I spent most of the day preparing for the night - both mentally and physically getting ready. I got in a good hot shower - yay!! Curled my hair and got all gussied up. It was so nice getting dressed!! The little shift I put on didn't "fit" like it usually does. Fabulous!!! I still rocked it. Just rocked it with some room. I went over my song a hundred times, kissed my guys and headed off to the theatre.

The event I was performing in was a fundraiser for The Vintage Theatre. It was an evening of songs from musicals, but they were supposed to be songs you would never be cast to do. Men singing women's songs, older folks (i.e. myself) doing leads and ingenue roles, characters way out of the realm of possibility. It's a cool concept and made for a smashing show!! I didn't know what to expect. There were no rehearsals until that day. I didn't know anyone I was performing with. Nothing. I was just thrilled to be a part of it. I had no idea how thrilling the whole thing would be!!!

The people who took that stage were some of Denver's theatre elite. Major heavy hitters in the Colorado musical theatre world. Veterans. They were remarkable and breathtaking. I couldn't believe I was sharing a spot with them. They were also kind and generous and fun and witty and all around fantastic! I chewed every moment with them. I wanted more and more and more. Simply could not get enough and did not want it to end. It was like I was their biggest fan and not their equal. I was intimidated and honored at the same time.

It's been quite a while since I've done any musical theatre. I mean quite a while. Years actually. The last thing I did was an original show called Bubs. It was a great show, but unconventional and I mostly sang ensemble in it. I've fronted plenty of bands. I've sang at grillions of events. But this was musical theatre - an animal unlike any other. I felt very fish out of waterish. I was more nervous about performing in front of the performers than the audience. Trying to contain myself was not proving effective. So I had to have a Peter Reigert moment. A wha? Ok, let me explain...

A few years ago one of my plays was being produced at The Berkshire Playwright's Lab Opening Gala. It was a big deal. A very big deal. My piece was alongside brand new works by David Mamet, Eric Bogosian, Larry Gelbhart, Joe Cacaci and others. I was the only unknown on the bill. The people on stage in these plays were the likes of Karen Allen, Peter Reigert, Dan Lauria, David Rasche and some of the most incredible talent I have ever had the privilege to know. This was the major poop kitten fest of my life. Nothing but "holy cows" all around. I have never been so intimidated. It just felt like I didn't belong. Like I somehow conned my way into this and was in way over my head.

I spent a week in The Berkshires. A whole week getting to know these people. We rehearsed and dined and chatted and danced. Crazy!! At first, I was terrified. Had no idea what to say or how to act or anything. One night, we were all sitting in a hotel watching a basketball game. Peter Reigert was sitting right next to me. About halfway through the game he leaned over and started talking to me and changed my whole experience. He called me out. He saw what I was feeling and put a stop to it. He reminded me why I was there. He said I wasn't there as a charity case, no one was taking  pity on me. I was there because my work was good. I earned it. And then he told me to own it. I was an equal. Every moment after that was different. I walked through the rest of my time there on the same ground as every one else. I didn't float above or drudge below. I walked right alongside.

Last night I needed Peter in my ear, in my head. I got him there long enough to perform. Seemed like I did a good job. Unfortunately he left as soon as the show was over and I became an idiot fan all over again....

Feeling like I deserve something is hard. Feeling like I belong is a challenge. I always over compensate and go for the crazy, for the inappropriate, for the laugh. Yes, it's a part of me, but it isn't who I really am. Why can't I let her out in these situations? Why does the loud, overbearing insanity take over? OK...well... there's something else to work on, I guess. Who knew this little blog about a fitness challenge was gonna turn into my therapy session?

Food, my other issue - breakfast, 1/4 bowl of cereal with 1% milk. Lunch, left over chicken fajita meat and rice. Dinner, one almond brownie, one snickerdoolde cookie, one glass of red wine, one slice of pizza. Yeah... that happened....

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Page 19

With the craziness of yesterday, I took the day off. I made it a day of reflection and love. It was not an excuse. It was a choice. Restraint was present in my food choices, but I did not go out into the world. I stayed home and played with my son.

That said, I will go back to Thursday. Thursday was a good day. A very good day. Pax and I got our Stroller Stride on. It was a fabulous class with Melissa. Solid workout. Tons of sweat.

Towards the end of class I had a little personal moment that put a bit of a lump in my throat. We were challenged to sprint up a hill. I was pushing the double with Pax and Substantial Anna. About halfway up I started thinking about that hill. That hill in particular. When I first started going to Stroller Strides that hill was the bane of my existence. I couldn't run up that hill. I would start running but always pooped out and had to walk the rest of the way. I thought about the first time I ran the whole hill. It was such a victory for me. I remember celebrating with Sarah and how big and proud the smile was on her face. It was at that moment I knew I could be a better me. I knew that my age was not the obstacle in my way, giving up was. I can do anything I work hard enough for. So as I sprinted up that hill with two kids in my wagon, I saw Sarah's smile in my mind. I felt proud and celebrated with myself for a brief moment. It was a victory. Not only can I do this, I am doing this!

After class we played for quite a while. Mostly on the playground, but Pax and I had a special fun time under some pine trees in the field. We pretended we were looking for raccoons. Then we were raccoons, and frogs, and bunny rabbits, and birdies. We crawled and chased and giggled. We had fun. Another one of those moments I'd trade a million dollars to go back to one day.

Next on our agenda was a little treat for mommy. Daddy and I had a date night planned, so I wanted to maybe get a little top or skirt or something to make me feel pretty. Off to Kohl's! Going through the racks I I took two sizes in everything I picked out - 8 & 10, M & L. I've been wearing 10 & L, but I thought I would at least see how close I was to 8 & M. Well, I wasn't close... I was right on the money!!! Yes!!! I dropped a size!!!! And let me tell you, I wasn't squeezing into the 8's. The M's weren't snug. They fit. They fit well. Not one suck in to snap!!! They fit!!!! In three weeks I have dropped a size!!! Booyeah bitches!!! On that high note I bought two skorts, one top and a necklace!!! I deserve it!

That evening, I looked cute! New outfit, hair done, makeup on, 3" wedge sandals. Workin it! I went to pick up Shawn and we headed out to Red Rocks for some Tenacious D!! Hell yeah!! (insert the sound of chirping crickets here and the image of an empty parking lot) We were there on the wrong night. Yeah... a whole week early. OK, no problem. We had a good laugh and decided to go see a movie. Wasn't gonna waste all that cuteness on the couch! We stopped at Noodles & Co for a quick bite and then went to the Century 16 in BelMar. We saw Spiderman in 3D. It was incredible. Way better than either of us expected. We loved it. On our way out we saw everyone in line for the midnight show of Dark Knight Rises. If we hadn't had a friend watching Pax at home, we would have stayed to see it. Everyone looked so excited to be there. There was such a cool energy. But we went home and all those people in line had a great time watching a cool movie, none of us aware of what was happening in a parallel universe of sorts just a few miles away. Maybe that is why I was so effected yesterday. I know we all were. I just kept thinking of those happy, excited faces in line. I'm sure they were the same  smiles and expressions on the faces in Aurora....

Friday, July 20, 2012

Page 18

I was going to do my report for Thursday...but it's kind of hard to bring myself to it. Not because of the day I had, but because of the awful events that occurred last night.

Today I simply want to be grateful for my family and friends. So let's all put our arms around those we love and those we don't know. Life is precious and fleeting. Today my workout doesn't matter. Today my food doesn't matter.

May the craziness of this world no longer consume those who are susceptible. May we have fellowship and kindness. May we have understanding and forgiveness. May we treat all people with the love of family. May we never hear breaking news stories like this again.

Page 17

Shawn and I kind of win the bad parents of the year award. After a sort of late dinner Tuesday night, we let the little bear watch a movie - The Adventures of Winnie The Pooh. It's the one from the 70's. The original Disney Pooh. We somehow didn't remember it being THAT long of a movie. Well it was and needless to say our little P Bear didn't get to bed till late late late. Like after 10:00 late! I know, right!! That little butterfly flap of a mistake caused timing chaos for the whole next day. Hello cause and effect. As a result I completely missed Stroller Strides. I did get to catch up on some crappy TV while he slept. Silver lining!

The day was pretty planned out, so I had to figure a way to get some huffin and puffin in. (insert image of a large stone with a couple of scared little birds in the background) Ok, I needed to get some groceries and I needed to get some exercise. Two birds, one stone. I literally ran to the store! Yay!! It wasn't as long a run as I would have liked, but at least I ran. Uphill there, downhill back. But on the journey homeward, the stroller was loaded with kid and kitchen. Bout a mile and a half total. Like I said, not a big run, but a run none the less.

Food, food, food... ok, breakfast was fat free yogurt and granola, lunch was :o/  hummm... can't remember lunch, dinner was a sort of late, but small plate of spaghetti & meatballs. Water and one glass of milk all day.

Had a fun thing happen to me. I was attending a rehearsal for a show at Adam's Mystery Playhouse. As I walked in the door I saw an old pal. Not someone I expected to see there. I hugged his neck and asked him what he was doing. Turns out he is line producing a film that was holding auditions. He then asked me to audition. Ok. What the heck! I got the script and a small breakdown and jumped on in. It was wonderful! Had a great time creating a whole character in a matter of moments. I felt so alive. Not sure what it is, but one of the most thrilling things for me is to inhabit the skin of a character.

When I got home I told Shawn about the audition. Through an "interesting" conversation I tried to convey why it is I love acting. I know for some it is the product, and that is great! Applause, effecting an audience, response, it's all incredible... but that isn't what does it for me. It truly is the process. I just love discovering parts of me that can make up someone else. I love diving into the being of another soul. Maybe it's escape. Maybe it's discovery. I don't know, but there is nothing like it. Characters. I love characters. Maybe that's why my plays are so dialogue heavy and character driven. I just love characters.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Page 16

When Pax gets frustrated because something isn't going the way he thinks it should or isn't working or is stuck, I always tell him to slow down and try a different way. I find this lesson has helped me as much as it (hopefully) is helping him. If you just take a breath and rethink or re-look at a situation, you can generally figure out a way out. Take yesterday for an example.

The day was going pretty well. I was getting all my hoo ha done (chores) while still being able to play with Pax and make sure he was happy. I even got in a tiny bit of reading time! My Scriprov girls came over at 5:30 to pick a couple of final scripts for the show. It was great, but ran a bit longer than we anticipated. Shawn came home with a list of stuff he wanted to do. So my 6:00 run got pushed out. I was trying to be a champ about it and say, "No, it's ok. I'll just run an extra something sometime..." Yeah, that's not how I was feeling at all. I really wanted to get my run in. Big time. For a couple of reasons 1) I am committed to this goal. 2) I am falling in love with running 3) That is the one time I have completely to myself. No phone. No one talking to me from the other room. It's all mine. I can listen to what I want to listen to. I can think what I want to think. I choose which direction to go. Yes, it is my selfish moment. I look very forward to it. So with that gone for the day I was feeling a bit grumbly.

After I kind of shut a door with a wee bit more force than I think the moment warranted, I stopped. I slowed down and decided to try a different way. (Deep breath in, deep breath out) It worked. I got dinner started. I knew the chicken was going to take about 40 minutes and that gave me time to get my sweat on. I did the tone arm pyramid from last Monday three times in a row and between each set I ran up and down the stairs three times and after the last set I ran five times. It worked. I felt sooooooooooo much better. I got my exercise. I got the guilt monkey off my back. I got a little me time, even if it was just in the breakfast room and on the stairs.

The food battle continues. Breakfast - Honey Nut Cheerios and 1% milk. Lunch - left over four berry salad. Snack - carrot and some chocolate cherry tomatoes from the garden. Dinner - Oven roasted sweet and spicy boneless skinless, butternut squash risotto, mixed of veg; carrots, corn, green beans, asparagus tips. What was bad about today is I didn't eat a proper lunch. I was busy doing stuff and just nibbled here and there on a bowl of fruit and mint in a balsamic brown sugar dressing. Just not the smartest approach to nutrition.

Oh well, time to turn another page.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Page 15

Running late! Scurried about like a neurotic squirrel getting everybody ready, gathering up supplies and getting out the door. We made it. Breathe.

Glad I had the double stroller. A new girl to the group has two kids and a single. Her oldest, Anna rode with Pax. She is an adorable and substantially sized four year old, so I really got an extra bump in my workout! It was good. In addition, I kind of set a little challenge for myself. I wanted to do my reps faster than what was being counted, so I could maybe double them. For the most part, success! Push ups, bicep curls, squats - all double what was being asked. The only thing I didn't double was crunches. Oi mutha humpin vey my core is in need. That, ladies and germs, is my weak spot. I'm pretty good with upper body, solid with lower, but the core, oh the core. It kills me every time and it is the one type of exercise I have a tendency to "pause" on.

The workout was a major sweat fest. I had a lake in my bra there was so much boob sweat. Streams of salty body juice were flowing from my shoulders into my shorts. Lovely, truly lovely. In all the glistening glory, Pax and I played on the playground for a good hour and then headed to lunch. I'm sure I looked and smelled quite appetizing to the fellow patrons of Chic-fil-a. The rest of the day was spent playing and tidying the house. Normal nice day.

Food wasn't bad. Skipped breakfast in all the hurry, but had about a half a cup of coffee. Lunch was a chicken strip salad with low fat honey mustard. Snack was a handful of fresh cut vegetables; carrots, celery, radish, yellow peppers, orange peppers, cherry tomatoes, zucchini. Dinner I pan seared some skinless boneless in a balsamic rosemary marinade, made some basmati brown and wild rice and green beans tossed in a little butter and lemon pepper. Yummy. Pretty healthy.

After dinner the guys wanted some ice cream. Shawn had brought home a gallon of Blue Bell Rocky Road. Argh! I scooped out a big bowl for the boys to share and put one scoop in a tiny bowl for me. When all was said and done and Pax had been bathed and put to bed, I started feeling super guilty about the ice cream. I expressed that to my man to which he replied, "I was kind of proud of you for only having one scoop in that little bowl". Pleasant little smile. That made me feel much better. He sure does know how to be the cherry on the ice cream sundae of life. Love him!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Page 14

Two weeks in!

This day of rest was quite pleasant. Slept in super late - all of us! Sweet! My man made a yummy brunch and then we had a nice relaxing afternoon.

I got to get a little gussied up for our evening soup and soul service at church. Tried out a new eye shadow, curled my hair, threw on a skirt and sported some heels. I felt great! It was almost like the old me. Had my sassy going on!!!

Shawn took our little bear to have some guy time, so I was free handed at church. During our little pre-service music refresher practice (still filling in for the music director. still loving it!) I was chatting with the bloke playing guitar. He told me he was celebrating his 62nd birthday. He so does not look 62!! So I said to him, "Wow! I would have never guessed 62! I thought you were closer to my age!" To which he replied, "Fifties? Forties?" (please insert the sound and image of a fully blown up balloon twisting in the air as it rapidly deflates) All confidence gone. Out the window. Bye bye.

After church we had a little ice cream social. Oh restraint, you are a coy little monkey. I had some ice cream, I did. I did not face plant myself into a tub of it and for that I am elated.

There was a bit of a duel going on. The caramel sauce threw down a gauntlet. I picked it up. We battled. Let's call it a draw. There was a time I would have whored out my mother for some caramel covered ice creamy goodness. There were many occasions I found myself licking drippings off any part of myself and my surroundings with no regard for decorum. Not today. Today I contained myself. Today I had one small spoonful on one scoop. Chin up. Chest high. Hosah.

Then we got home... then there were cookies. I had four. And some milk. (please insert the sound and image of a fully blown up balloon twisting in the air as it rapidly deflates)

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Page 13

This morning started with a run. 2 miles around the lake. Not Sloan's, but Rocky Mountain. It's much smaller, so more like running around a track. It was good run. I started strong and finished strong. So strong, I shaved a full minute of my pace! When I started this 13 days ago, I was running well over a 13 minute mile. The other day I was at 12.32. Today I did 11.31!!! Proud? Yep.

I started focusing on my stride. I think that's what has made the difference. I noticed I was doing a lot of up and down. Short steps. More like a trot. Now I'm trying to do a longer step. More of a wide gait, I guess. That sounds wrong. Bigger strides. I don't know if this is right, but it feels better. Except for one thing. I have done something to my calf muscle. It was so tight on my run and pretty painful by the time I got home. Thank goodness for hot baths. If only they were solo and uninterrupted. Mine was first joined by a myriad of little plastic animals and then one little fleshy animal. It still helped. As did the lovely bath salts from Amanda. I stretched and walked it out afterwards. By the end of the day I was feeling much better.

Also went for a nice bike ride with my guys. Nothing too major. Just a fun little neighborhood jaunt. Gonna count it too. I kept my gears at a challenging level. Kept my pace solid. Had a toddler strapped in an ibert seat. Yeah, it's going on the books.

Mealage was more on the yummy side than diet side. Breakfast was boring same old same old; cereal. Lunch was a ham & cheese sammy with a couple of whole grain baked pita chips. Snack was a banana and blueberries. Dinner was a ribeye off the grill with brussel sprouts and grilled potatoes. Water except the wine. Had a couple of glasses already and gonna go sit and have another with my handsome man. Who knows, maybe I'll get some more exercise in!

It's my 25th high school reunion tonight. I'm not there, so I'll celebrate from afar. Cheers to old times!

Page 12

Well aright then. Back at it, sort of full force. Got up, got the boys dressed, fed and/or coffeed, got myself laced up, water bottles filled, ghetto wagon out of the car, double stroller into the car and off we went to Stroller Strides. It was an Amanda class, so I figured the pace was going to be extreme. I was right. Sweat sweat sweat sweat sweat sweat sweat. No breaks, no reprieves. It would have been great on a normal day. I don't know what the damage was, but my energy level was off. I hung in there, but my reps weren't nearly as fast and furious as they have been. I even took pauses. Don't know if it was the 2 glasses of wine from the night before. Don't know if it was the unusual humidity we've been experiencing. Just don't know. I really want to beat myself up, but that is so counterproductive. It serves no purpose. So I won't. I will celebrate the simple fact that I made it. I made it to and through class. I stayed on course and showed up. That is a victory. I won't say I feel great, but I will say I feel good. Okay. I'll take that.

We had a really full day. Pax and I zoomed from SS to a big play date with the preschool he will be starting in a couple of months. It was fun. Lots and lots of swinging, so my arms got a little more of a workout- heh heh! It was a nice time. Sweet kids, lovely moms, good combo. Afterwards we went with one of the kiddos, Arthur, and his mom and baby sister to get some frozen yogurt. Once hyped up on that it was back home for some serious play!! Chase was the game of the day! Weee!!! All around the backyard approximately 463 million times!!!! As tired as I was, I couldn't say no. He's gonna want me to play with him for about this long (---------) and then it'll be, "Hey mom, I'm going with the guys. See ya later" So I chased. It was one of the brightly sunny days that I would give a million dollars to go back to when I'm at the end of my life. So I chased. A fleeting moment that probably means more to me than he'll remember. But I hope he at least remembers his mom loved him so much, she got on the ground and played, played hard. So I chase. I chase this goal so I can keep playing.

I've really got to get a hold of the food. I keep saying that and maybe one day I'll actually hear myself saying that. Breakfast; cereal and coffee. Lunch was a non fat frozen yogurt with almonds, strawberries and kiwi. Second lunch was a piece of left over chicken. Snack was some carrots and tomatoes from the garden. Dinner was sausage and peppers on a roll, like back in Staten Island. Drank nothing but water. Yeah, I know....

Had a big reward yesterday!!! My husband was home after work and we were all in the front yard having a good time. He came over to me, wrapped his arms around me, gave me a kiss and said, "It's really working. I can really see a difference." That was worth every drop of sweat, right there.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Page Eleven

Damn it. Have one of those days where things just don't go as planned? Not a bad day, just way off schedule and agenda. I knew I had things to do and had the jour pretty well mapped out, but as you know the best laid plans of mice and men...

Needless to say, my run did not happen. I am not counting it as a loss. I'm counting it as a shift. Just do the run on Sunday. No big deal. Can still get my six days in.

Not to say there wasn't plenty of sweat yesterday. It was a full day! We had a friend come and unexpectedly spend the morning with us. Good kid. Six. Lot's of energy. After lunch we had music practice at the church. That ran way longer than anticipated. Then little bear fell asleep in the car. I knew he really needed that, so I ran a couple of car errands until it was time to go to our happy hour playdate - which was awesome! Like I said, not a bad day, just little wrenches that threw the schedule off.

I will say, I hate that I missed my run. It feels pretty yicky. I'm embarrassed. I'm disappointed. Feels like I really let myself down. Trying to turn it around. Trying to be Pollyanna positive, but it does kinda suck. Certainly not something I want to make a habit of. Blech. Think I let the excuse monster win a day. Not cool. Really not cool.

On the food front, I'm a bit more proud. I used great restraint in a very tempting situation. Breakfast was usual; cereal. Lunch was a salad. Dinner was where I faced the delicious demons. Cheese, oh glorious cheese! At the happy hour playdate there was the most lovely spread of yummies. Yes, I did partake, but I held back like a mofo. There were five, I believe, kinds of cheeses. Of those five I had two crackers each of three of them and one cracker each of two. I had one chip with the artichoke dip, one chip with the guacamole, one slice of salami, a handful of grapes, a few carrots, zero pieces of pizza, two glasses of red wine, one bottle of fizzy water and a half a glass of this groovy French sparkly cider. This is a victory.  If you knew how much I love cheese, you would be giving me a standing ovation right about now. The excuse monster did not win this battle!

The happy hour playdate was fabulous. Really great kids, really great grownups. They were all smart and funny and no drama. Didn't feel like anyone was trying to one up. Just a cool group o' folk, sitting around chatting. Now that is my kind of evening.

In some aspects my day went to eleven. In some, not so much... Good thing the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Page Ten

Yay! Back on track!

Well ladies and germs, tis time to bid adieu to the ghetto wagon. The what? The ghetto wagon is my single jogging stroller. She was one tow up piece of ugly, but she was a great pal. I got her free off the porch of a fellow Highland Mommy. When I brought her home she was covered in rust and toddler filth - two of the most destructive surface agents known to man. Poor, poor thing.

My wonderful man chicken rubbed and scrubbed her down till she shined like not even remotely new, but at least not disgusting! Her fabrics were so faded the color didn't have a name. Every part of her stuck. Nothing on her was easy, but she ran! She ran me around every Stroller Strides class, every go around the gym, every mile around Sloan's lake. I'm gonna miss the old broad, but today she let me know it was time to let go.

Before class I aired up her tire good and high and tossed her in the back of Maybelle (my mom mobile). By the time we drove down 22 neighborhood blocks the tire deflated to beyond flat. I went ahead and forged on with class - and class was a cardio doosey! We ran like muthas! It was wonky as all get out and shout, but I looked at it like a little elevation to the ole sweat level. There were some struggles, some battles, but it was the back pedaling up the hill that did us in. Not only was that back tire flat, but the front tire decided to go off track and weeble wobbled all the way up. Any cop would have pulled me over for suspected DUI. We were all over the place. I tried like a booger to get it stationary... but nope.. not happenin. I think it's her way of asking to go to pasture. OK old girl. You've earned your retirement. Farewell my friend.

As I said, class was a doosey. We did a lot of core, lower body and back stuff. Great sweat balls of fire! My ass was kicked in such a good way. Somehow at some point I kinda did something to my calf. It was not happy all day. Need to really stretch more. Not up for injury.

Food sucked. I'll be honest. No breakfast. Just coffee. I shared lunch with Pax - hot dog, no bun, Annie's organic mac n' cheese, broccoli and raspberries. Dinner was where I really took a nose dive. Fried up some skinless boneless tossed in egg and breadcrumbs, boiled potatoes with butter and salt, and peas. Thrown down with a glass of whole milk. I feel like a jackass. Think I'm gonna take a look at Weight Watchers online.

Something kind of interesting that is happening alongside all this...
You know ya put something out to the universe, it's kind of crazy how it starts to come back to you. I've been wanting to get back in the old creative saddle again and someone started letting the herd out. I've been asked to write a play for the TRiMedia Fest, sing in Raise Your Voice at The Vintage Theatre, music direct at my church, get involved with the restoration of the old Elitch Theatre, perform in a show at Adam's Playhouse and our next run of Scriprov is coming up! Holy poop kittens! Here we go!!!!

Page Nine

Tuesday! Trying to remember Tuesday.... someone please remind me not to get behind on this suff again. Thanks.

Ok, I know my workout, so I'll start there. Two mile run. It was still a bit on the muggy side, hot but not as hot. I focused on my form. Really changed up my gait and low and behold I shaved just over 20 seconds off my pace per mile!!! Sweet! Gonna try to keep that up!

Food... :o/
I think it was a bowl of cerel for breakfast. I know lunch was an Asian chopped salad with chicken from Pei Wei. Snacks were some berries and carrots and half a turtle cookie. Dinner was red beans and rice with mix veg and summer sausage. Not enough water (also gave me a side stitch on my run) some chai tea and whole milk.

Ok. I'm done with Tuesday.

Page 8

Playing a little catch up here...

Ok, so Monday was a great day for ducks! Major rain storm. So bad, Stroller Strides was cancelled. In it's stead we let the kiddos play on the rocks at REI and had a little nap time at home fitness challenge. It was a pretty cool challenge, a Lean Arm Pyramid with sets of high knees between each completed pyramid. Intense little sweat wagon! I'll attach the pyramid in case anyone wants to try it.

Food. This is really my challenge. No breakfast except coffee. Lunch was a ham and cheese on wheat. Snacks were a couple of Frito's and a carrot. Dinner was an uber late bowl of leftover sausage and dirty rice. Argh.

I did sort of have a second workout. I had a gig that night playing Annie Oakley for an outdoor corporate event. I was dressed in a full length heavy leather skirt, boots and hat carrying a rifle and dancing around for two hours. There was elevated heart rate and perspiration, so I'm counting that!!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Page Seven

The day of rest... aahhh...

Every time I sit in my church and listen to Rev Tam speak, I'm struck at how the topic always fits what I'm experiencing. I'm sure that most sermons fit most people's lives, but it's a really uncanny thing. It reflects my week in a way that really gives me pause.

This week was all about prisons. Literal and metaphorical. For a while now... no... longer than that... for the majority of my life, my body has been a prison of sorts. At least my vision of it has been a prison. There have been care free times on the surface. Times when I tried to show the world that I didn't give a rat's pucker what you thought of me. Hell, I used to run naked through the woods in Santa Fe. But the truth is, it was a facade. I've never been truly comfortable in my skin. Even at my thinnest, my most fit, I would nit pick and find parts of me that made me want to puke. I downed diet pills like some sort of life support. And now, now that I am not fit, not thin... oi... I hide behind the bars of every little thing - clothes, posture, jokes. It's pretty pathetic.

So as I was sitting there listening to the Rev, feeling all icky about myself, I remembered something beautiful from the other day. It hit me hard. Kind of like a bitch slap out of indulgence and wallowing. A shut the hell up and find the beauty moment.

A friend of ours was in a gasoline fire several years ago. She was burned pretty severely. I've never really talked with her about it. I met her afterwards and always just accepted her as a pretty groovy chick. I'll admit, the first time meeting her was kind of shocking. My reaction probably showed on my face or in my demeanor no matter how hard I tried not to let it. She must get that every time she meets someone new. Imagine that. Imagine how it must be to have a reaction, be it small, big, covered or out there, every time you meet someone new. Not just at parties, in the grocery store, at a restaurant, walking in the park. It's a daily thing.

Now think about the pain. The initial pain had to be completely unimaginable, but add to that the countless treatments. The months, years of healing. Just the dressing and undressing of bandages has to be excruciating. It's hard to wrap my brain around. I can not fathom the pain level - physically and emotionally. Truly, truly can not fathom it.

So here she is, this groovy chick. You would think with all that she could be consumed by the prison of her own skin. Confined by hiding, or fear, or depression. I don't see any of that in her. I'm quite sure there have been and probably still are moments, but you wouldn't know it. She is smart, funny, conscientious, caring, loving, sweet, strong and beautiful.

Ok, but how did all this become a moment of pause this week in particular? She did something extraordinary. She got a tattoo. A big, beautiful, colorful phoenix rising from the flames. She took the one thing that could be a prison and gave it wings. Her skin is beautiful. She found the beauty. She rejoiced in it. Now that is how to live. That is strength, courage and grace. I am humbled and inspired by her.

Lesson learned. As I'm striving to change my body, I must change my mind. I need to find the beauty. I need to find my wings. Please know that I am in no way trying to compare weight loss with being burned. There is no comparison. I am merely saying that my friend is one hell of an inspiration. Thank you Sharon.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Page Six

The hardest part of my workout is putting on my shoes. Saturday morning I spent half my time trying not to talk myself out of my run. There was a lot of, "Hey, it's your first week. Cut yourself some slack" "Your legs are tired, give it a rest" "Come on, the guys are sleeping in. You should too" but I kept fighting back. I knew I had to do it. I knew that if I didn't I would be so mad at myself and then the whole thing would go out the door. I knew I had to face you. I knew you would be looking for this, for page six, so I had to do it. So then I did it. I put on those shoes, grabbed my iphone and headed out the door. My legs were tired, so I cut myself a little bit of slack and only did two miles. But, I did two miles. And that feels good. 

Food. Oh food. Shawn surprised me with cooking breakfast. Homemade corned beef hash with eggs. I ate it. It was delicious. I did watch my portion control. One egg, small plate. Left myself wanting more. A lot more, but I was good. Lunch was a gopicnic; humus on whole seed crackers, fruit and nut trail mix, dry roasted edemame. Snacked on carrots from the garden and a couple of oranges. Dinner was a small bowl of my award winning Wild Earp Black Bean Chili and a small piece of cornbread. It was a grey rainy day and my guys requested it. How could I say no? I figure when I'm faced with the foods I love to eat, but probably shouldn't, but it's what is on hand, the one thing I can control is how much of the yummy stuff I consume. I think having my two guys around, portion control is gonna be my go to. My husband is a meat and potatoes Kansas boy and my little one is way low in percentiles and needs to eat as many calories as possible. Hard to stay on a chicken and lettuce regimen. I really don't want to cook separate meals. That's a lot of time and a lot of cash. Neither of which I have an abundance of. So here's to tiny plates and doing my best!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Page 5

Gurl, I am one tuckered pup this mornin...

Ok, so yesterday went great. I got in two workouts. The first was a killer Stroller Strides class. It was unusually humid here in colorful Colorado, so I started sweating just getting the stroller out of the car. Still using the double, by the way. Still no air in the tire on the single.

Amanda subs on Fridays. Her energy is. up. there! Stratospheric. She makes us go go go. We did multiple, quick stations each focusing on a different area - upper, lower, core, etc. Fast reps with cardio in between. Solid hour of nonstop workout. We were all worn out by the end. I tried to really push myself. Focused on my form, ran instead of walked to the station locations, didn't quit. It felt good. I even pulled a Mia Hamm - ripped off my shirt and ran around in my jog bra. It wasn't pretty, but I had to get that extra layer off. Ooooey!

Got a couple of extra bonuses for my hard work! One was a lovely layer of goose poop all over my bad self. We do this stuff around Sloan's Lake and there are a grillion Canadian Geese strutting about. Somehow I was lucky enough to land in a pile at every station. Yay me! Second I was picked as one who busted their ass in class and got a lovely bag of smell good type bath salts. Aaaand on top of all that I scored the sweetest, most kick ass pair of Oakley sunglasses!!! Winning!!!

My second workout was some intense carpet action. No, not that kind, you freak! First off, let me just say that trying to clean with a toddler in the house is like trying to brush your teeth while eating oreos. But it had to be done. After I vacuumed, which is a workout all it's own, I got one of those big machines you rent from Home Depot and cleaned my rugs. The monster is big and heavy and trying to maneuver it is a bitch. Well this bitch maneuvered it all the way up the stairs. Sweaty broad part deaux! cardio, upper body, lower body, core - all engaged moving that bugger around, up and down. So yeaah, that counts as workout number two for the day! I'm taking it any way I can! (that's what she said)

Didn't have the greatest day with the ole food hoo ha. Breakfast was a small bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios with 1%. Lunch was random bites of left over broccoli slaw in lite poppy seed dressing while cleaning. Snack was a banana and a couple of carrots out of our garden. Dinner was jambalaya rice with sausage, corn and Tabasco. I watched my portion on dinner. I knew it wasn't exactly a "healthy" meal, so I really kept my plating in check. I read somewhere that spice heat increases your metabolism, which is why I added the Tabasco. I was sweating again, so hope that counts for something. Water all day except two glasses of lemonade.

OK, there's my accountability check for yesterday. On to today. Gonna start with a run!
See ya!!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Page Four

Just finished my run. Three miles bitches!!! Hell yeah!! The air was thick with smoke and bad ozone, but I did it!!

And I learned a very valuable lesson - tuck it in!
My favorite jog bra is actually a tank. It keeps the abbly dabblies in place, but the bottom keeps riding up when I run. Just after mile one I had an epiphany, "try sticking it into your running skirt, dummy". Well low and freaking behold it worked like a charm! I can run freely now. No more tugging at myself every few feet. Glory be hallelujah!

I did pretty alright on the ole food front. Breakfast was a teeny tiny bowl of cranberry almond cereal with 1% milk. It was teeny tiny because it was the last of the cereal and I didn't feel like mixing flavors. Lunch was a gopicnic meal. The tuna was na-ha-hasty so I substituted humus for it and smeared it on the small handful of whole seed crackers, thoroughly enjoyed the palmful of almond, raisin and peanut trail mix and the yummy 2 x 2 square of dark chocolate. Snack was a banana and tonight's dinner is baked chicken kiev with lemon thyme couscous and a broccoli slaw in lite poppy seed dressing. Water all day except my morning cup o' joe.

You know it's only been a few days, but I am starting to feel powerful. I guess what I'm feeling is more control. Control over myself, my food, my abilities, my life. Ive even started asking for what I want. Sooooooooo not me! But yeah, I'm kind of feeling like I deserve better. I'll always put my family first, but now I'm starting to feel like I should have some equal billing. It's almost like I can say, "hey I want to do this, so I'm gonna do it." It's empowering. It feels strangely good. I think I like it.

Page Three

Oh beautiful for spacious skies...

Yep, 4th of July!! (firework firework) It was a great day with my guys. Got up early and walked in a little neighborhood parade/picnic. It was super fun and super adorable. Aaaand... I sort of counted it as my exercise for the day - especially the walk back to the car, uphill almost the entire way. There was some good wagon pulling to add to the walk. The wagon did contain a cooler filled with picnic supplies and a toddler. There was also a large field where a lot of chasing occurred. Plus it was a grillion degrees outside, so my sweat was a continual on.

Afterwards there was a lot of sitting about and a small trip to Target. It was not the most productive day, but I won't count it as a wash. The parade route was significant and we intentionally parked a nice distance from the start of it. Dadgummit! I'm counting it! So there! Nyah!

Food... There again, not the best, but not a total loss either. I didn't go bat shit crazy. Breakfast was some cranberry almond cereal with 1% milk. Lunch was a ham & cheese sandwich with lite mayo on whole grain bread, watermelon and a couple of chips. Snack was a handful of chips. Dinner was a grilled 2% cheese 93/7 burger with some baked beans and a few more chips. (I know... the chips were a lousy choice) I drank mostly water, a little bit of juice and only two lite beers - on a bloody hot 4th of July, only 2 lite beers is a victory! The other victory was not sticking my face into a vat of ice cream. That may have been the biggest challenge of the day! No ice cream. None. Nada. Zero. Zip. I knew there was going to be a hamburger on the grill so I left the creamy cold delicious heathen alone - even as I stared down the face of the Little Man Ice Cream shop. I feel good about that, for ice cream is my vice. She is a terrible temptress and avoiding her siren song is a challenge like no other in my world.

So yeah... that happened. On to day four!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Page Two

Well that bitchy excuse monster keeps rearing her ugly mug just daring me not to succeed. To her I say a big giant bbbbbllllllltttttttthhhhhhzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!

I like to do my runs in the evening - around 6:00, so this gives a full day of either talking myself into or out of a run. Today the conversation was really positive... right up until time to take off. Oi vey!

First came the telephone chat trying to determine if I would be running solo or not. Or not was how it wound  up. Ok. Time to get dressed for sweat. I went to put on my good jog bra and... Argh!! it's still in the dryer and not even remotely dry right beside good jog bra number two. Mind you I only have two. So scrambling about for a solution I came across two old and kind of crappy jog bras. I put both of the buggers on and voila! We have lift off! Well... actually... not really lift off... more like lock down. Anyway, put on the shoes realizing I had on two different socks. Screw it. Not taking the time to find the match. Just gonna run lopsided. Went outside to load up the jogging stroller and dagnabbit, the tire is still flat. Wokay, double stroller to the rescue! And we're off to Sloan's lake!

As I pull out of the driveway, I'm faced with some rather dark, ominous looking clouds on the prowl. They have thunderstorm written all over them. Determined to do this, I focus on the road and keep going. Trying to ignore the little plink plank of raindrops on the windshield I forge on. Weather be damned, I am doing this! Pax fell asleep on the way and the transition to the stroller went smoothly. Things were looking up! Loaded my water bottle and keys in the wagon, cued up my killer Nike ap, plugged in my... are you freaking kidding me? I grabbed the wrong stupid ear buds! Cheese and rice! One of the buds is a staticy blown speaker. No worries, I'll just go one eared. Let's do this thing!

Started well. Nice pace. Rain stopped. Good tune to get me going. Not too far in, I could tell it had been a couple of weeks since I got a run in. Mile one was slow, but ok. Mile two my feet felt like bricks. Thank baby jeebus for good ole Re Re (that's Aretha Franklin to we who adore her) She pulled me to the end of mile two. Miss Etta James got me the rest of the way home and Beck's Sexx Laws pushed my victory sprint up the hill. All one eared and all glorious! How did people ever run before itunes?

The munching was ok today. Not great. Not horrible. Greek yogurt and granola for breakfast. Left over stir fry for lunch. A total of 4 whole grain pita chips with spinach artichoke humus for snack and I'm baking some chicken for dinner. Water all day with the exception of one glass of lite white grape juice.  

Wondering about tomorrow... 4th of July... could be trouble...

Page one

Everytime my husband reads a story to Pax he always starts it off by reading the title, opening the book and saying, "Page one". I just love that!! We're going to start this journey off the same way..

Page one...
Well I was hit in the face with every chance at excuse. Pax gave me the most unusual wake up call at 5:30 AM. So excuse number one - sleep deprivation. While I was helping Shawn get his day started, the dreaded laundry monster reared it's ugly head. Excuse number two - I have too much to do. By the time I got S-man off to work, it was fast approaching 9:00 and neither Pax nor I were dressed. Excuse number three - runnng late, won't make it in time. Got us dressed. Got the water bottles filled. Grabbed the sunscreen and my keys. Ran out the door and saw the wheel on my jogging stroller was flat. Excuse number four - can't jog with a flat jogging tire. Went to air up the tire and the air compressor wasn't charged. Dead battery = no inflating of said tire. Excuse number five - this is getting ridiculous! said screw it, grabbed the double jogging stroller, threw it in the car, buckled Pax in his seat and headed off to Stroller Strides.

We made it... aahhh....

Got a great ass kicking. We did more resistance/strength training than cardio today - which was great considering how hot it's been. (Excuse number six - the bloody heat) Lots of adductor/abductor stuff with some great tricep hoo ha. Felt awesome!!!

Afterwards we played on the playground and then went to walk my sweaty mess off at the Museum of Nature and Science with Pax and some pals. Good day!

Food glorious food for the day. Not bad. Breakfast was some greek yogurt and granola with a big ole cup of coffee. Lunch was a salad at Chipootle - chicken, lettuce, corn slasa, dressing, no cheese, no sour cream or guac, with a bottle of water. After museum snack - cantaloupe. Dinner - Stir fry. Onions, squash, zuccini, broccoli and chicken tossed with an orange, soy, ginger, citrus sauce over white rice with a glass of water.

I feel great. Great start! Best part - no excuses! I kicked each and every one! Take that you freaking freak freaks! Yeah!!

Ready, set, go!

I have this little thing, if I say something out loud, then I have to do it. So I am saying this at the top of my lungs. Shouting it so loud I have no choice but to see it through. It's a biggun! A fairly lofty, but I believe attainable goal; 4 by 44!


I want to be back in a size 4 by my 44th birthday - which is October 1st.

A wee bit o' history here... my weight and I haven't always had the best relationship. You could put it in the dysfunctional category. I can't blame Weight entirely. I've been responsible for many of the arguments. But since we moved to Colorado, it's been a downward spiral. Shortly after Shawn and I got married, I started doing some fertility hoo ha. That alone can pack on some heat, but add to that some "I'm just getting by body ready for a baby" excuse fest and you can go from a size 2 to a size 10 pretty easily. So here I am, not at my physical best.

There are a three reasons I want to hit my goal.

1) My husband. He met and married someone - me. And the me he married was confident, sexy, and loved to be seen. The me he comes home to now has changed her name to Poca Hotmess. I use the "busy mom" excuse to wear awful clothes (and by awful, I mean the same ugly t-shirt a few days in a row), no make up and baseball hats. I have zero confidence, I'm certainly not sexy and I try desperately to only be seen from the neck up or the knee down. The me I use to be was an adventurous hoot in the sack. The me I am now doesn't want to be naked in front of him. It ain't fair. A friend of mine once said he proposed to Marie Osmond, but wound up married to Roseanne Barr. I don't want my guy to feel like that - ever!

2) My son. Being an older mom, time and energy become increasingly harder to come by. I want to make sure I have plenty for him. I want my time on this planet to be energized so I can be engaged and active in his life. I don't want to sit and wave as he passes by. I want to be on the crazy ride with him. I want to participate in his growing up, not be a spectator. And pictures... this one kind of breaks my heart. I want him to have tons of pictures from his childhood. I want him to have a million happy images of our family so he can keep memories alive. I'm off to a good start as far as taking those pictures goes, but the problem is, I'm not in them. Right now I hate having my picture taken - hate it! I hide behind people in group photos. I say, "You two go over there, I'll take it" when we're out having adventures. Not cool. Not cool at all. I want my little guy to see me laughing and having fun with him, so he can remember how much I love him and how much fun we've had together.

3) Me. I miss me. I miss feeling good about myself. I miss shopping. I miss getting dressed up and looking hot. I miss feeling like there was nothing I couldn't do. I miss going out with friends and feeling equal. I miss sweaty, rockin sex. I miss going on auditions. I miss performing without fear. I miss being proud of my work. I miss being in front of a camera. I miss being arm candy. I miss wanting to meet new people. I miss being the first to jump up and say "Sure! let's do this!" to anything that came my way. It sucks hiding from the world, my family and myself.

So, that's why I'm doing this. This here platform is gonna keep me accountable. I'm gonna use it to keep me on track and on target. Hope you don't mind. Hope some of you take the journey with me. My plan o' action is basically to do it the old fashioned way - diet and exercise. Six days a week of working out and a 75/25 approach to eating.

So here's to some ass kicking!!