The reason I started this here blog was to hold myself accountable. Along with accountability must come honesty. So, I have to be honest... even when it's ugly, even when I don't want to.
Yesterday was a great workout. Both Stroller Strides classes this week have been great. Both have really focused on core - my weak spot. It's unusually hot, so the sweat was abundant. At the end of workout we had a little challenge, and being my ridiculous self, of course I had to over do it. Sheesh... Amanda asked us to do as many push ups as we could. She then said someone had done 50 the other day. Well you know that triggered my nut job of a brain and I had to beat it. I wound up doing 60. I'm kinda proud of that. I had spaghetti arms at the end, but I squeezed out 60 of those mutha humpas!
Played on the playground, came home had lunch. Not sure why I did what I did, but I kind of chowed out on lunch. I had way more than I should of a not very good meal. It was nothing but beef and rice and I had two enormous bowls of it. After unhinging my jaw and tossing back the calories, I felt miserable. Not just physically but emotionally. I was kicking my own ass all over the place. What in the hell was I thinking? Why would I do that? In my funk of shame I pulled an old trick out of my hat. I went to the bathroom and rid myself of the offending meal. That's something I haven't done in years. Back in my cigarette and diet pill days I was a regular binge and purger. Not an every day thing, but I had no problem intaking and outputing whenever I felt the urge.
I'm embarrassed that I did this yesterday. This was not the road I wanted to go down. I want to do this the right way. The old fashioned way. The hard way. Simple diet and exercise. No fads, no quick fixes, no old tricks. And yet, there I was staring at the splatters on the shower curtain and rinsing my mouth in the sink. It's humiliating. I'm telling you this because I don't want to hide it. I don't want to sneak around doing stupid shit. I don't want to cheat myself. I'm being accountable and being honest. Even though it's ugly. Even though I don't want to. I can't allow myself to even look at that path, much less travel it. So, I'm keeping myself in check. Finger on my pulse, not down my throat.
Come on tomorrow, be a better day, let me be a better me.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Page 50-ish ???
One, two, skip a few, 50!
Did you ever do that as a kid plating hide and go seek or some other game like that? I did, and I'm cashing that trick in again. August was a funky month. A lot of ying and yang. Ups and downs in the same day, much less week or month. Cray-cray!
As most of you know, I got pretty sick. But I also scored a killer job and had a fabulous run of Scriprov. Last week I flew to Texas. It was great seeing my family and some friends, but I also said goodbye to one of my most favorite people on the planet, one of the greatest men I have ever known, my Uncle John. See? Ying yang.
Yesterday was my big back in the saddle moment. I was back in CO, got up, got my shoes on and had a great Stroller Strides workout with my girls. I felt incredible! 4 by 44 was back in full swing! Then I got a phone call. Uncle John went on to greener pastures that morning.
It was a tough day.
I tried staying active to keep my mind from entering dark spots. I hugged Pax. A lot. I cried. I talked to my mom. We cried. I looked for comfort in all the wrong places after that; tiramisu, a chocolate bar, Pirate Booty, 2 Malibu Bay Breezes.
It was a tough day.
Tomorrow we start over.
Till then, here's a picture that I also found some comfort in. He was a great man. He was more than an uncle, he was a second father. As sad as I am, I am happy for him. He is where he always wanted to be, and he is with his daughter Stephanie again. It was a happy day in heaven.
Love and respect you Uncle John... till we meet again...
Did you ever do that as a kid plating hide and go seek or some other game like that? I did, and I'm cashing that trick in again. August was a funky month. A lot of ying and yang. Ups and downs in the same day, much less week or month. Cray-cray!
As most of you know, I got pretty sick. But I also scored a killer job and had a fabulous run of Scriprov. Last week I flew to Texas. It was great seeing my family and some friends, but I also said goodbye to one of my most favorite people on the planet, one of the greatest men I have ever known, my Uncle John. See? Ying yang.
Yesterday was my big back in the saddle moment. I was back in CO, got up, got my shoes on and had a great Stroller Strides workout with my girls. I felt incredible! 4 by 44 was back in full swing! Then I got a phone call. Uncle John went on to greener pastures that morning.
It was a tough day.
I tried staying active to keep my mind from entering dark spots. I hugged Pax. A lot. I cried. I talked to my mom. We cried. I looked for comfort in all the wrong places after that; tiramisu, a chocolate bar, Pirate Booty, 2 Malibu Bay Breezes.
It was a tough day.
Tomorrow we start over.
Till then, here's a picture that I also found some comfort in. He was a great man. He was more than an uncle, he was a second father. As sad as I am, I am happy for him. He is where he always wanted to be, and he is with his daughter Stephanie again. It was a happy day in heaven.
Love and respect you Uncle John... till we meet again...
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Catch up time
Hey gang
So the EM came back and took me out. Another doc visit, more meds and some much needed rest, I am on the mend. Still no exercise. Still keeping food in check. It's been harder this round. The med is making me hungry as opposed to nauseous. Yuck. Doing my best.
Today I fly to Texas. Gonna spend the week with my family and attend my high school Theatre class reunion. Should be great! I'm all set for starting my workouts tomorrow morning. I have all my gear, a two mile run mapped out and I downloaded a new app called Sworkit. It's pretty cool. You tell it what you want to work on (upper, lower, full, cardio) and for how long and then it spits out this whole plan for you. Can't wait to try it! I'll let ya know how it goes.
The only thing is, I will not have my puter with me on this trip. No bloggin it out. I'll try to get in sometime, somehow, but it may be tricky. I am going to try and write it all long hand. You know, with a pen and paper. Right? How very retro of me.
I'm excited to get back on track. I'm excited to have my life in my own hands again. I'm excited to finish what I started and reach my goal! I can do it! 4 by 44 bitches!!!!!
So the EM came back and took me out. Another doc visit, more meds and some much needed rest, I am on the mend. Still no exercise. Still keeping food in check. It's been harder this round. The med is making me hungry as opposed to nauseous. Yuck. Doing my best.
Today I fly to Texas. Gonna spend the week with my family and attend my high school Theatre class reunion. Should be great! I'm all set for starting my workouts tomorrow morning. I have all my gear, a two mile run mapped out and I downloaded a new app called Sworkit. It's pretty cool. You tell it what you want to work on (upper, lower, full, cardio) and for how long and then it spits out this whole plan for you. Can't wait to try it! I'll let ya know how it goes.
The only thing is, I will not have my puter with me on this trip. No bloggin it out. I'll try to get in sometime, somehow, but it may be tricky. I am going to try and write it all long hand. You know, with a pen and paper. Right? How very retro of me.
I'm excited to get back on track. I'm excited to have my life in my own hands again. I'm excited to finish what I started and reach my goal! I can do it! 4 by 44 bitches!!!!!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Page 42
Day of rest and time to hit the reset button.
Face was swollen again. I felt like shit. I forged on. Woke up before the boys, ran to the store and got groceries for the day. Made a nice big breakfast.
Afterwards, we all decided we needed to hit the reset button. It had been a long week. Tough in some ways. Good in others. We all needed to reconnect with each other and our spirits. Head up and out. We packed up Lenny Skywalker (our 4 Runner) and trucked it west. We found ourselves on top of the world at Guenella Pass. We explored. We savored. No rush. No agenda. If we saw something we wanted to stop and see, we did. We discovered little treasures we might have missed. We shared little moments busier days would skip right by; peaches, giggles, chick monks (what Pax calls chipmunks), beautiful skies, enchanting spots, little streams, big rocks, peaceful quiet, friendly strangers, funny phrases.
The whole day I had the same expression on my face - this happy contended little grin. Not a big excited smile, just a perfectly happy little grin. My senses were completely satiated - cool air on my sore skin, breathtaking views filling my field of vision, listening to the wind and bird songs flying from pine tree to pine tree, kissing in the sweetness of my little bear's cheek, the perfumes of nature in abundance. Aaahhhhh... life truly is grand.
It's stuff like this, this spontaneous adventure that make everything, everything worth while. Moving here was the greatest, happiest accident of my life. Colorado is one big, giant reset button.
Face was swollen again. I felt like shit. I forged on. Woke up before the boys, ran to the store and got groceries for the day. Made a nice big breakfast.
Afterwards, we all decided we needed to hit the reset button. It had been a long week. Tough in some ways. Good in others. We all needed to reconnect with each other and our spirits. Head up and out. We packed up Lenny Skywalker (our 4 Runner) and trucked it west. We found ourselves on top of the world at Guenella Pass. We explored. We savored. No rush. No agenda. If we saw something we wanted to stop and see, we did. We discovered little treasures we might have missed. We shared little moments busier days would skip right by; peaches, giggles, chick monks (what Pax calls chipmunks), beautiful skies, enchanting spots, little streams, big rocks, peaceful quiet, friendly strangers, funny phrases.
The whole day I had the same expression on my face - this happy contended little grin. Not a big excited smile, just a perfectly happy little grin. My senses were completely satiated - cool air on my sore skin, breathtaking views filling my field of vision, listening to the wind and bird songs flying from pine tree to pine tree, kissing in the sweetness of my little bear's cheek, the perfumes of nature in abundance. Aaahhhhh... life truly is grand.
It's stuff like this, this spontaneous adventure that make everything, everything worth while. Moving here was the greatest, happiest accident of my life. Colorado is one big, giant reset button.
Page 41
So you know that whole trend of re-purposing stuff? Well I got a good one for you. All you breastfeeding mommies - keep your booby pads! Not the disposable catch your milk leak pads, the ones you keep in the freezer to soothe your aching hooter pads. They make for great face/eye swelling reducers!
You know I woke up Saturday morning looking like a marshmallow, well I spent the whole day trying to remedy that with Preparation H and booby pads. It worked pretty well! It wasn't 100%, but enough to survive my show without looking too much like Joseph Merrick. I'm gonna swear by this anytime I get a little puffy!
The show went well. Great, in fact. It was a packed house and the audience really seemed to have a great time. I was blown away by my girlfriends all coming and cheering me on. Yep, my heart cockles were sufficiently warmed. A major bonus for me was laying Sylvia. I always wanted to take on that role, but it became even sweeter after the passing of my baby girl in May. This one was for you, my little princess on the pillow. Penelope Mae Westie; May 29, 2003 - May 11 2012
Still haven't been able to workout. I was so set to do my run, dammit. It is breaking my heart and cracking my spirit, but I am not giving up. I will meet my goal! I will stay on track! This is but a mere bump in my road. This will not take me down. This will not stop me. I can and will do this. Chin up and carry on! My short term goal is to be full swing by Monday. Let's do this!
You know I woke up Saturday morning looking like a marshmallow, well I spent the whole day trying to remedy that with Preparation H and booby pads. It worked pretty well! It wasn't 100%, but enough to survive my show without looking too much like Joseph Merrick. I'm gonna swear by this anytime I get a little puffy!
The show went well. Great, in fact. It was a packed house and the audience really seemed to have a great time. I was blown away by my girlfriends all coming and cheering me on. Yep, my heart cockles were sufficiently warmed. A major bonus for me was laying Sylvia. I always wanted to take on that role, but it became even sweeter after the passing of my baby girl in May. This one was for you, my little princess on the pillow. Penelope Mae Westie; May 29, 2003 - May 11 2012
Still haven't been able to workout. I was so set to do my run, dammit. It is breaking my heart and cracking my spirit, but I am not giving up. I will meet my goal! I will stay on track! This is but a mere bump in my road. This will not take me down. This will not stop me. I can and will do this. Chin up and carry on! My short term goal is to be full swing by Monday. Let's do this!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Page 40
Freakin argh!
Had a great day yesterday everything went really well. Last night the show was killer. All this good goody good all around.
During the show I started noticing my face was puffing up. Started itching a bit. Ok, don't panic. Just stay calm. Let it go. Everything will be ok.
Went to bed with the full intention of starting my runs back up this morning. I have been looking forward to this all week long!!! I am so frustrated not exercising. It is driving me out of my ever lovin mind!!!
7:30 alarm goes off. My face feels hot and itchy. Don't panic. Get ot of bed and come down stairs. Pee. Look in the mirror. Muther fucker! My face looks like a marshmallow. My right hand is on fire and itching like mad. Under my eyes is the worst. This sucks. This sucks big giant green donkey cocks!
I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do... son of a bitch...
Had a great day yesterday everything went really well. Last night the show was killer. All this good goody good all around.
During the show I started noticing my face was puffing up. Started itching a bit. Ok, don't panic. Just stay calm. Let it go. Everything will be ok.
Went to bed with the full intention of starting my runs back up this morning. I have been looking forward to this all week long!!! I am so frustrated not exercising. It is driving me out of my ever lovin mind!!!
7:30 alarm goes off. My face feels hot and itchy. Don't panic. Get ot of bed and come down stairs. Pee. Look in the mirror. Muther fucker! My face looks like a marshmallow. My right hand is on fire and itching like mad. Under my eyes is the worst. This sucks. This sucks big giant green donkey cocks!
I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do... son of a bitch...
Friday, August 10, 2012
Page 39
Ok, so I understand why fictional monsters often have two heads. Real life monsters do! I was attacked by the two headed working mommy beast all day yesterday!
The job was incredible! We have round two today. It was incomprehensibly exciting to be back in my professional saddle. Talk about fitting in. It is truly the first time I really fit in, in years. Hand meet glove. My opinions mattered. My thoughts counted. What a sensation! Plus, it was fun! I mean real fun! I got to laugh and play grown up games (ok, so they slightly resembled some kid games). People were smart and funny and completely "on". It was incredible! The place was cool, the set up was cool (technically hot, since we were outside), the concept was cool, everything was freaking cool! And I got a workout!!! I was up on my feet running around in 4 inch wedges all day. Bouncing around, expelling a ton of energy. Cardio! I loved it! I was a mess by the end of day, but what a glorious mess. Hair flat and stringy, makeup completely worn off, clothes wrinkled and dirty, sweat beads dripping little balls of wet stank. Heavenly. During the debrief I felt like an equal, like a peer. I had done my job and done it well. I was proud. I felt good. Except... except this little gnawing at the base of my neck.
The whole day, I mean the whole day my mind would wander to my little guy. How was he. What was he doing. Did he miss me. How long till I see him. It's hard being without my little buddy. He is always with me. He goes where I go. Everywhere. Except here. There was such an empty spot. I wanted to hear his laugh all day long. Big ole crack in my heart. Every chance I got I looked at my phone to see if there was anything about him. Text. Picture. Email. Nothin. Glad I had plenty of pics to look at. That smile always brings me back to one.
After the casting I went and grabbed my guy and then headed back downtown for a Scriprov rehearsal. It was so good! I love the gentleman I am doing the scene with. What a pro! What a sweetheart! We worked our tails off. Got a lot done! It was great! There is a funny little something here though. Gotta share. At one point in the script, the character Greg sort of scolds me and gives me a little smack on the backside. I yelp and say ouch and all that. Every time we do that in front of Pax, he looses his mind! He starts yelling, "NO! That's my mommy! Stop it! No!" He gets so upset. He's my little protector. We had to change it a little so we can rehearse in front of him. It's so sweet. He doesn't want anyone to yell at me. Oh how I love him. My cockles are very warm.
After that I went to Target. Pax fell asleep and I carried him around the store while pushing the cart. This counts for an upper body workout. Strength training.
Got home and had a final fitting of my costume for Friday's Scriprov. It looks fabulous! It's a keeper! Then Shawn came home and we had a lovely evening. We decided to celebrate a wee bit and went to Ernie's for a pizza. Yum.
A little tv and then off to bed. It was quite a day. :o)
The job was incredible! We have round two today. It was incomprehensibly exciting to be back in my professional saddle. Talk about fitting in. It is truly the first time I really fit in, in years. Hand meet glove. My opinions mattered. My thoughts counted. What a sensation! Plus, it was fun! I mean real fun! I got to laugh and play grown up games (ok, so they slightly resembled some kid games). People were smart and funny and completely "on". It was incredible! The place was cool, the set up was cool (technically hot, since we were outside), the concept was cool, everything was freaking cool! And I got a workout!!! I was up on my feet running around in 4 inch wedges all day. Bouncing around, expelling a ton of energy. Cardio! I loved it! I was a mess by the end of day, but what a glorious mess. Hair flat and stringy, makeup completely worn off, clothes wrinkled and dirty, sweat beads dripping little balls of wet stank. Heavenly. During the debrief I felt like an equal, like a peer. I had done my job and done it well. I was proud. I felt good. Except... except this little gnawing at the base of my neck.
The whole day, I mean the whole day my mind would wander to my little guy. How was he. What was he doing. Did he miss me. How long till I see him. It's hard being without my little buddy. He is always with me. He goes where I go. Everywhere. Except here. There was such an empty spot. I wanted to hear his laugh all day long. Big ole crack in my heart. Every chance I got I looked at my phone to see if there was anything about him. Text. Picture. Email. Nothin. Glad I had plenty of pics to look at. That smile always brings me back to one.
After the casting I went and grabbed my guy and then headed back downtown for a Scriprov rehearsal. It was so good! I love the gentleman I am doing the scene with. What a pro! What a sweetheart! We worked our tails off. Got a lot done! It was great! There is a funny little something here though. Gotta share. At one point in the script, the character Greg sort of scolds me and gives me a little smack on the backside. I yelp and say ouch and all that. Every time we do that in front of Pax, he looses his mind! He starts yelling, "NO! That's my mommy! Stop it! No!" He gets so upset. He's my little protector. We had to change it a little so we can rehearse in front of him. It's so sweet. He doesn't want anyone to yell at me. Oh how I love him. My cockles are very warm.
After that I went to Target. Pax fell asleep and I carried him around the store while pushing the cart. This counts for an upper body workout. Strength training.
Got home and had a final fitting of my costume for Friday's Scriprov. It looks fabulous! It's a keeper! Then Shawn came home and we had a lovely evening. We decided to celebrate a wee bit and went to Ernie's for a pizza. Yum.
A little tv and then off to bed. It was quite a day. :o)
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