Thursday, August 9, 2012

Page 37/38

Due to the insanity that is my life this week, we will be combining a couple of pages. Think of it like a lift the flap book!

So I got this job. It is kicking my ass! Not necessarily in a bad way. It's a big reminder of several things. One, I love what I did. Two, I love what I do.

On the one front, it is thrilling to be called upon for "my area of expertise". Although this whole time I keep feeling like my cover is gonna be blown. I feel like any minute someone is gonna say, "Hey wait a minute... You're not brilliant at this!" and then I'll run off and someone else yells, "Get her!" and then some big chase ensues and there's a big car scene and guns and explosions and all that hoo ha. It's that whole not trusting myself to fit in or be good enough. There's gotta be a daddy issue in there. I know it. Buy, none the less, it does feel good to have these peeps that I respect beyond words call me and ask me to join their team for a week. My nerves are pretty intense. I just keep hoping I don't screw the whole thing up and then walk around the outskirts of the community with some big black ball attached to me.

I should probably tell you what the job is, huh... I'm casting a commercial. Crazy, right?

Ok, so I get this email last week asking me for some leads on some comics & improvisers. Great! I loves me my comics and improvisers! Sure, here are some names, yada yada yada... Next thing I hear is, "Hell, why don't we just let you cast this".... boi-oi-oi-oing!!!!What?.... "Oh, and here's who you'll be working with _____" ..... Holy Schyte! Ok. It's not like I could say no. Of course I'm gonna say yes, especially when they say, "and here's what we'll pay you".... bbrrrriiiippppp (that is the sound of a kitten being pooped)

So yeah, that happened. And all week I've been busting my hump not to let any one down - including myself. So far, I think so good. Today is the biggie. Today it all comes together (crossing fingers and wishing for the best). It's been wonderful to make calls and send emails and be all important. It feels good to have my ass kissed by some folk wanting to make a good impression. I know we're not supposed to say that, but c'mon, let's be honest. It feels good to get your ass kissed every now and then. My cheeks have been getting puckered on for the last couple of days and it is a sweet sweet sensation. It's been hard work. I have had a ton of stress, but it is exhilarating! Thrilling! Hustle bustle buzz buzz buzz!!!

Oooooon the other hand... the mommy in me feels like a jack wagon. I've been able to do most of the work from home, which is fabu, but little bear sooooooo doesn't understand why mommy isn't playing. He keeps grabbing my hand and saying, "come on mommy, come on". I die every single time. I've tried taking little breaks to read a book or do a puzzle, but the phone rings or someone needs something and I have to respond. He has not been first this week and it is breaking my heart. He's being a champ about the whole thing. He really is a remarkable kid. I don't know what I did to deserve him. And doing this job makes me question how much I deserve him. It makes me realize even more how important he is. How he is the end all be all of my existence right now. I need to earn him. I need to work for this blessing, to prove I am worthy of this little angel. I need to do more, be more to and for him. I can not and will not take this job lightly ever again. This week is a wonderful wake up call. Take the time to be the mommy. Take the moments and be present in his life. This time is fleeting. Jobs will come, but he is here once. Don't waste this!

I'm glad I'm having this experience. I am so grateful for all that I am learning from it. On both sides. One thing I have to say is, I am one lucky human. There are way more moms out there that don;t get this chance. They have to work. Sometimes even two jobs. My mom did. I think about that a lot. My mom didn't get to do all this. She didn't get to enjoy the tiny little moments. She was feeding us. She worked so hard she had to miss out on us kids growing up. She was there for everything she could be, but it's the little things she missed. Those little things are the things I treasure most... and she didn't even get the chance to have them. Next week when we go visit her, I'm gonna make sure she has some of those moments with Pax. I want to give her that gift. Tiny little bits of sunshine in his eyes. Little giggles. His fingers around her thumb. His breath on her cheek. She has earned that.. She deserves that.

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