The reason I started this here blog was to hold myself accountable. Along with accountability must come honesty. So, I have to be honest... even when it's ugly, even when I don't want to.
Yesterday was a great workout. Both Stroller Strides classes this week have been great. Both have really focused on core - my weak spot. It's unusually hot, so the sweat was abundant. At the end of workout we had a little challenge, and being my ridiculous self, of course I had to over do it. Sheesh... Amanda asked us to do as many push ups as we could. She then said someone had done 50 the other day. Well you know that triggered my nut job of a brain and I had to beat it. I wound up doing 60. I'm kinda proud of that. I had spaghetti arms at the end, but I squeezed out 60 of those mutha humpas!
Played on the playground, came home had lunch. Not sure why I did what I did, but I kind of chowed out on lunch. I had way more than I should of a not very good meal. It was nothing but beef and rice and I had two enormous bowls of it. After unhinging my jaw and tossing back the calories, I felt miserable. Not just physically but emotionally. I was kicking my own ass all over the place. What in the hell was I thinking? Why would I do that? In my funk of shame I pulled an old trick out of my hat. I went to the bathroom and rid myself of the offending meal. That's something I haven't done in years. Back in my cigarette and diet pill days I was a regular binge and purger. Not an every day thing, but I had no problem intaking and outputing whenever I felt the urge.
I'm embarrassed that I did this yesterday. This was not the road I wanted to go down. I want to do this the right way. The old fashioned way. The hard way. Simple diet and exercise. No fads, no quick fixes, no old tricks. And yet, there I was staring at the splatters on the shower curtain and rinsing my mouth in the sink. It's humiliating. I'm telling you this because I don't want to hide it. I don't want to sneak around doing stupid shit. I don't want to cheat myself. I'm being accountable and being honest. Even though it's ugly. Even though I don't want to. I can't allow myself to even look at that path, much less travel it. So, I'm keeping myself in check. Finger on my pulse, not down my throat.
Come on tomorrow, be a better day, let me be a better me.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Page 50-ish ???
One, two, skip a few, 50!
Did you ever do that as a kid plating hide and go seek or some other game like that? I did, and I'm cashing that trick in again. August was a funky month. A lot of ying and yang. Ups and downs in the same day, much less week or month. Cray-cray!
As most of you know, I got pretty sick. But I also scored a killer job and had a fabulous run of Scriprov. Last week I flew to Texas. It was great seeing my family and some friends, but I also said goodbye to one of my most favorite people on the planet, one of the greatest men I have ever known, my Uncle John. See? Ying yang.
Yesterday was my big back in the saddle moment. I was back in CO, got up, got my shoes on and had a great Stroller Strides workout with my girls. I felt incredible! 4 by 44 was back in full swing! Then I got a phone call. Uncle John went on to greener pastures that morning.
It was a tough day.
I tried staying active to keep my mind from entering dark spots. I hugged Pax. A lot. I cried. I talked to my mom. We cried. I looked for comfort in all the wrong places after that; tiramisu, a chocolate bar, Pirate Booty, 2 Malibu Bay Breezes.
It was a tough day.
Tomorrow we start over.
Till then, here's a picture that I also found some comfort in. He was a great man. He was more than an uncle, he was a second father. As sad as I am, I am happy for him. He is where he always wanted to be, and he is with his daughter Stephanie again. It was a happy day in heaven.
Love and respect you Uncle John... till we meet again...
Did you ever do that as a kid plating hide and go seek or some other game like that? I did, and I'm cashing that trick in again. August was a funky month. A lot of ying and yang. Ups and downs in the same day, much less week or month. Cray-cray!
As most of you know, I got pretty sick. But I also scored a killer job and had a fabulous run of Scriprov. Last week I flew to Texas. It was great seeing my family and some friends, but I also said goodbye to one of my most favorite people on the planet, one of the greatest men I have ever known, my Uncle John. See? Ying yang.
Yesterday was my big back in the saddle moment. I was back in CO, got up, got my shoes on and had a great Stroller Strides workout with my girls. I felt incredible! 4 by 44 was back in full swing! Then I got a phone call. Uncle John went on to greener pastures that morning.
It was a tough day.
I tried staying active to keep my mind from entering dark spots. I hugged Pax. A lot. I cried. I talked to my mom. We cried. I looked for comfort in all the wrong places after that; tiramisu, a chocolate bar, Pirate Booty, 2 Malibu Bay Breezes.
It was a tough day.
Tomorrow we start over.
Till then, here's a picture that I also found some comfort in. He was a great man. He was more than an uncle, he was a second father. As sad as I am, I am happy for him. He is where he always wanted to be, and he is with his daughter Stephanie again. It was a happy day in heaven.
Love and respect you Uncle John... till we meet again...
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Catch up time
Hey gang
So the EM came back and took me out. Another doc visit, more meds and some much needed rest, I am on the mend. Still no exercise. Still keeping food in check. It's been harder this round. The med is making me hungry as opposed to nauseous. Yuck. Doing my best.
Today I fly to Texas. Gonna spend the week with my family and attend my high school Theatre class reunion. Should be great! I'm all set for starting my workouts tomorrow morning. I have all my gear, a two mile run mapped out and I downloaded a new app called Sworkit. It's pretty cool. You tell it what you want to work on (upper, lower, full, cardio) and for how long and then it spits out this whole plan for you. Can't wait to try it! I'll let ya know how it goes.
The only thing is, I will not have my puter with me on this trip. No bloggin it out. I'll try to get in sometime, somehow, but it may be tricky. I am going to try and write it all long hand. You know, with a pen and paper. Right? How very retro of me.
I'm excited to get back on track. I'm excited to have my life in my own hands again. I'm excited to finish what I started and reach my goal! I can do it! 4 by 44 bitches!!!!!
So the EM came back and took me out. Another doc visit, more meds and some much needed rest, I am on the mend. Still no exercise. Still keeping food in check. It's been harder this round. The med is making me hungry as opposed to nauseous. Yuck. Doing my best.
Today I fly to Texas. Gonna spend the week with my family and attend my high school Theatre class reunion. Should be great! I'm all set for starting my workouts tomorrow morning. I have all my gear, a two mile run mapped out and I downloaded a new app called Sworkit. It's pretty cool. You tell it what you want to work on (upper, lower, full, cardio) and for how long and then it spits out this whole plan for you. Can't wait to try it! I'll let ya know how it goes.
The only thing is, I will not have my puter with me on this trip. No bloggin it out. I'll try to get in sometime, somehow, but it may be tricky. I am going to try and write it all long hand. You know, with a pen and paper. Right? How very retro of me.
I'm excited to get back on track. I'm excited to have my life in my own hands again. I'm excited to finish what I started and reach my goal! I can do it! 4 by 44 bitches!!!!!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Page 42
Day of rest and time to hit the reset button.
Face was swollen again. I felt like shit. I forged on. Woke up before the boys, ran to the store and got groceries for the day. Made a nice big breakfast.
Afterwards, we all decided we needed to hit the reset button. It had been a long week. Tough in some ways. Good in others. We all needed to reconnect with each other and our spirits. Head up and out. We packed up Lenny Skywalker (our 4 Runner) and trucked it west. We found ourselves on top of the world at Guenella Pass. We explored. We savored. No rush. No agenda. If we saw something we wanted to stop and see, we did. We discovered little treasures we might have missed. We shared little moments busier days would skip right by; peaches, giggles, chick monks (what Pax calls chipmunks), beautiful skies, enchanting spots, little streams, big rocks, peaceful quiet, friendly strangers, funny phrases.
The whole day I had the same expression on my face - this happy contended little grin. Not a big excited smile, just a perfectly happy little grin. My senses were completely satiated - cool air on my sore skin, breathtaking views filling my field of vision, listening to the wind and bird songs flying from pine tree to pine tree, kissing in the sweetness of my little bear's cheek, the perfumes of nature in abundance. Aaahhhhh... life truly is grand.
It's stuff like this, this spontaneous adventure that make everything, everything worth while. Moving here was the greatest, happiest accident of my life. Colorado is one big, giant reset button.
Face was swollen again. I felt like shit. I forged on. Woke up before the boys, ran to the store and got groceries for the day. Made a nice big breakfast.
Afterwards, we all decided we needed to hit the reset button. It had been a long week. Tough in some ways. Good in others. We all needed to reconnect with each other and our spirits. Head up and out. We packed up Lenny Skywalker (our 4 Runner) and trucked it west. We found ourselves on top of the world at Guenella Pass. We explored. We savored. No rush. No agenda. If we saw something we wanted to stop and see, we did. We discovered little treasures we might have missed. We shared little moments busier days would skip right by; peaches, giggles, chick monks (what Pax calls chipmunks), beautiful skies, enchanting spots, little streams, big rocks, peaceful quiet, friendly strangers, funny phrases.
The whole day I had the same expression on my face - this happy contended little grin. Not a big excited smile, just a perfectly happy little grin. My senses were completely satiated - cool air on my sore skin, breathtaking views filling my field of vision, listening to the wind and bird songs flying from pine tree to pine tree, kissing in the sweetness of my little bear's cheek, the perfumes of nature in abundance. Aaahhhhh... life truly is grand.
It's stuff like this, this spontaneous adventure that make everything, everything worth while. Moving here was the greatest, happiest accident of my life. Colorado is one big, giant reset button.
Page 41
So you know that whole trend of re-purposing stuff? Well I got a good one for you. All you breastfeeding mommies - keep your booby pads! Not the disposable catch your milk leak pads, the ones you keep in the freezer to soothe your aching hooter pads. They make for great face/eye swelling reducers!
You know I woke up Saturday morning looking like a marshmallow, well I spent the whole day trying to remedy that with Preparation H and booby pads. It worked pretty well! It wasn't 100%, but enough to survive my show without looking too much like Joseph Merrick. I'm gonna swear by this anytime I get a little puffy!
The show went well. Great, in fact. It was a packed house and the audience really seemed to have a great time. I was blown away by my girlfriends all coming and cheering me on. Yep, my heart cockles were sufficiently warmed. A major bonus for me was laying Sylvia. I always wanted to take on that role, but it became even sweeter after the passing of my baby girl in May. This one was for you, my little princess on the pillow. Penelope Mae Westie; May 29, 2003 - May 11 2012
Still haven't been able to workout. I was so set to do my run, dammit. It is breaking my heart and cracking my spirit, but I am not giving up. I will meet my goal! I will stay on track! This is but a mere bump in my road. This will not take me down. This will not stop me. I can and will do this. Chin up and carry on! My short term goal is to be full swing by Monday. Let's do this!
You know I woke up Saturday morning looking like a marshmallow, well I spent the whole day trying to remedy that with Preparation H and booby pads. It worked pretty well! It wasn't 100%, but enough to survive my show without looking too much like Joseph Merrick. I'm gonna swear by this anytime I get a little puffy!
The show went well. Great, in fact. It was a packed house and the audience really seemed to have a great time. I was blown away by my girlfriends all coming and cheering me on. Yep, my heart cockles were sufficiently warmed. A major bonus for me was laying Sylvia. I always wanted to take on that role, but it became even sweeter after the passing of my baby girl in May. This one was for you, my little princess on the pillow. Penelope Mae Westie; May 29, 2003 - May 11 2012
Still haven't been able to workout. I was so set to do my run, dammit. It is breaking my heart and cracking my spirit, but I am not giving up. I will meet my goal! I will stay on track! This is but a mere bump in my road. This will not take me down. This will not stop me. I can and will do this. Chin up and carry on! My short term goal is to be full swing by Monday. Let's do this!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Page 40
Freakin argh!
Had a great day yesterday everything went really well. Last night the show was killer. All this good goody good all around.
During the show I started noticing my face was puffing up. Started itching a bit. Ok, don't panic. Just stay calm. Let it go. Everything will be ok.
Went to bed with the full intention of starting my runs back up this morning. I have been looking forward to this all week long!!! I am so frustrated not exercising. It is driving me out of my ever lovin mind!!!
7:30 alarm goes off. My face feels hot and itchy. Don't panic. Get ot of bed and come down stairs. Pee. Look in the mirror. Muther fucker! My face looks like a marshmallow. My right hand is on fire and itching like mad. Under my eyes is the worst. This sucks. This sucks big giant green donkey cocks!
I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do... son of a bitch...
Had a great day yesterday everything went really well. Last night the show was killer. All this good goody good all around.
During the show I started noticing my face was puffing up. Started itching a bit. Ok, don't panic. Just stay calm. Let it go. Everything will be ok.
Went to bed with the full intention of starting my runs back up this morning. I have been looking forward to this all week long!!! I am so frustrated not exercising. It is driving me out of my ever lovin mind!!!
7:30 alarm goes off. My face feels hot and itchy. Don't panic. Get ot of bed and come down stairs. Pee. Look in the mirror. Muther fucker! My face looks like a marshmallow. My right hand is on fire and itching like mad. Under my eyes is the worst. This sucks. This sucks big giant green donkey cocks!
I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do... son of a bitch...
Friday, August 10, 2012
Page 39
Ok, so I understand why fictional monsters often have two heads. Real life monsters do! I was attacked by the two headed working mommy beast all day yesterday!
The job was incredible! We have round two today. It was incomprehensibly exciting to be back in my professional saddle. Talk about fitting in. It is truly the first time I really fit in, in years. Hand meet glove. My opinions mattered. My thoughts counted. What a sensation! Plus, it was fun! I mean real fun! I got to laugh and play grown up games (ok, so they slightly resembled some kid games). People were smart and funny and completely "on". It was incredible! The place was cool, the set up was cool (technically hot, since we were outside), the concept was cool, everything was freaking cool! And I got a workout!!! I was up on my feet running around in 4 inch wedges all day. Bouncing around, expelling a ton of energy. Cardio! I loved it! I was a mess by the end of day, but what a glorious mess. Hair flat and stringy, makeup completely worn off, clothes wrinkled and dirty, sweat beads dripping little balls of wet stank. Heavenly. During the debrief I felt like an equal, like a peer. I had done my job and done it well. I was proud. I felt good. Except... except this little gnawing at the base of my neck.
The whole day, I mean the whole day my mind would wander to my little guy. How was he. What was he doing. Did he miss me. How long till I see him. It's hard being without my little buddy. He is always with me. He goes where I go. Everywhere. Except here. There was such an empty spot. I wanted to hear his laugh all day long. Big ole crack in my heart. Every chance I got I looked at my phone to see if there was anything about him. Text. Picture. Email. Nothin. Glad I had plenty of pics to look at. That smile always brings me back to one.
After the casting I went and grabbed my guy and then headed back downtown for a Scriprov rehearsal. It was so good! I love the gentleman I am doing the scene with. What a pro! What a sweetheart! We worked our tails off. Got a lot done! It was great! There is a funny little something here though. Gotta share. At one point in the script, the character Greg sort of scolds me and gives me a little smack on the backside. I yelp and say ouch and all that. Every time we do that in front of Pax, he looses his mind! He starts yelling, "NO! That's my mommy! Stop it! No!" He gets so upset. He's my little protector. We had to change it a little so we can rehearse in front of him. It's so sweet. He doesn't want anyone to yell at me. Oh how I love him. My cockles are very warm.
After that I went to Target. Pax fell asleep and I carried him around the store while pushing the cart. This counts for an upper body workout. Strength training.
Got home and had a final fitting of my costume for Friday's Scriprov. It looks fabulous! It's a keeper! Then Shawn came home and we had a lovely evening. We decided to celebrate a wee bit and went to Ernie's for a pizza. Yum.
A little tv and then off to bed. It was quite a day. :o)
The job was incredible! We have round two today. It was incomprehensibly exciting to be back in my professional saddle. Talk about fitting in. It is truly the first time I really fit in, in years. Hand meet glove. My opinions mattered. My thoughts counted. What a sensation! Plus, it was fun! I mean real fun! I got to laugh and play grown up games (ok, so they slightly resembled some kid games). People were smart and funny and completely "on". It was incredible! The place was cool, the set up was cool (technically hot, since we were outside), the concept was cool, everything was freaking cool! And I got a workout!!! I was up on my feet running around in 4 inch wedges all day. Bouncing around, expelling a ton of energy. Cardio! I loved it! I was a mess by the end of day, but what a glorious mess. Hair flat and stringy, makeup completely worn off, clothes wrinkled and dirty, sweat beads dripping little balls of wet stank. Heavenly. During the debrief I felt like an equal, like a peer. I had done my job and done it well. I was proud. I felt good. Except... except this little gnawing at the base of my neck.
The whole day, I mean the whole day my mind would wander to my little guy. How was he. What was he doing. Did he miss me. How long till I see him. It's hard being without my little buddy. He is always with me. He goes where I go. Everywhere. Except here. There was such an empty spot. I wanted to hear his laugh all day long. Big ole crack in my heart. Every chance I got I looked at my phone to see if there was anything about him. Text. Picture. Email. Nothin. Glad I had plenty of pics to look at. That smile always brings me back to one.
After the casting I went and grabbed my guy and then headed back downtown for a Scriprov rehearsal. It was so good! I love the gentleman I am doing the scene with. What a pro! What a sweetheart! We worked our tails off. Got a lot done! It was great! There is a funny little something here though. Gotta share. At one point in the script, the character Greg sort of scolds me and gives me a little smack on the backside. I yelp and say ouch and all that. Every time we do that in front of Pax, he looses his mind! He starts yelling, "NO! That's my mommy! Stop it! No!" He gets so upset. He's my little protector. We had to change it a little so we can rehearse in front of him. It's so sweet. He doesn't want anyone to yell at me. Oh how I love him. My cockles are very warm.
After that I went to Target. Pax fell asleep and I carried him around the store while pushing the cart. This counts for an upper body workout. Strength training.
Got home and had a final fitting of my costume for Friday's Scriprov. It looks fabulous! It's a keeper! Then Shawn came home and we had a lovely evening. We decided to celebrate a wee bit and went to Ernie's for a pizza. Yum.
A little tv and then off to bed. It was quite a day. :o)
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Page 37/38
Due to the insanity that is my life this week, we will be combining a couple of pages. Think of it like a lift the flap book!
So I got this job. It is kicking my ass! Not necessarily in a bad way. It's a big reminder of several things. One, I love what I did. Two, I love what I do.
On the one front, it is thrilling to be called upon for "my area of expertise". Although this whole time I keep feeling like my cover is gonna be blown. I feel like any minute someone is gonna say, "Hey wait a minute... You're not brilliant at this!" and then I'll run off and someone else yells, "Get her!" and then some big chase ensues and there's a big car scene and guns and explosions and all that hoo ha. It's that whole not trusting myself to fit in or be good enough. There's gotta be a daddy issue in there. I know it. Buy, none the less, it does feel good to have these peeps that I respect beyond words call me and ask me to join their team for a week. My nerves are pretty intense. I just keep hoping I don't screw the whole thing up and then walk around the outskirts of the community with some big black ball attached to me.
I should probably tell you what the job is, huh... I'm casting a commercial. Crazy, right?
Ok, so I get this email last week asking me for some leads on some comics & improvisers. Great! I loves me my comics and improvisers! Sure, here are some names, yada yada yada... Next thing I hear is, "Hell, why don't we just let you cast this".... boi-oi-oi-oing!!!!What?.... "Oh, and here's who you'll be working with _____" ..... Holy Schyte! Ok. It's not like I could say no. Of course I'm gonna say yes, especially when they say, "and here's what we'll pay you".... bbrrrriiiippppp (that is the sound of a kitten being pooped)
So yeah, that happened. And all week I've been busting my hump not to let any one down - including myself. So far, I think so good. Today is the biggie. Today it all comes together (crossing fingers and wishing for the best). It's been wonderful to make calls and send emails and be all important. It feels good to have my ass kissed by some folk wanting to make a good impression. I know we're not supposed to say that, but c'mon, let's be honest. It feels good to get your ass kissed every now and then. My cheeks have been getting puckered on for the last couple of days and it is a sweet sweet sensation. It's been hard work. I have had a ton of stress, but it is exhilarating! Thrilling! Hustle bustle buzz buzz buzz!!!
Oooooon the other hand... the mommy in me feels like a jack wagon. I've been able to do most of the work from home, which is fabu, but little bear sooooooo doesn't understand why mommy isn't playing. He keeps grabbing my hand and saying, "come on mommy, come on". I die every single time. I've tried taking little breaks to read a book or do a puzzle, but the phone rings or someone needs something and I have to respond. He has not been first this week and it is breaking my heart. He's being a champ about the whole thing. He really is a remarkable kid. I don't know what I did to deserve him. And doing this job makes me question how much I deserve him. It makes me realize even more how important he is. How he is the end all be all of my existence right now. I need to earn him. I need to work for this blessing, to prove I am worthy of this little angel. I need to do more, be more to and for him. I can not and will not take this job lightly ever again. This week is a wonderful wake up call. Take the time to be the mommy. Take the moments and be present in his life. This time is fleeting. Jobs will come, but he is here once. Don't waste this!
I'm glad I'm having this experience. I am so grateful for all that I am learning from it. On both sides. One thing I have to say is, I am one lucky human. There are way more moms out there that don;t get this chance. They have to work. Sometimes even two jobs. My mom did. I think about that a lot. My mom didn't get to do all this. She didn't get to enjoy the tiny little moments. She was feeding us. She worked so hard she had to miss out on us kids growing up. She was there for everything she could be, but it's the little things she missed. Those little things are the things I treasure most... and she didn't even get the chance to have them. Next week when we go visit her, I'm gonna make sure she has some of those moments with Pax. I want to give her that gift. Tiny little bits of sunshine in his eyes. Little giggles. His fingers around her thumb. His breath on her cheek. She has earned that.. She deserves that.
So I got this job. It is kicking my ass! Not necessarily in a bad way. It's a big reminder of several things. One, I love what I did. Two, I love what I do.
On the one front, it is thrilling to be called upon for "my area of expertise". Although this whole time I keep feeling like my cover is gonna be blown. I feel like any minute someone is gonna say, "Hey wait a minute... You're not brilliant at this!" and then I'll run off and someone else yells, "Get her!" and then some big chase ensues and there's a big car scene and guns and explosions and all that hoo ha. It's that whole not trusting myself to fit in or be good enough. There's gotta be a daddy issue in there. I know it. Buy, none the less, it does feel good to have these peeps that I respect beyond words call me and ask me to join their team for a week. My nerves are pretty intense. I just keep hoping I don't screw the whole thing up and then walk around the outskirts of the community with some big black ball attached to me.
I should probably tell you what the job is, huh... I'm casting a commercial. Crazy, right?
Ok, so I get this email last week asking me for some leads on some comics & improvisers. Great! I loves me my comics and improvisers! Sure, here are some names, yada yada yada... Next thing I hear is, "Hell, why don't we just let you cast this".... boi-oi-oi-oing!!!!What?.... "Oh, and here's who you'll be working with _____" ..... Holy Schyte! Ok. It's not like I could say no. Of course I'm gonna say yes, especially when they say, "and here's what we'll pay you".... bbrrrriiiippppp (that is the sound of a kitten being pooped)
So yeah, that happened. And all week I've been busting my hump not to let any one down - including myself. So far, I think so good. Today is the biggie. Today it all comes together (crossing fingers and wishing for the best). It's been wonderful to make calls and send emails and be all important. It feels good to have my ass kissed by some folk wanting to make a good impression. I know we're not supposed to say that, but c'mon, let's be honest. It feels good to get your ass kissed every now and then. My cheeks have been getting puckered on for the last couple of days and it is a sweet sweet sensation. It's been hard work. I have had a ton of stress, but it is exhilarating! Thrilling! Hustle bustle buzz buzz buzz!!!
Oooooon the other hand... the mommy in me feels like a jack wagon. I've been able to do most of the work from home, which is fabu, but little bear sooooooo doesn't understand why mommy isn't playing. He keeps grabbing my hand and saying, "come on mommy, come on". I die every single time. I've tried taking little breaks to read a book or do a puzzle, but the phone rings or someone needs something and I have to respond. He has not been first this week and it is breaking my heart. He's being a champ about the whole thing. He really is a remarkable kid. I don't know what I did to deserve him. And doing this job makes me question how much I deserve him. It makes me realize even more how important he is. How he is the end all be all of my existence right now. I need to earn him. I need to work for this blessing, to prove I am worthy of this little angel. I need to do more, be more to and for him. I can not and will not take this job lightly ever again. This week is a wonderful wake up call. Take the time to be the mommy. Take the moments and be present in his life. This time is fleeting. Jobs will come, but he is here once. Don't waste this!
I'm glad I'm having this experience. I am so grateful for all that I am learning from it. On both sides. One thing I have to say is, I am one lucky human. There are way more moms out there that don;t get this chance. They have to work. Sometimes even two jobs. My mom did. I think about that a lot. My mom didn't get to do all this. She didn't get to enjoy the tiny little moments. She was feeding us. She worked so hard she had to miss out on us kids growing up. She was there for everything she could be, but it's the little things she missed. Those little things are the things I treasure most... and she didn't even get the chance to have them. Next week when we go visit her, I'm gonna make sure she has some of those moments with Pax. I want to give her that gift. Tiny little bits of sunshine in his eyes. Little giggles. His fingers around her thumb. His breath on her cheek. She has earned that.. She deserves that.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Page 37
Life, she is a funny little bugger sometimes.
Here are some updates... my EM is getting better every day. My last dose of meds is Tuesday and for that I am so eternally grateful! It is shocking to see it work so fast, but it took a tole on me. It's ok, I'm bouncing back and should be 100% by the end of the week. Deep breath in.... deep breath out..... ahhhh. There is light at the end of this proverbial tunnel!
While my workouts have had to be in the nil category, my eating has been in check. Mostly due to the nausea, but hey I'll takes what I can gets! Oddly enough right now, I'd rather feel pukey than feel like I want to eat the couch and everything else around me.
Some bonuses have come my way and I am celebrating every little victory.
One, I had a rehearsal for Scriprov last night. While it wasn't a great rehearsal, great things came from it. Saw exactly where and what needs tweaking. Planned some more rehearsals. Got some ideas. Worked some kinks. Plus I got to be in the company of incredible, talented people that I adore.
Two, Curiosity landing on Mars! That was amazing! It was a thrill to actually see us as a nation boldly go! My husband Shawn was giddy with excitement. I adored sharing that moment with him - snuggled on the couch in front of a lap top and an ipad for backup. We had the footage at NASA and the simulator going. So geekaliciously cool! To the young ladies of this world, heed my advice! Go ahead and date the jock, but always always marry the geek!!!!
Three, I have been hired to do a very exciting job this week! I am casting a commercial spot for a Get Out the Vote campaign here in CO. I'm working with some of my most favorite people on the planet!!! I adore, I mean ADORE the director, producer and production company!!! I so miss being a part of that world. It's nice to be in the mix again. Now, don't get me wrong I would never trade anything for mommyhood, but it's nice to be needed in a grown up sort of way. I do hope that when the time comes to return to the workforce full time I find something that fills my heart and spirit. It would be nice to be back in my field, but whatever it is, wherever I go I hope I feel as fabulous as I do when I'm working with talent.
Four, I have a little high school theatre reunion coming up next week and this time I get to go!!! Weeee!!! I have my plane ticket and am headed to Texas next Thursday! I'm gonna miss the snot boogers out of Shawn, and I know Pax is gonna be all sorts of not happy being without his daddy, but it will be so lovely to spend time with my mommy. I miss her. She is a remarkable woman and the greatest granny a kid could ever ask for. Pax is gonna love being with her!!!
Five, packing for said trip won't be nearly as heart breaking as it would have been a month ago. I threw on a pair of shorts today that I couldn't take on a trip back in June. Not only did they fit, but they fit just right. No pinching, no bulging, no squeezing. Just a zip and a snap and all was good to go! What a lovely feeling.
This theme of fitting in is hopefully headed in the right direction. I'm starting to fit into my clothes and starting to feel like I fit into my life. Positive horizons ahead.
Here are some updates... my EM is getting better every day. My last dose of meds is Tuesday and for that I am so eternally grateful! It is shocking to see it work so fast, but it took a tole on me. It's ok, I'm bouncing back and should be 100% by the end of the week. Deep breath in.... deep breath out..... ahhhh. There is light at the end of this proverbial tunnel!
While my workouts have had to be in the nil category, my eating has been in check. Mostly due to the nausea, but hey I'll takes what I can gets! Oddly enough right now, I'd rather feel pukey than feel like I want to eat the couch and everything else around me.
Some bonuses have come my way and I am celebrating every little victory.
One, I had a rehearsal for Scriprov last night. While it wasn't a great rehearsal, great things came from it. Saw exactly where and what needs tweaking. Planned some more rehearsals. Got some ideas. Worked some kinks. Plus I got to be in the company of incredible, talented people that I adore.
Two, Curiosity landing on Mars! That was amazing! It was a thrill to actually see us as a nation boldly go! My husband Shawn was giddy with excitement. I adored sharing that moment with him - snuggled on the couch in front of a lap top and an ipad for backup. We had the footage at NASA and the simulator going. So geekaliciously cool! To the young ladies of this world, heed my advice! Go ahead and date the jock, but always always marry the geek!!!!
Three, I have been hired to do a very exciting job this week! I am casting a commercial spot for a Get Out the Vote campaign here in CO. I'm working with some of my most favorite people on the planet!!! I adore, I mean ADORE the director, producer and production company!!! I so miss being a part of that world. It's nice to be in the mix again. Now, don't get me wrong I would never trade anything for mommyhood, but it's nice to be needed in a grown up sort of way. I do hope that when the time comes to return to the workforce full time I find something that fills my heart and spirit. It would be nice to be back in my field, but whatever it is, wherever I go I hope I feel as fabulous as I do when I'm working with talent.
Four, I have a little high school theatre reunion coming up next week and this time I get to go!!! Weeee!!! I have my plane ticket and am headed to Texas next Thursday! I'm gonna miss the snot boogers out of Shawn, and I know Pax is gonna be all sorts of not happy being without his daddy, but it will be so lovely to spend time with my mommy. I miss her. She is a remarkable woman and the greatest granny a kid could ever ask for. Pax is gonna love being with her!!!
Five, packing for said trip won't be nearly as heart breaking as it would have been a month ago. I threw on a pair of shorts today that I couldn't take on a trip back in June. Not only did they fit, but they fit just right. No pinching, no bulging, no squeezing. Just a zip and a snap and all was good to go! What a lovely feeling.
This theme of fitting in is hopefully headed in the right direction. I'm starting to fit into my clothes and starting to feel like I fit into my life. Positive horizons ahead.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Page 35
Things are getting better. The doc gave me a different dosage of the meds. It's been an interesting reaction. The good news is, I'm healing much, much quicker. The meh news is I feel so bizarre. I'm certainly not ravenous this time around. I'm more nauseous. Ok. I'm very dizzy and loopy and even passed out at one point. Shawn has been great. He's taking really good care of me and our little fella. Even bought a birthday present for Pax's friend and took him to the party for me. I've done a lot of resting. I think that is helping too. As heart broken as I am not participating in this weekend's run of Scriprov, I am thankful for the time to get better and the lack of stress. Stress usually exasperates the EM to major degrees. So this is good. I have a rehearsal on Monday. The way it looks right now, I will be there. My last round of meds is Tuesday. I may be back in full swing by Wednesday. This could be one of the shortest bouts in my history. Oh, thank goodness...
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Page 34
I found myself at the doctor's office yesterday trying to get this crap behind me. The usual treatment is Medrol Prednisone. Nasty, nasty stuff. I hate it. I crossed every dangly appendage I had there might be some new, or better solution. Nope. It's either live through it and hope for the best or swallow the shit and move forward. With all that is going on, I chose to swallow the shit.
So this takes me out for a few days. One, heat. Heat makes my EM spread, so I have to stay as cool or cold as possible. No hot baths, no going outside in this weather, no warm fuzzy blankets on the couch. Two, heart rate. Gotta keep it in check. That too makes the EM spread. No exercise, no playing chase, no stress. Three, the meds. Ugh. For some reason, when I take that stuff it makes me feel so bizarre. My heart feels like its being slowed, almost sat on. It's a weird sensation. It's also depressing. It really screws with my emotions. I constantly feel like crying. Probably for more reasons than the steroid, but it certainly doesn't help. It also makes me hungry. I'm not looking forward to this battle.
I will say I fought it sort of well and then not so sort of well yesterday. The first bout was a win. I wanted ice cream so damned bad. I was looking for every reason not to buy some while I waited for my prescription at Safeway. I think it was more emotional craving than anything, but it was a force. I avoided that aisle and walked around gathering other things. I found myself in front of a pair of socks. Cheap running socks at Safeway. Ok. I'll get those. I want a treat, so I'll treat myself to those instead of some frozen strawberry creamy concoction with bits of cheesecake swirled in for good measure. I didn't do as well with the deviled eggs. Six of them. I thought Pax would like them. Nope. So I finished the little container. He had one. I had five over the course of the afternoon/evening. By that time it was a full blown reaction to the med. I wanted to eat everything I saw. I wound up having a salad for lunch, those deviled eggs, the few remaining Cheetos from Pax's lunch and a late dinner of a small plate of spaghetti and meatballs that Shawn made. I also had half an apple and a banana and two glasses of whole milk. This is gonna be hard.
My emotions are in the pooper. I'm bummin for so many reasons. I can't believe that I was on such a good trajectory and then BAM! Right in the kisser! I know I can get back on track. I have to get back on track. I refuse to let myself loose to this shit. It's a beast I've been tackling for decades and I will not let it win. It's just right now... right now I'm in the middle of the fight and I'm getting my ass handed to me. I'm uncomfortable. I'm restricted. I'm angry. I'm sad. Pax doesn't understand. He just wants mommy to play and "come on". That breaks my heart. I also feel like I'm letting folk down. Last night my show opened, and I wasn't there. Don't know if I can be there tonight. That really, really sucks. Shawn came home from work and the place was trashed. I didn't get anything done that I usually try to have done before he comes home. It's like I'm failing all around. I've got to find something good in this. I just don;t know where the hell it is. It must be under a rock or stuck in the middle of some stupid hay stack. This one is gonna be hard.
It's 5 freaking thirty in the morning. I've been up for over an hour. My head is spinning. I should be resting up for my favorite run of the week, my Saturday morning solace. I should be exhilarated from last night and thrillingly nervous about tonight. Instead I'm looking at a computer screen and trying to clear my mind. Haven't reached breathing yet. Still kinda underwater. Don't worry, I'll get there. I always do... just gonna take a couple of days... I've been here before.
So this takes me out for a few days. One, heat. Heat makes my EM spread, so I have to stay as cool or cold as possible. No hot baths, no going outside in this weather, no warm fuzzy blankets on the couch. Two, heart rate. Gotta keep it in check. That too makes the EM spread. No exercise, no playing chase, no stress. Three, the meds. Ugh. For some reason, when I take that stuff it makes me feel so bizarre. My heart feels like its being slowed, almost sat on. It's a weird sensation. It's also depressing. It really screws with my emotions. I constantly feel like crying. Probably for more reasons than the steroid, but it certainly doesn't help. It also makes me hungry. I'm not looking forward to this battle.
I will say I fought it sort of well and then not so sort of well yesterday. The first bout was a win. I wanted ice cream so damned bad. I was looking for every reason not to buy some while I waited for my prescription at Safeway. I think it was more emotional craving than anything, but it was a force. I avoided that aisle and walked around gathering other things. I found myself in front of a pair of socks. Cheap running socks at Safeway. Ok. I'll get those. I want a treat, so I'll treat myself to those instead of some frozen strawberry creamy concoction with bits of cheesecake swirled in for good measure. I didn't do as well with the deviled eggs. Six of them. I thought Pax would like them. Nope. So I finished the little container. He had one. I had five over the course of the afternoon/evening. By that time it was a full blown reaction to the med. I wanted to eat everything I saw. I wound up having a salad for lunch, those deviled eggs, the few remaining Cheetos from Pax's lunch and a late dinner of a small plate of spaghetti and meatballs that Shawn made. I also had half an apple and a banana and two glasses of whole milk. This is gonna be hard.
My emotions are in the pooper. I'm bummin for so many reasons. I can't believe that I was on such a good trajectory and then BAM! Right in the kisser! I know I can get back on track. I have to get back on track. I refuse to let myself loose to this shit. It's a beast I've been tackling for decades and I will not let it win. It's just right now... right now I'm in the middle of the fight and I'm getting my ass handed to me. I'm uncomfortable. I'm restricted. I'm angry. I'm sad. Pax doesn't understand. He just wants mommy to play and "come on". That breaks my heart. I also feel like I'm letting folk down. Last night my show opened, and I wasn't there. Don't know if I can be there tonight. That really, really sucks. Shawn came home from work and the place was trashed. I didn't get anything done that I usually try to have done before he comes home. It's like I'm failing all around. I've got to find something good in this. I just don;t know where the hell it is. It must be under a rock or stuck in the middle of some stupid hay stack. This one is gonna be hard.
It's 5 freaking thirty in the morning. I've been up for over an hour. My head is spinning. I should be resting up for my favorite run of the week, my Saturday morning solace. I should be exhilarated from last night and thrillingly nervous about tonight. Instead I'm looking at a computer screen and trying to clear my mind. Haven't reached breathing yet. Still kinda underwater. Don't worry, I'll get there. I always do... just gonna take a couple of days... I've been here before.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Page 33
So, here it is, the next morning. I was really hoping to see a better day. Nope. The nasty stuff is not only on my left arm, but is now on my right and starting to break out up around my eyes. This isn't good. This really isn't good.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Page 32
Son of a motherless whore!!! One thing down, another pops up...
Ok, lemme splain this one too. I know some of you were probably confused about why I would be taken down for a couple of days by a bee sting. Well here's the skinny; I have a disorder called erythema multiforme. Awhatahwhoey? Erythema multiforme is a thing that causes my body, in particular my skin, to have extreme and sometimes severe reactions to certain stimuli - like sunburns, bee stings, infections, cold sores, over the counter and some prescription drugs. It's a pain in the ass.
There have been periods in my life where this was debilitating and I was unable to straighten my arms and legs for up to six weeks. There have been times when it has attacked my mucus membranes to such degrees that hospital visits were necessary. It is incredibly painful and not very pleasant to look at - which is terribly humiliating. I have to always keep this in the back of my mind and try to make sure I don't trigger it when out and about in the world. A bee sting can trigger it, which is why I was taking such intense measures to take care of it. However cautious and attentive I have been the past few days, I forgot to think about the copious amounts of Benadryl and how that might effect me. Freakin duh. It did and now I sit here with a lovely breakout on my left arm. Deep breath in. Let it out.
Good news, I got some good sweat in earlier today, even though it wasn't technically a workout. Bad news is, I had to cancel my run to try and quell the beast. My rehearsal this afternoon was in a hot room and very involved, so I was definitely glistening throughout. I did walk there and back... who am I kidding. I didn't get to work out today. It sucks. I flat out freakin sucks.
OK, so no meds tonight. Keeping calm. Focusing on positive thoughts. Cold compress and see how it is in the morning. What a week...
Ok, lemme splain this one too. I know some of you were probably confused about why I would be taken down for a couple of days by a bee sting. Well here's the skinny; I have a disorder called erythema multiforme. Awhatahwhoey? Erythema multiforme is a thing that causes my body, in particular my skin, to have extreme and sometimes severe reactions to certain stimuli - like sunburns, bee stings, infections, cold sores, over the counter and some prescription drugs. It's a pain in the ass.
There have been periods in my life where this was debilitating and I was unable to straighten my arms and legs for up to six weeks. There have been times when it has attacked my mucus membranes to such degrees that hospital visits were necessary. It is incredibly painful and not very pleasant to look at - which is terribly humiliating. I have to always keep this in the back of my mind and try to make sure I don't trigger it when out and about in the world. A bee sting can trigger it, which is why I was taking such intense measures to take care of it. However cautious and attentive I have been the past few days, I forgot to think about the copious amounts of Benadryl and how that might effect me. Freakin duh. It did and now I sit here with a lovely breakout on my left arm. Deep breath in. Let it out.
Good news, I got some good sweat in earlier today, even though it wasn't technically a workout. Bad news is, I had to cancel my run to try and quell the beast. My rehearsal this afternoon was in a hot room and very involved, so I was definitely glistening throughout. I did walk there and back... who am I kidding. I didn't get to work out today. It sucks. I flat out freakin sucks.
OK, so no meds tonight. Keeping calm. Focusing on positive thoughts. Cold compress and see how it is in the morning. What a week...
Pages 30 & 31
Page 30 - Hand be damned!
I spent my day nursing this thing back to health. The regimen went like this; pop some Benadryl, stick hand in bowl of ice for as long as possible, cast hand in baking soda paste for as long as possible, stick hand in bowl of ice for as long as possible, cast hand in baking soda paste for as long as possible, pop some Benadryl, lather, rinse, repeat.
Page 31 - insert Stephen Tyler screeching, "I'm baaaaaack! I'm baaack in the saddle aga-ey-ain! I'm baaaaaack!"
Yes! The bee only kept me down for two days! I did it!! Take that you little yellow and black mutha sucka!
Got us up and out the door, ready to roll. I still had a bit of a Benadryl hangover, my hand wasn't 100% and I received my regularly scheduled serving of egg drop soup, if you know what I mean, but I was there!!! I was at Stroller Strides with my girls! Hell yeah! Unbeknownst to me, it was our Olympic event class. Super fun!!! We all had a blast competing and working our ashes off. I was on the green team, which we decided would represent Jamaica. With me were Barb and Erin. Great girls! The first competition was Synchronized Fitness - we had to make up a three minute routine using certain specified elements, i.e. squats, soldier kicks, push ups, lunges, and other some suches. We Jamaicans went for creativity points while the French kind of kicked us all in the tukus with difficulty points. From there we did relays and some other crazy races. It was so much fun and a really great workout. Everything was covered. Everything got worked and everyone laughed. The Jamaicans took the silver in most of the team competitions. Sweet! After all that we went for individual golds. Hundred yard dash, plank off and a squat off. I brought home sweet victory in the squat off!!!120 in two minutes!!! Ok, let me be a little honest here... while I'm proud of this right now, by the end of the two minutes I thought I was going to have a brain aneurysm. What the hell was I thinking? I had to tell myself at one point, "Shauna, this isn't a real gold medal. Slow down, turbo!" I don't know what gets into me... the back of my head was on fire, I got dizzy, thought I was gonna puke... sheesh. I am such a doofus when it comes to competing.
But I gotta admit... It was kinda fun wearing the little plastic medal.... yeah, I'm a dork.
Trying to remember the food stuff... breakfast... :o/ coffee and I think that's it...
lunch was a sans hate chicken and berry salad from Wendy's (yes, this is a statement I am making here)
dinner was some jambalaya. I don't recall a snack. I was a tad busy and running around.
Water all day, but 2% milk with dinner.
All I know, is that I went right over the bump in my road. I did not let it stop me or take me down. Sometimes when I'm running I want to give up. I have to fight for every foot pound on the pavement. During those moments I say to myself, "Don't quit. Just don't quit" and it keeps me going. It's easy to quit. It's hard to keep going. But when I do, when I hear the little voice on my Nike ap say, "Congratulations! You reached your goal!" it's worth every moment of pain and frustration. I know that on my birthday this year, I will hear those words in a bigger way and it will feel great! It will be worth every moment of pain and frustration. So, don't quit. Just don't quit.
I spent my day nursing this thing back to health. The regimen went like this; pop some Benadryl, stick hand in bowl of ice for as long as possible, cast hand in baking soda paste for as long as possible, stick hand in bowl of ice for as long as possible, cast hand in baking soda paste for as long as possible, pop some Benadryl, lather, rinse, repeat.
Page 31 - insert Stephen Tyler screeching, "I'm baaaaaack! I'm baaack in the saddle aga-ey-ain! I'm baaaaaack!"
Yes! The bee only kept me down for two days! I did it!! Take that you little yellow and black mutha sucka!
Got us up and out the door, ready to roll. I still had a bit of a Benadryl hangover, my hand wasn't 100% and I received my regularly scheduled serving of egg drop soup, if you know what I mean, but I was there!!! I was at Stroller Strides with my girls! Hell yeah! Unbeknownst to me, it was our Olympic event class. Super fun!!! We all had a blast competing and working our ashes off. I was on the green team, which we decided would represent Jamaica. With me were Barb and Erin. Great girls! The first competition was Synchronized Fitness - we had to make up a three minute routine using certain specified elements, i.e. squats, soldier kicks, push ups, lunges, and other some suches. We Jamaicans went for creativity points while the French kind of kicked us all in the tukus with difficulty points. From there we did relays and some other crazy races. It was so much fun and a really great workout. Everything was covered. Everything got worked and everyone laughed. The Jamaicans took the silver in most of the team competitions. Sweet! After all that we went for individual golds. Hundred yard dash, plank off and a squat off. I brought home sweet victory in the squat off!!!120 in two minutes!!! Ok, let me be a little honest here... while I'm proud of this right now, by the end of the two minutes I thought I was going to have a brain aneurysm. What the hell was I thinking? I had to tell myself at one point, "Shauna, this isn't a real gold medal. Slow down, turbo!" I don't know what gets into me... the back of my head was on fire, I got dizzy, thought I was gonna puke... sheesh. I am such a doofus when it comes to competing.
But I gotta admit... It was kinda fun wearing the little plastic medal.... yeah, I'm a dork.
Trying to remember the food stuff... breakfast... :o/ coffee and I think that's it...
lunch was a sans hate chicken and berry salad from Wendy's (yes, this is a statement I am making here)
dinner was some jambalaya. I don't recall a snack. I was a tad busy and running around.
Water all day, but 2% milk with dinner.
All I know, is that I went right over the bump in my road. I did not let it stop me or take me down. Sometimes when I'm running I want to give up. I have to fight for every foot pound on the pavement. During those moments I say to myself, "Don't quit. Just don't quit" and it keeps me going. It's easy to quit. It's hard to keep going. But when I do, when I hear the little voice on my Nike ap say, "Congratulations! You reached your goal!" it's worth every moment of pain and frustration. I know that on my birthday this year, I will hear those words in a bigger way and it will feel great! It will be worth every moment of pain and frustration. So, don't quit. Just don't quit.
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