Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Page 29

So my hand was in pretty bad shape. Very swollen, but not as bad as it has been in the past when I got stung. It burns, itches, hurts. There again, not as bad as in the past. I am determined to not let this keep me down. I will not give up because of a stupid sting.

I kept my paw in one of two states all day long - either in a bowl of ice or cast in a baking soda paste. It seems to be working. I also popped Benadryl like a junkie.

Pax is doing great. His swelling is almost all gone, as is the reddish purple-ish color around his eyes. He is playing like normal and having a grand old time.

Sleep is helping. Eating ok, despite the tray of brownies taunting me from the kitchen. Keeping it all in check. Tried doing some stairs, but nearly feel over dizzy and had to stop. Right now, standing upright and keeping up with little bear is a feat.

I will be back in the saddle before the end of this week! I will!

Page 28

Day of rest...

This week has had a recurring theme - fitting in.

There are so many times when fitting in is everything, and yet it seems so impossible. There are also times when it comes easier than expected.

I'm discovering some insecurities that I didn't want to admit. I have a hard time fitting in. I have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be in the company of others. For example, I had a rehearsal with a fella I'm doing a scene with for Scriprov. Now, I'm not just some schmuck off the street. I am a trained actor and singer. I've been doing this for years and years. But for some reason I show up to rehearsal with someone new and I start acting like I don't belong. I give them the opportunity to think of me as someone they either need to lead by the hand, or say "you'll be fine, sweetie. Don't worry" like I have no idea what I'm doing. I get all flustered with myself and start apologizing for everything. It's as if I were some 12 year old in their first community theatre play. Why do I do this? Why can't I simply own my experience and choices? Why can't I be confident in my abilities? Of course there is always room to grow and I try to learn from every experience, but I have had enough experiences that I shouldn't behave that way. It serves no one. My partners must think, "what the hell have I gotten myself into?"Well that isn't fair. I want them to have confidence and trust that I will be there just as much for them as they are for me. Why am I so damned needy?

Even at home I feel like this sometimes. I have a very hard time saying what I want and asking for what I need. Instead I either pout or give in and acquiesce to everyone else. The unfairness in that is the build up. It festers until one day I sort of spew it all up. I create victimness for myself. Ugh. How awful is that?

Here's the rub, I am not a dumb person. I have walked miles in my shoes and had as many glories as tragedies. I have a resume. I have been trained and have lived enough to bring that training to life. I have performed with greats on great stages. I have also been quelled. I have been beaten up and tossed out - literally and metaphorically. My life has run some gamuts. I need to own all of that. Every bit of that needs to ride on my surface as well as deep below. Gotta figure out this crazy insecurity and do something about it.

I need to fit in, not necessarily with other people as much as within my own skin. I think I may be using this fitting into a size thing as a tool to actually fitting into myself. Ok. Good. It's funny how my head is connecting with my body. As I'm shedding pounds, I'm shedding facades. I'm looking at my naked self in new ways and hopefully that is the path to new living.



Monday, July 30, 2012

Page 27

So I learned today I am not a big fan of wrenches. Not the tool kind, the "in the system" kind. Day started with a run. It was going well, my pace was good, I had some energy, things were going swimmingly. Then I decided to change it up and headed out of the park and into the neighborhood. That's when the spiral started spinning - heading more and more into the out of control zone. I miscalculated my route and got stuck trying to cross a street by a large, and I mean very large and very loud group of motorcycle enthusiasts riding down Lowell. I wound up really screwing up my pace and came in .08 miles off my distance. Not a real big deal, but was kind of an omen for the rest of the day.

When I got home, things were fine. The boys were up and enjoying themselves. I made coffee. Shawn made breakfast. Ok. A little later on I decided to take Pax and Huxley (our doggie) on a nature walk around the block. Spiral in full gear. About midway through, Pax and I got stung by a bee. Pax twice, one behind the knee and one right between his eyes. I got stung in the hand. I am allergic to wasps and therefor it has been assumed I am allergic to bees as well. We had no idea whether or not Pax inherited that trait. I screamed, grabbed him and started running home. I was crying, Pax was crying, poor Huxley was confused. It was a scene. Got home and yelled for Shawn. We decided to get to an urgent center immediately - just in case. We called our pediatrician and sat in the parking lot of the urgent center watching for signs of anaphylactic shock. After about 40 minutes, we knew we were out of the major danger zone, but not completely out of the woods. We left and went to a drug store to get some baby Benadryl. The window of bee allergy is 20 minutes for serious allergy, 2 hours for minor allergy. It looks like our baby isn't allergic - thank goodness. He's doing fine. His face is swollen, but going down and not in pain. Breathing.

Me? Well, one of the reactions I get with this stuff is called an exaggerated response. It usually takes about 24 hours for the response to kick in. And it is kicking in. My hand keeps swelling and the swelling spreads. It also itches and burns rather extensively, and that spreads too. The last time I got stung, I developed a staff infection and was hooked to an IV for two days. Let's hope and pray that doesn't happen this time. I'm trying to stay calm and not aggravate it too much with activity. Yep. Activity restricted. No workout. That sucks giant ones. I'm gonna try to do something. I can't let this stop me completely. I'm hoping I can go for a good walk. A fast pace sort of jaunt that can count, but not get me too worked up. A bike ride is out. Running is out. SS is out. The main goal is to keep the spreading to a minimum. An elevated heart rate makes the blood pump faster and can cause the poison to travel farther. Any suggestions?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Page 26

Wow! What a class!! Yesterday's SS class was intense! We did a countdown from 100 sort of thing. OK, lemme 'splain. We started off with a 1 minute run then stopped to do 100 jumping jacks, after that it went something like this; 1 minute run, stop, 90 crunches, 1 minute run, stop, 80 squats, 1 minute run, 70 leg lifts, 1 minute run, yada yada yada. It was non stop, hit it hard, no rest sweat factory. Our last stop before the stretch and ab under the tree, let your kids out and take a breath way we end every class, was an upper body monster workout. We hit some areas that not only rarely get hit, but desperately need to get hit. It was killer!! I ran my victory hill instead of walked. That always feels good. My calves keep taking a beating, so I asked for those stretches. Thank you Amanda. Abs were good and made harder by a two year old climbing all over me. Thank you Pax. After getting my breath back, it was taken away again by the most beautiful baby girl. Thank you Cali.

After class was playground time. Always fun. Then the day just sort of progressed - lunch, rehearsal, attempt at running errands, meltdown in a store, back home. It was a day.

I'm looking back on this week and while there were some really great moments, I feel rather disappointed in myself. It was almost like I hit a goal the week before and let that go to my head. I let myself get complacent. I allowed the excuse monster to keep me from a couple of workouts. I ate a few cookies. Not cool. Not cool at all. I let myself down. Need to figure this out and get re-motivated.

Last night was the opening ceremonies for the Olympics. I loved them. I loved a lot of Danny Boyl's metaphors and imagery. Some of it was lost on folk. Ok. One of my favorite things was his forging of the rings and how they came together. As they were floating above the stadium they burned and glowed, but they were not glamorous or shiny. They were raw. They looked like hard work. They looked like a lot of sweat and intensity went into them. They looked hand made, not manufactured. They looked almost tired, yet proud. To me they represented the athletes better than any rings in ceremonies past. Olympians are hand made. They are forged. A lot of sweat and intensity and years of  hard work make them. They are raw and as they cross their finish lines they all look tired, yet proud. For most of them, the journey is their gold. They won't have it hung around their neck, but they will have it strapped around their heart and minds for a lifetime. I need to look for my gold in this journey. I need to remember that it is not glamorous and shiny. This transformation is being forged with sweat and intensity. This doesn't end when I cross the finish line of my date or my goal, it will continue. It has to. I can be an athlete... hum... I've never said that about myself. I can be an athlete. Those words are heavy. They carry a lot of weight for me. It's something I always wanted but never thought I could be. I can be an athlete. Maybe this is the shift in the force that I need. Look at this differently. Yes I'm reaching for a finish line, but maybe there is more to this. Maybe my goal isn't a dress size. Maybe my goal is realizing a secret dream. Hummm....

Ok, well, off to run...

Friday, July 27, 2012

Page 25

Bonjour!

Yesterday's workout had a different face. Started with a one minute plank in the morning. I actually did a full minute, not just really fast counting to 60 like I wanted to do. Not easy! Shook almost the whole time, but it was good. My day was insane!!! Very tight timeline, so I took exercise any way I could - parked far away from things, so I jogged the parking lot. Carried things instead of using a cart. When I took toys upstairs I ran them three times instead of just walking them once. Calf raises at the counter. That sort of thing.

My big workout came during date night. Shawn and I went to see Tenacious D at Red Rocks. If you don't know Red Rocks, it is a way cool outdoor amphitheatre built into monoliths at a 6,450 ft elevation. There are 193 steps and about 70 rows. It is steep!! We parked in one of the back parking lots, so our trek started with a major incline. After the ramps came the steps, and they are not easy steps. After finding our seats came finding the bathroom - more steps up and then down and then back up again to go back down to my seat. Now mind you, this was all done in three inch wedge heels!!! I did not take my time. I did not stop. I knew it was going to be my big push for the day and so I pushed. It wasn't a sweat fest, but my heart raced and this morning my ass and thighs are sore!!! Big time sore! I'm counting it! And I'm counting it double due to the cute shoe factor. So there!

The show was ridiculous fun!! Shawn and I had a blast. We held hands, we laughed, we pumped our fists in the air. So damned much fun! Great show. Great date. Great night.

Hello food section. I never look forward to typing you. OK, breakfast was a medium bowl of honey nut cheerios in some whole milk. I'm out of 1%. Lunch was a southwest chicken salad. Snack was a lemon zest Luna bar. Dinner was a late night slice of pizza and half a chocolate chip cookie. Coffee, water, Arbonne fizzy water stuff, 2 lite beers and a Mike's Hard Lemonade were consumed.

Should be a better day for the goal today. My Olympic fever is pitched!!! Hooray for Opening Ceremonies!!!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Page 24

Well it looks like I have some added motivation for this here challenge. I got cast in that little film I accidentally auditioned for. How bout them apples? The funny thing? The shoot starts the day after my birthday/goal date! I love synchronicity!!!

Ok, so yesterday - workout was great! Melissa class. Had substantial Anna in the stroller. She is a sweetie! Tons of sweat. Targeted some key areas. All around great! It's interesting to notice the change in myself during the workouts. Like some sort of Olympic advertisement; I'm getting stronger, faster, farther. I'm keeping up with most of the fit girls. It's pretty cool. There are some areas I'm still pretty poky in, but I'm getting there! I'm attaching one of those motivational hoo has. I've never really been into that stuff, but this one spoke to me. So, enjoy...

Later in the day Pax and I met Shawn at his work - The National Renewable Energy Lab. It was a big 35 year celebration. We had a blast! So proud of the work he does. It was cool being with Apple, but this just seems to be bigger than all of us. It's important for the world at large. It's cool that Pax gets to see his daddy working there and gets to grow up thinking science is cool and protecting the planet is a good thing.

On a personal note, today was the first time I felt comfortable being introduced to Shawn's colleagues. I wasn't hiding or making excuses for my appearance. I simply was there with my family. It was a wonderful feeling. I didn't think I was embarrassing my husband. I wasn't looking around seeing who was cuter than me. Who might be flirting with him. I was simply there with my family. Comfortable. Proud. Confident. It was a great feeling. It makes me want to keep up the good work. It makes me want to reach my goal even more. I like this new me I'm becoming. I really do.

Food was not as successful as the rest of the day. Skipped breakfast. Had a cup of coffee and fizzy energy stuff in my water. Lunch was a BLT and salad at Kyle's Kitchen. Dinner was a hamburger and very small amounts of side salad stuff from the NREL picnic. Then... I hate to admit it... I did eat two and a half chocolate chip cookies that Shawn made last night. With a cup of whole milk. Kazoinkers!!! He is an evil tempter, that man o' mine!!!




Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Page 23

Good morning. 'Twas a much better go at it yesterday.

Pax was well on his way to oversleeping, so I broke the cardinal rule and woke him up. I got us dressed, him fed, water bottles filled and out the door. It was rather whirl-windish, but it worked.

At the start of class, a fellow Strider handed out some Arbonne fizzy stuff to put in our water. She said it would give us energy and some other hoo ha. You know, natural organic crunchy hoo ha. Lots of talk about genetic modification and what not. All I know is heard "energy" and said ok. I'm usually skeptical about this kind of stuff, but thought what the hell. I poured it in, shook it up and took a swig. Not bad tasting. Then off we went.

Amanda class. The sweat level was as high as her energy. Some good upper body stuff. Which I do have a slight fear of. I am all for toning the arms, but I am one of those folk that develop muscle rather quickly. In two areas in particular - traps and lats. Now if you're a fella, that's a great place to get some bulk. If you're a chick, not so much. I've noticed in the past that I can easily start to look like Helga from the Russian women's wrestling team in a hurry. It ain't pretty. Gotta remember to keep that in check.

As for the fizzy water stuff, I gotta admit it worked. I wasn't dead at the end of the workout. I felt like I could keep going. Okay! I talked to the Arbonne gal and she sent me home with a whole try it out kit. Pretty cool! I started reading some of the lit. It seems interesting. I even tried another product. It's a little piece of taffy looking stuff that is supposed to curb your appetite. That worked too and was quite yummy. My mind is opening. I need to look a little more into this stuff, but I just may have to purchase and item or two or twelve. We'll see.

The rest of the day was sort of uneventful. Normal nice day with my little guy. I do love a normal nice day with him. Actually, I just love every day with him. Last night he did something I was looking forward to since I knew he was coming. He made up a song and sang it out loud! It was all about a blanket. "My blanket is stripey!! My blanket is soft and fluffy!! My blanket keeps me warm!!" He has good pitch. Proud mommy.

Food was meh. Skipped breakfast. Had coffee. Lunch was left over jambalaya. Snack was that Arbonne shew thing. Dinner was chicken, pasta and mix veg. Water all day with a glass of milk at dinner.