Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Page 51

The reason I started this here blog was to hold myself accountable. Along with accountability must come honesty. So, I have to be honest... even when it's ugly, even when I don't want to.

Yesterday was a great workout. Both Stroller Strides classes this week have been great. Both have really focused on core - my weak spot. It's unusually hot, so the sweat was abundant. At the end of workout we had a little challenge, and being my ridiculous self, of course I had to over do it. Sheesh... Amanda asked us to do as many push ups as we could. She then said someone had done 50 the other day. Well you know that triggered my nut job of a brain and I had to beat it. I wound up doing 60. I'm kinda proud of that. I had spaghetti arms at the end, but I squeezed out 60 of those mutha humpas!

Played on the playground, came home had lunch. Not sure why I did what I did, but I kind of chowed out on lunch. I had way more than I should of a not very good meal. It was nothing but beef and rice and I had two enormous bowls of it. After unhinging my jaw and tossing back the calories, I felt miserable. Not just physically but emotionally. I was kicking my own ass all over the place. What in the hell was I thinking? Why would I do that? In my funk of shame I pulled an old trick out of my hat. I went to the bathroom and rid myself of the offending meal. That's something I haven't done in years. Back in my cigarette and diet pill days I was a regular binge and purger. Not an every day thing, but I had no problem intaking and outputing whenever I felt the urge.

I'm embarrassed that I did this yesterday. This was not the road I wanted to go down. I want to do this the right way. The old fashioned way. The hard way. Simple diet and exercise. No fads, no quick fixes, no old tricks. And yet, there I was staring at the splatters on the shower curtain and rinsing my mouth in the sink. It's humiliating. I'm telling you this because I don't want to hide it. I don't want to sneak around doing stupid shit. I don't want to cheat myself. I'm being accountable and being honest. Even though it's ugly. Even though I don't want to. I can't allow myself to even look at that path, much less travel it. So, I'm keeping myself in check. Finger on my pulse, not down my throat.

Come on tomorrow, be a better day, let me be a better me.

No comments:

Post a Comment