So the day has come. I knew it would, I just didn't know it would be today. Today I am facing my first challenge as an older mom. Today I have to surrender and accept and ultimately be grateful. Today we realize the dream of giving our little bear a sibling, someone to walk life's path with, simply isn't going to happen. It is the risk you take when having kids later in life. It is a bitter sweet moment. Bitter because I feel as though I have denied my son one of the greatest pleasures I have had in my life - brothers and sisters.
Though it may sound morbid, it is merely a reality - there is a large chunk of my little guy's life that I won't be around for. I will die someday and unfortunately that some day will probably come at about the middle of his life. So I wanted to give him someone to be with, someone to go through that with, someone to share memories with. I haven't lost a parent, but I know when that time comes I will be grateful for my brothers and sister. I know I will lean on them and cry with them and then most likely laugh with them about some of the crazy things our mom did or smile about some of the adventures we shared with our dad. Pax won't have that and it does break my heart.
The sweet part? Well now I get to treasure him more. Now I get to hold onto moments knowing this will be the only time. Now I get to focus and give all my love and attention to him. Hopefully he can walk his life knowing deep in his heart just how incredibly much I love and absolutely adore him. He is my treasure. I can now release my energies and be grateful for my gift. A gift we were told would not happen. I can unwrap this little gift daily and watch him grow and know deep in my heart I am the luckiest mommy in the world. I surrender. I accept. I am so grateful!