Ho Ho Ho!!

Well hello there my peeps!!!

In my family we have a wonderful "giving" tradition. We exchange one Christmas ornament per family instead of buying a whole bunch of gifts. We do a silly name drawing after Thanksgiving dinner when the whole clan is around and able to share. I love the whole thing because...

1) It cuts out the stress of trying to pick "the right gift".

2) There is no competition. You know there is always one family member that can't seem to stick to the pre-determined $20 maximum amount and winds up throwing a 50" plasma screen into the mix and everyone else feels like a jack wagon.

3) It creates memories as opposed to garage sales. Every year when I decorate my tree I smile knowing where my ornaments come from. I also smile because I don't have a pile of old "gifts" that I really didn't need or necessarily want staring at me waiting to be tossed on the lawn with a $1.00 sticker on it.

4) Everyone can afford to participate. Even if you say, "Ok, we're only giving to kids" or "Just one gift from each person for a White Elephant" it can really rack up the bucks. As families grow, so do the number of presents.

5) It gets back to the real essence of the season. The holidays aren't about gifts. Or at least they shouldn't be. They're about spending time with people you love, or have to love. It's about laughing with them and even sometimes at yourself. It's about sharing time and stories and hugs, not things in red paper with green sparkly bows on top.

So... that's what we do and why I dig it.

Every year I try to either make or choose an ornament that is reflective of us. This year, after several hours of pinning, I chose to make a hand print Santa. Of course my mom went bananas over it. Glad I brought a spare in case she didn't draw our name!!!!

Here's the hows and what nots of the whole hoo ha;

(Please know this project took a couple of tries to get it right. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes)

I started out by finding the right salt dough recipe. This may have been one of the more challenging pats of the whole kaboodle.

1/2 c. salt
1/2 c. four
1/4 c. water

That simple and yet so hard to figure out!!!

After experimenting with various thicknesses, I made three very thin circles and got my little guy to press his hand into them. Be sure to press super hard!!! Oh! And roll up your kid's sleeve!!!

After that I used a knife to cut around the hand. I left a bit of an edge - which I think wound up working best. We tried whole circles, we tried trimming to the image, meh...

Toothpicks seem to work best for making the ribbon whole. Just kinda wriggle it around to create the desired size.

Stick them on a parchment paper covered cookie sheet and bake for three hours at 200*

Day two was painting day!! I got cheap acrylic paint from Big Lots ($3!!) Yes, the paint does need to be acrylic. If you go that route, may I suggest buying more than one set. Tiny tubes and lots o' white means... you get the idea. I began with a black sharpie and sort of vaguely made some outline marks. I painted all the white, the went on to the red. I've never mixed paint before, so I was bit on the terrified side when it came to the color of Santa's face. I took some of the ochre, some white, a teeny tiny bit of red and mixed it and added color until I got somewhere in the family of what I was aiming for. Don't have any specific measurements. It's a do and see and keep doing until you see sort of thing. He doesn't look nearly as much like an Oompa Loompa as I was afraid he would! Blue eyes, red nose. I had to mix again to get the pink lips. Simple, red & white make pink!!

Let this dry!!! I mean, really let this dry!! Don't rush it and try to finish or else things will smudge and run and get all blechy.

Once it is all good and set, time to modge podge!!! I laid it on sort of medium thick. Got a good shine, but it doesn't blind you in the light. After that dried I tied some cute ribbon and voila! Ok, at first I went the yarn route, meh... ribbon was waaaaaayyyyy cuter!!!

Hope you have fun creating little ho ho fellas!!! Would love to see how yours come out!!!

May your days be merry and bright!!!!

Pages 3 - 6

Well it has been a good week. Not perfect, but heading in the right direction and for that I am grateful and proud.

As you know I worked out on Monday and didn't on Tuesday. I got in some good sweat on Wednesday in a Melissa class and Thursday got my ass kicked in a Maura class. Holy sheep shit!! I haven't experienced a Maura class and now I have to keep going back for more!!!! It was hill day and I felt every step and every muscle. It was incredible!!! It was awesome to be so challenged! Not that Amanda and Melissa don't challenge. They do! Oh yes, they do! It's just this was an extra challenge. A good extra challenge. The combination of these gals is amazing!! So glad I get to experience them all!!! On top of all the ass kicking hill training, I of course was plagued with flat tires. Me and flat tires.. what the hell? I got the flat on the Bob fixed. Hooray and thank you Shawn! But I had both Ava and Pax on Thursday, so it was double stroller time and of course the double stroller had to have double flats. Yay for me! Also, I'm finding out how much nicer it is to have a front wheel that swivels. The Bob yes! The double, not so much. Two kids, two flats, no swivel and hills. I think I got my workout.

Friday's exercise wasn't quite so intense. It was actually on the meh side. Ok, it was on the barely there side. Pax had soccer and since he hasn't quite gotten into the spirit of the game, I play along with him. I know, I know.... hear me out. He wasn't having so much fun and spent a good portion of the time crying or sitting in my lap watching the other kids. I was thinking about calling it quits when I talked to some other moms. They said they had very similar experiences with their little ones. Some kids jump in, some need to wade in. One mom told me she played with her son the first several weeks until he showed signs that he was enjoying himself and wanted to go it alone. The coach was completely cool with it and so I'm following in her footsteps. I spent my Friday morning running up and down the hill, around the field and weaving in and out of poles holding Pax's hand and trying to get him to kick the ball. I got a little glisten on my skin, but not what I would deem a good sweat. Waa waa...

Saturday! Hooray!!! I ran! Weee!!! I ran!!! I have to admit, I was pretty nervous about running. It's been weeks since I got in a good solid run. Actually, I think it's been over a month. Come to think of it, if I am recalling correctly, the last good run I had was in Texas. Damn! Maybe that's why I haven't really pushed for it. Maybe that's why I have let the excuse monster win a few battles. I was worried. Worried it would suck. Worried I lost my mojo. Worried I'd be starting all over from scratch. I let fear take the reins. Not good Kimosabe. So this afternoon, after a lovely playdate with some great pals, Pax, Bob and I headed for Sloan's lake. I told myself at the start that if I needed to, I could cut myself a little slack. It has been a while. It's like I was mentally preparing myself for failure. I said if I needed to walk after a mile, then I needed to walk after a mile, but at least get in a mile. I set my Nike ap, power walked down to my starting line and hit "begin workout". Started off a little huffy puffy, but pushed through it. Thank you to Joe Jackson for getting me off on the right rhythmic foot. Mile one came up and I felt great. No need to walk. Keep swimming. Passed my half way marker (the playground on the south side of the lake). Still felt great. Keep swimming. Next thing I know I hear, "Two miles"coming from my iphone. Sweet! I did it!!! At this point I cut myself a small bit of slack and paused my workout. I celebrated by drinking some water and walking maybe a quarter of a mile. I got to the straight away by the beach and "resumed my workout". When I saw my victory hill I knew I was officially back in the saddle. I pushed up that bugger with Wayne Coyne singing, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" This is what I needed!! Mojo has been found!! I crossed my finish line with a smile. 2.44 miles of running. Not a great pace, but that's ok. I put one foot in front of the other and kept going. I did it. I'm back.

I have a new goal. I want to not only reach my size four, but I want to amp up my workouts. I figure I can get 3-4 SS classes in each week and at least 3 runs in each week. No reason not to. No reason I can't. I want to be the best me I can be. This isn't just about looking a certain way. This is about feeling a certain way. Feeling comfortable in my skin. Feeling proud of myself. Feeling healthy. Feeling fit. Feeling good.

Page 2

Oh the situational poetry of life..

So yesterday was my first day aiding at Pax's preschool. In case ya dunno - Pax attends a cooperative preschool two hours a week on Tuesdays. It's awesome! Since it is a co-op, I have to aid in the classroom one class a month and serve on a committee. So happy to do it! Yesterday was my day. It was awesome!

The bummer was that I couldn't do SS. Ok. I planned for little bear and I to get up early and ride the bike to school. Nope. Rain. That also took out running there and back. Ok, I'll run later. Nope. Running was taken off the table when Pax got bit by an enormous turtle. I thought he broke his little pointer finger! It was mangled and swollen and he wouldn't move it. Yes, I played the part of panicky mommy. A few hours and buckets of tears later, he fell asleep on me. I didn't dare move, and to be honest I kind of didn't want to move. I think we both needed a break.

My next plan of action was to go down to the basement and use my Sworkit ap after Shawn got home from work. Pax woke up, I got laundry going, house all shiny, dinner planned and prepped. This was gonna work. Shawn got home. Hooray! I asked if he would play with Pax upstairs while I worked out downstairs. His response was, "Aw man. Can it wait? Let me get settled and do fix the frog tank first". Ok. I can do that. How about I'll get dinner started and then go downstairs while you kind of help with the sides? "Aw man. Can't you do it after dinner? I've had a long day." Ok. Not the best way to go about this, but sure. I finish dinner. Pax and Shawn are almost finished with dinner. I suggest the two of them playing while I go downstairs. "Aw man. I was hoping to get him in bed early so we could watch The Avengers" (the movie he was super excited to bring home and share with me) Ok. I'll just figure something out... sigh...

It was really nice sharing the movie together. It was a good movie, but what made it great was Shawn.

Today I'll simply double up. Looks like the rain is clearing away. I'll do SS this morning and run this afternoon.

Food was better yesterday. Skipped breakfast. Had a cup of coffee. Lunch, Greek yogurt and granola. Snack, Greek yogurt and granola. Dinner, small piece of chicken, rice and corn. Not enough water and a glass of 1% with dinner.

Here's to today's double up!!!

Chapter 2 Page 1

My ass took a beating in August and September. From being sick to scoring a job to doing a show to traveling to Texas to two consecutive losses in my family, I was really taken out of the game. And now I sit here staring at the calendar, incredibly disappointed and yet still hopeful.

I'm a week away from 44 and miles away from 4. I will not make the original deadline. That is a hard thing to admit. It is a hard thing to realize. It is a hard thing to accept. The one thing I will not accept is defeat.

Something I noticed in the shenanigans that kept punching me in the face and gut the past couple of months is this; rhythm is everything. I need rhythm. If I am out of sync, nothing works. I can handle syncopation. I just can't hang with the kind of middle aged white guy tearing up the dance floor to a bad wedding DJ's ode to the 80's type of hoo ha I have been experiencing lately. No rhythm what so ever!

I discovered this need back when I first started running. Every time I went out with the gang during the 5K training last spring, the leaders would always shout out, "get your rhythm!" Yeah, yeah, whatever.. was my initital thought. All I could think to do was survive till the whistle blew. Rhythm schmhythym. If my feet were following each other and I was making some sort of forward progression, I thought I was doing it. WRONG! It didn't hit me till I started doing this slightly OCD thing of counting my steps. 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4. Things started to move a little easier. My pace picked up. My breathing got better. The space between whistles was less grueling. Maybe there was something to the rhythm crap. Then the bolt of lightening hit the day I ran with itunes. Holy poop kittens. It was as though the heavens parted and angels carried me through my run while singing "Aaaahhhh!!!!" Ok, it wasn't like that. Not even remotely. But, it was better. And it kept getting better. Rhythm became an integral part of my success. It became the glue that held everything together - from exercise, to getting through my day, to keeping my sanity. So when the bottom fell out and the rhythm spilled all over the floor, nothing was held together. Nothing.

The struggle to get back has been finding my rhythm again. Finding my pace, my beat. Even my schedule got a big ole wrench in it. That is until one workout last week. It was an Amanda class. I don't know what it was, but I felt it. I felt the drum beating again. I felt the urge to stay in time, or to pull time like a fine jazz musician. Staying in the measure, but picking it up just enough to make it interesting. And a one and a two and a three. And a one-e and a two-e and three-e. I started doing faster reps to double my exercise again. Yes! I was back in the swing! It felt fanfreakintastic!

I still had some schedule sorting to do, so my official back to it full swing didn't happen until today. And the good news... it happened. Great workout this morning. Full tires, on time, full energy, big sweat. All good. The new schedule is gonna be wonky, but I think it can work. I just have to make it work.

M - SS
T - SS for three weeks out of the month, bike ride or run for one week of the month
W - SS
TH - run
F - run
Sa - run
Su - rest

My diet has changed too. A good SS friend told me all about the glories of Greek yogurt. She lost 4 lbs and one inch pretty quickly. (not that she needed to, she's pretty diesel) So, today I started that as well. I didn't eat the serving at breakfast, cause I hadn't been to the store yet, so I just had a cup of coffee. For lunch I did the yogurt and granola. I'll have an Arbonne chew for snack and a small plate of spaghetti for dinner. Water (fizzy & non) and milk only.

I'm in this people. Hope I didn't disappoint you all too much. I disappointed myself, but I have a choice to make. Either get back in and do this thing, or fail. I won't fail. Failure is not an option. It was a bump in the road, a big ass bump, but I'm still on the road. Feel free to kick my ass. Feel free to offer encouragement or motivation. I need both. On that note, here is a little Lady M for ya...

"Screw your courage to the sticking place and we'll not fail!"

Page 53

Yay! Back in the swing!

The excuse monster was sucker punching me all morning. Woke up late, Pax didn't want to eat, I had a project, flat tire, tired, grumpy, yada yada... But I pulled a Rocky Balboa. I just wasn't going down. No matter what, I was going to get my workout in! I made it to SS. Late, but made it! And I had a new friend.

Meet Bob. Oh Bob. One of my favorite people, Bri, introduced me to Bob. My life will never be the same. I'd seen Bob around town. Always thought he was a little stuck up. Never knew what the big deal was. Well now I know. Oh Bob. Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob. Bob is glorious. He's everything I've ever wanted without knowing that I wanted it. And I so want it. He's strong and sturdy. I feel safe with Bob. And yet he has a soft touch. He's a light weight. He's easy to push around. And boy oh boy, can he run! Plus, he ain't so bad to look at. I feel kind of sassy standing next to him. Yes, I think I'm in love. I love my new Bob Revolution stroller!!!

My dear friend gave me her old single since she now needs a double. It was too generous, but I am eternally grateful. It folds so beautifully in my car and I swear as I was running yesterday I heard bands of cherubs singing hallelujah! This thing is so effortless, I almost feel like I'm cheating. It just goes where I want it to. No fight. No struggle. No cussing. And it's so tall! I ran upright! I was breathing better and my back wasn't killing me. I was even a little faster. Like a 5 year old trying on new shoes, I swear I ran faster! This is the beginning of a beautiful love affair. I could almost make out with this thing I lerf it so much. Thank you Bri!!!!

Of course we played on the playground after our really great workout with Melissa. It was super fun and Pax was super adorable. Afterwards we grabbed some lunch and headed home. The day was normal. I love normal. It felt so good to finally have a normal, plain, average day. Aaaaahhhhhh.....

Food was meh. Cheerios for breakfast. Salad for lunch. Chicken, pasta and mixed veg for dinner. Snacked on an Arbonne chew, a carrot and the tiniest bite of fudge. Drank water (one fizzy), one glass of 1% milk and a hot chocolate with my guys before bed.

It's nice to be back. :o)

Page 52

I lost another week. Ok. I have a few of choices here. Beat myself up, quit, color everything rosy and pretend all is well, or learn from my mistakes and move forward. I choose the latter.

The one thing I have to remember, I have to stay focused on - this is not just a short term goal. This is a life change. So I'm changing my life again today and will continue to change it every day, whether I do right or wrong. I'm not having a "do over" I'm having a "move forward". Today will just be better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be better than that.

I had some big bumps in my road. The key is to stay on the road. I can sit on the side of it for a spell. I can fall in the middle of it. I can also run the length of it. I can face the road head on and take each step as it comes. Fast, slow, somewhere in between, I just have to keep going. Do. Not. Quit.

So hello today. I'm looking you in the eye. I will do this. I will succeed. I will own my life. I will own my body and my mind. Things may alter. Things will change. There will be yings and yangs. There will be ebbs and flows. But I will keep going. I will. I am.

Page 51

The reason I started this here blog was to hold myself accountable. Along with accountability must come honesty. So, I have to be honest... even when it's ugly, even when I don't want to.

Yesterday was a great workout. Both Stroller Strides classes this week have been great. Both have really focused on core - my weak spot. It's unusually hot, so the sweat was abundant. At the end of workout we had a little challenge, and being my ridiculous self, of course I had to over do it. Sheesh... Amanda asked us to do as many push ups as we could. She then said someone had done 50 the other day. Well you know that triggered my nut job of a brain and I had to beat it. I wound up doing 60. I'm kinda proud of that. I had spaghetti arms at the end, but I squeezed out 60 of those mutha humpas!

Played on the playground, came home had lunch. Not sure why I did what I did, but I kind of chowed out on lunch. I had way more than I should of a not very good meal. It was nothing but beef and rice and I had two enormous bowls of it. After unhinging my jaw and tossing back the calories, I felt miserable. Not just physically but emotionally. I was kicking my own ass all over the place. What in the hell was I thinking? Why would I do that? In my funk of shame I pulled an old trick out of my hat. I went to the bathroom and rid myself of the offending meal. That's something I haven't done in years. Back in my cigarette and diet pill days I was a regular binge and purger. Not an every day thing, but I had no problem intaking and outputing whenever I felt the urge.

I'm embarrassed that I did this yesterday. This was not the road I wanted to go down. I want to do this the right way. The old fashioned way. The hard way. Simple diet and exercise. No fads, no quick fixes, no old tricks. And yet, there I was staring at the splatters on the shower curtain and rinsing my mouth in the sink. It's humiliating. I'm telling you this because I don't want to hide it. I don't want to sneak around doing stupid shit. I don't want to cheat myself. I'm being accountable and being honest. Even though it's ugly. Even though I don't want to. I can't allow myself to even look at that path, much less travel it. So, I'm keeping myself in check. Finger on my pulse, not down my throat.

Come on tomorrow, be a better day, let me be a better me.

Page 50-ish ???

One, two, skip a few, 50!

Did you ever do that as a kid plating hide and go seek or some other game like that? I did, and I'm cashing that trick in again. August was a funky month. A lot of ying and yang. Ups and downs in the same day, much less week or month. Cray-cray!

As most of you know, I got pretty sick. But I also scored a killer job and had a fabulous run of Scriprov. Last week I flew to Texas. It was great seeing my family and some friends, but I also said goodbye to one of my most favorite people on the planet, one of the greatest men I have ever known, my Uncle John. See? Ying yang.

Yesterday was my big back in the saddle moment. I was back in CO, got up, got my shoes on and had a great Stroller Strides workout with my girls. I felt incredible! 4 by 44 was back in full swing! Then I got a phone call. Uncle John went on to greener pastures that morning.

It was a tough day.

I tried staying active to keep my mind from entering dark spots. I hugged Pax. A lot. I cried. I talked to my mom. We cried. I looked for comfort in all the wrong places after that; tiramisu, a chocolate bar, Pirate Booty, 2 Malibu Bay Breezes.

It was a tough day.

Tomorrow we start over.

Till then, here's a picture that I also found some comfort in. He was a great man. He was more than an uncle, he was a second father. As sad as I am, I am happy for him. He is where he always wanted to be, and he is with his daughter Stephanie again. It was a happy day in heaven.

Love and respect you Uncle John... till we meet again...

Catch up time

Hey gang

So the EM came back and took me out. Another doc visit, more meds and some much needed rest, I am on the mend. Still no exercise. Still keeping food in check. It's been harder this round. The med is making me hungry as opposed to nauseous. Yuck. Doing my best.

Today I fly to Texas. Gonna spend the week with my family and attend my high school Theatre class reunion. Should be great! I'm all set for starting my workouts tomorrow morning. I have all my gear, a two mile run mapped out and I downloaded a new app called Sworkit. It's pretty cool. You tell it what you want to work on (upper, lower, full, cardio) and for how long and then it spits out this whole plan for you. Can't wait to try it! I'll let ya know how it goes.

The only thing is, I will not have my puter with me on this trip. No bloggin it out. I'll try to get in sometime, somehow, but it may be tricky. I am going to try and write it all long hand. You know, with a pen and paper. Right? How very retro of me.

I'm excited to get back on track. I'm excited to have my life in my own hands again. I'm excited to finish what I started and reach my goal! I can do it! 4 by 44 bitches!!!!!

Page 42

Day of rest and time to hit the reset button.

Face was swollen again. I felt like shit. I forged on. Woke up before the boys, ran to the store and got groceries for the day. Made a nice big breakfast.

Afterwards, we all decided we needed to hit the reset button. It had been a long week. Tough in some ways. Good in others. We all needed to reconnect with each other and our spirits. Head up and out. We packed up Lenny Skywalker (our 4 Runner) and trucked it west. We found ourselves on top of the world at Guenella Pass. We explored. We savored. No rush. No agenda. If we saw something we wanted to stop and see, we did. We discovered little treasures we might have missed. We shared little moments busier days would skip right by; peaches, giggles, chick monks (what Pax calls chipmunks), beautiful skies, enchanting spots, little streams, big rocks, peaceful quiet, friendly strangers, funny phrases.

The whole day I had the same expression on my face - this happy contended little grin. Not a big excited smile, just a perfectly happy little grin. My senses were completely satiated - cool air on my sore skin, breathtaking views filling my field of vision, listening to the wind and bird songs flying from pine tree to pine tree, kissing in the sweetness of my little bear's cheek, the perfumes of nature in abundance. Aaahhhhh... life truly is grand.

It's stuff like this, this spontaneous adventure that make everything, everything worth while. Moving here was the greatest, happiest accident of my life. Colorado is one big, giant reset button.

Page 41

So you know that whole trend of re-purposing stuff? Well I got a good one for you. All you breastfeeding mommies - keep your booby pads! Not the disposable catch your milk leak pads, the ones you keep in the freezer to soothe your aching hooter pads. They make for great face/eye swelling reducers!

You know I woke up Saturday morning looking like a marshmallow, well I spent the whole day trying to remedy that with Preparation H and booby pads. It worked pretty well! It wasn't 100%, but enough to survive my show without looking too much like Joseph Merrick. I'm gonna swear by this anytime I get a little puffy!

The show went well. Great, in fact. It was a packed house and the audience really seemed to have a great time. I was blown away by my girlfriends all coming and cheering me on. Yep, my heart cockles were sufficiently warmed. A major bonus for me was laying Sylvia. I always wanted to take on that role, but it became even sweeter after the passing of my baby girl in May. This one was for you, my little princess on the pillow. Penelope Mae Westie; May 29, 2003 - May 11 2012

Still haven't been able to workout. I was so set to do my run, dammit. It is breaking my heart and cracking my spirit, but I am not giving up. I will meet my goal! I will stay on track! This is but a mere bump in my road. This will not take me down. This will not stop me. I can and will do this. Chin up and carry on! My short term goal is to be full swing by Monday. Let's do this!

Page 40

Freakin argh!

Had a great day yesterday everything went really well. Last night the show was killer. All this good goody good all around.

During the show I started noticing my face was puffing up. Started itching a bit. Ok, don't panic. Just stay calm. Let it go. Everything will be ok.

Went to bed with the full intention of starting my runs back up this morning. I have been looking forward to this all week long!!! I am so frustrated not exercising. It is driving me out of my ever lovin mind!!!

7:30 alarm goes off. My face feels hot and itchy. Don't panic. Get ot of bed and come down stairs. Pee. Look in the mirror. Muther fucker! My face looks like a marshmallow. My right hand is on fire and itching like mad. Under my eyes is the worst. This sucks. This sucks big giant green donkey cocks!

I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do... son of a bitch...

Page 39

Ok, so I understand why fictional monsters often have two heads. Real life monsters do! I was attacked by the two headed working mommy beast all day yesterday!

The job was incredible! We have round two today. It was incomprehensibly exciting to be back in my professional saddle. Talk about fitting in. It is truly the first time I really fit in, in years. Hand meet glove. My opinions mattered. My thoughts counted. What a sensation! Plus, it was fun! I mean real fun! I got to laugh and play grown up games (ok, so they slightly resembled some kid games). People were smart and funny and completely "on". It was incredible! The place was cool, the set up was cool (technically hot, since we were outside), the concept was cool, everything was freaking cool! And I got a workout!!! I was up on my feet running around in 4 inch wedges all day. Bouncing around, expelling a ton of energy. Cardio! I loved it! I was a mess by the end of day, but what a glorious mess. Hair flat and stringy, makeup completely worn off, clothes wrinkled and dirty, sweat beads dripping little balls of wet stank. Heavenly. During the debrief I felt like an equal, like a peer. I had done my job and done it well. I was proud. I felt good. Except... except this little gnawing at the base of my neck.

The whole day, I mean the whole day my mind would wander to my little guy. How was he. What was he doing. Did he miss me. How long till I see him. It's hard being without my little buddy. He is always with me. He goes where I go. Everywhere. Except here. There was such an empty spot. I wanted to hear his laugh all day long. Big ole crack in my heart. Every chance I got I looked at my phone to see if there was anything about him. Text. Picture. Email. Nothin. Glad I had plenty of pics to look at. That smile always brings me back to one.

After the casting I went and grabbed my guy and then headed back downtown for a Scriprov rehearsal. It was so good! I love the gentleman I am doing the scene with. What a pro! What a sweetheart! We worked our tails off. Got a lot done! It was great! There is a funny little something here though. Gotta share. At one point in the script, the character Greg sort of scolds me and gives me a little smack on the backside. I yelp and say ouch and all that. Every time we do that in front of Pax, he looses his mind! He starts yelling, "NO! That's my mommy! Stop it! No!" He gets so upset. He's my little protector. We had to change it a little so we can rehearse in front of him. It's so sweet. He doesn't want anyone to yell at me. Oh how I love him. My cockles are very warm.

After that I went to Target. Pax fell asleep and I carried him around the store while pushing the cart. This counts for an upper body workout. Strength training.

Got home and had a final fitting of my costume for Friday's Scriprov. It looks fabulous! It's a keeper! Then Shawn came home and we had a lovely evening. We decided to celebrate a wee bit and went to Ernie's for a pizza. Yum.

A little tv and then off to bed. It was quite a day. :o)

Page 37/38

Due to the insanity that is my life this week, we will be combining a couple of pages. Think of it like a lift the flap book!

So I got this job. It is kicking my ass! Not necessarily in a bad way. It's a big reminder of several things. One, I love what I did. Two, I love what I do.

On the one front, it is thrilling to be called upon for "my area of expertise". Although this whole time I keep feeling like my cover is gonna be blown. I feel like any minute someone is gonna say, "Hey wait a minute... You're not brilliant at this!" and then I'll run off and someone else yells, "Get her!" and then some big chase ensues and there's a big car scene and guns and explosions and all that hoo ha. It's that whole not trusting myself to fit in or be good enough. There's gotta be a daddy issue in there. I know it. Buy, none the less, it does feel good to have these peeps that I respect beyond words call me and ask me to join their team for a week. My nerves are pretty intense. I just keep hoping I don't screw the whole thing up and then walk around the outskirts of the community with some big black ball attached to me.

I should probably tell you what the job is, huh... I'm casting a commercial. Crazy, right?

Ok, so I get this email last week asking me for some leads on some comics & improvisers. Great! I loves me my comics and improvisers! Sure, here are some names, yada yada yada... Next thing I hear is, "Hell, why don't we just let you cast this".... boi-oi-oi-oing!!!!What?.... "Oh, and here's who you'll be working with _____" ..... Holy Schyte! Ok. It's not like I could say no. Of course I'm gonna say yes, especially when they say, "and here's what we'll pay you".... bbrrrriiiippppp (that is the sound of a kitten being pooped)

So yeah, that happened. And all week I've been busting my hump not to let any one down - including myself. So far, I think so good. Today is the biggie. Today it all comes together (crossing fingers and wishing for the best). It's been wonderful to make calls and send emails and be all important. It feels good to have my ass kissed by some folk wanting to make a good impression. I know we're not supposed to say that, but c'mon, let's be honest. It feels good to get your ass kissed every now and then. My cheeks have been getting puckered on for the last couple of days and it is a sweet sweet sensation. It's been hard work. I have had a ton of stress, but it is exhilarating! Thrilling! Hustle bustle buzz buzz buzz!!!

Oooooon the other hand... the mommy in me feels like a jack wagon. I've been able to do most of the work from home, which is fabu, but little bear sooooooo doesn't understand why mommy isn't playing. He keeps grabbing my hand and saying, "come on mommy, come on". I die every single time. I've tried taking little breaks to read a book or do a puzzle, but the phone rings or someone needs something and I have to respond. He has not been first this week and it is breaking my heart. He's being a champ about the whole thing. He really is a remarkable kid. I don't know what I did to deserve him. And doing this job makes me question how much I deserve him. It makes me realize even more how important he is. How he is the end all be all of my existence right now. I need to earn him. I need to work for this blessing, to prove I am worthy of this little angel. I need to do more, be more to and for him. I can not and will not take this job lightly ever again. This week is a wonderful wake up call. Take the time to be the mommy. Take the moments and be present in his life. This time is fleeting. Jobs will come, but he is here once. Don't waste this!

I'm glad I'm having this experience. I am so grateful for all that I am learning from it. On both sides. One thing I have to say is, I am one lucky human. There are way more moms out there that don;t get this chance. They have to work. Sometimes even two jobs. My mom did. I think about that a lot. My mom didn't get to do all this. She didn't get to enjoy the tiny little moments. She was feeding us. She worked so hard she had to miss out on us kids growing up. She was there for everything she could be, but it's the little things she missed. Those little things are the things I treasure most... and she didn't even get the chance to have them. Next week when we go visit her, I'm gonna make sure she has some of those moments with Pax. I want to give her that gift. Tiny little bits of sunshine in his eyes. Little giggles. His fingers around her thumb. His breath on her cheek. She has earned that.. She deserves that.

Page 37

Life, she is a funny little bugger sometimes.

Here are some updates... my EM is getting better every day. My last dose of meds is Tuesday and for that I am so eternally grateful! It is shocking to see it work so fast, but it took a tole on me. It's ok, I'm bouncing back and should be 100% by the end of the week. Deep breath in.... deep breath out..... ahhhh. There is light at the end of this proverbial tunnel!

While my workouts have had to be in the nil category, my eating has been in check. Mostly due to the nausea, but hey I'll takes what I can gets! Oddly enough right now, I'd rather feel pukey than feel like I want to eat the couch and everything else around me.

Some bonuses have come my way and I am celebrating every little victory.

One, I had a rehearsal for Scriprov last night. While it wasn't a great rehearsal, great things came from it. Saw exactly where and what needs tweaking. Planned some more rehearsals. Got some ideas. Worked some kinks. Plus I got to be in the company of incredible, talented people that I adore.

Two, Curiosity landing on Mars! That was amazing! It was a thrill to actually see us as a nation boldly go! My husband Shawn was giddy with excitement. I adored sharing that moment with him - snuggled on the couch in front of a lap top and an ipad for backup. We had the footage at NASA and the simulator going. So geekaliciously cool! To the young ladies of this world, heed my advice! Go ahead and date the jock, but always always marry the geek!!!!

Three, I have been hired to do a very exciting job this week! I am casting a commercial spot for a Get Out the Vote campaign here in CO. I'm working with some of my most favorite people on the planet!!! I adore, I mean ADORE the director, producer and production company!!! I so miss being a part of that world. It's nice to be in the mix again. Now, don't get me wrong I would never trade anything for mommyhood, but it's nice to be needed in a grown up sort of way. I do hope that when the time comes to return to the workforce full time I find something that fills my heart and spirit. It would be nice to be back in my field, but whatever it is, wherever I go I hope I feel as fabulous as I do when I'm working with talent.

Four, I have a little high school theatre reunion coming up next week and this time I get to go!!! Weeee!!! I have my plane ticket and am headed to Texas next Thursday! I'm gonna miss the snot boogers out of Shawn, and I know Pax is gonna be all sorts of not happy being without his daddy, but it will be so lovely to spend time with my mommy. I miss her. She is a remarkable woman and the greatest granny a kid could ever ask for. Pax is gonna love being with her!!!

Five, packing for said trip won't be nearly as heart breaking as it would have been a month ago. I threw on a pair of shorts today that I couldn't take on a trip back in June. Not only did they fit, but they fit just right. No pinching, no bulging, no squeezing. Just a zip and a snap and all was good to go! What a lovely feeling.

This theme of fitting in is hopefully headed in the right direction. I'm starting to fit into my clothes and starting to feel like I fit into my life. Positive horizons ahead.

Page 36

Day of rest and I am resting...

Page 36

Day of rest and I am resting...

Page 35

Things are getting better. The doc gave me a different dosage of the meds. It's been an interesting reaction. The good news is, I'm healing much, much quicker. The meh news is I feel so bizarre. I'm certainly not ravenous this time around. I'm more nauseous. Ok. I'm very dizzy and loopy and even passed out at one point. Shawn has been great. He's taking really good care of me and our little fella. Even bought a birthday present for Pax's friend and took him to the party for me. I've done a lot of resting. I think that is helping too. As heart broken as I am not participating in this weekend's run of Scriprov, I am thankful for the time to get better and the lack of stress. Stress usually exasperates the EM to major degrees. So this is good. I have a rehearsal on Monday. The way it looks right now, I will be there. My last round of meds is Tuesday. I may be back in full swing by Wednesday. This could be one of the shortest bouts in my history. Oh, thank goodness...

Page 34

I found myself at the doctor's office yesterday trying to get this crap behind me. The usual treatment is Medrol Prednisone. Nasty, nasty stuff. I hate it. I crossed every dangly appendage I had there might be some new, or better solution. Nope. It's either live through it and hope for the best or swallow the shit and move forward. With all that is going on, I chose to swallow the shit.

So this takes me out for a few days. One, heat. Heat makes my EM spread, so I have to stay as cool or cold as possible. No hot baths, no going outside in this weather, no warm fuzzy blankets on the couch. Two, heart rate. Gotta keep it in check. That too makes the EM spread. No exercise, no playing chase, no stress. Three, the meds. Ugh. For some reason, when I take that stuff it makes me feel so bizarre. My heart feels like its being slowed, almost sat on. It's a weird sensation. It's also depressing. It really screws with my emotions. I constantly feel like crying. Probably for more reasons than the steroid, but it certainly doesn't help. It also makes me hungry. I'm not looking forward to this battle.

I will say I fought it sort of well and then not so sort of well yesterday. The first bout was a win. I wanted ice cream so damned bad. I was looking for every reason not to buy some while I waited for my prescription at Safeway. I think it was more emotional craving than anything, but it was a force. I avoided that aisle and walked around gathering other things. I found myself in front of a pair of socks. Cheap running socks at Safeway. Ok. I'll get those. I want a treat, so I'll treat myself to those instead of some frozen strawberry creamy concoction with bits of cheesecake swirled in for good measure. I didn't do as well with the deviled eggs. Six of them. I thought Pax would like them. Nope. So I finished the little container. He had one. I had five over the course of the afternoon/evening. By that time it was a full blown reaction to the med. I wanted to eat everything I saw. I wound up having a salad for lunch, those deviled eggs, the few remaining Cheetos from Pax's lunch and a late dinner of a small plate of spaghetti and meatballs that Shawn made. I also had half an apple and a banana and two glasses of whole milk. This is gonna be hard.

My emotions are in the pooper. I'm bummin for so many reasons. I can't believe that I was on such a good trajectory and then BAM! Right in the kisser! I know I can get back on track. I have to get back on track. I refuse to let myself loose to this shit. It's a beast I've been tackling for decades and I will not let it win. It's just right now... right now I'm in the middle of the fight and I'm getting my ass handed to me. I'm uncomfortable. I'm restricted. I'm angry. I'm sad. Pax doesn't understand. He just wants mommy to play and "come on". That breaks my heart. I also feel like I'm letting folk down. Last night my show opened, and I wasn't there. Don't know if I can be there tonight. That really, really sucks. Shawn came home from work and the place was trashed. I didn't get anything done that I usually try to have done before he comes home. It's like I'm failing all around. I've got to find something good in this. I just don;t know where the hell it is. It must be under a rock or stuck in the middle of some stupid hay stack. This one is gonna be hard.

It's 5 freaking thirty in the morning. I've been up for over an hour. My head is spinning. I should be resting up for my favorite run of the week, my Saturday morning solace. I should be exhilarated from last night and thrillingly nervous about tonight. Instead I'm looking at a computer screen and trying to clear my mind. Haven't reached breathing yet. Still kinda underwater. Don't worry, I'll get there. I always do... just gonna take a couple of days... I've been here before.

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So, here it is, the next morning. I was really hoping to see a better day. Nope. The nasty stuff is not only on my left arm, but is now on my right and starting to break out up around my eyes. This isn't good. This really isn't good.

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Son of a motherless whore!!! One thing down, another pops up...

Ok, lemme splain this one too. I know some of you were probably confused about why I would be taken down for a couple of days by a bee sting. Well here's the skinny; I have a disorder called erythema multiforme. Awhatahwhoey? Erythema multiforme is a thing that causes my body, in particular my skin, to have extreme and sometimes severe reactions to certain stimuli - like sunburns, bee stings, infections, cold sores, over the counter and some prescription drugs. It's a pain in the ass.

There have been periods in my life where this was debilitating and I was unable to straighten my arms and legs for up to six weeks. There have been times when it has attacked my mucus membranes to such degrees that hospital visits were necessary. It is incredibly painful and not very pleasant to look at - which is terribly humiliating. I have to always keep this in the back of my mind and try to make sure I don't trigger it when out and about in the world. A bee sting can trigger it, which is why I was taking such intense measures to take care of it. However cautious and attentive I have been the past few days, I forgot to think about the copious amounts of Benadryl and how that might effect me. Freakin duh. It did and now I sit here with a lovely breakout on my left arm. Deep breath in. Let it out.

Good news, I got some good sweat in earlier today, even though it wasn't technically a workout. Bad news is, I had to cancel my run to try and quell the beast. My rehearsal this afternoon was in a hot room and very involved, so I was definitely glistening throughout. I did walk there and back... who am I kidding. I didn't get to work out today. It sucks. I flat out freakin sucks.

OK, so no meds tonight. Keeping calm. Focusing on positive thoughts. Cold compress and see how it is in the morning. What a week...

Pages 30 & 31

Page 30 - Hand be damned!

I spent my day nursing this thing back to health. The regimen went like this; pop some Benadryl, stick hand in bowl of ice for as long as possible, cast hand in baking soda paste for as long as possible, stick hand in bowl of ice for as long as possible, cast hand in baking soda paste for as long as possible, pop some Benadryl, lather, rinse, repeat.

Page 31 - insert Stephen Tyler screeching, "I'm baaaaaack! I'm baaack in the saddle aga-ey-ain! I'm baaaaaack!"

Yes! The bee only kept me down for two days! I did it!! Take that you little yellow and black mutha sucka!

Got us up and out the door, ready to roll. I still had a bit of a Benadryl hangover, my hand wasn't 100% and I received my regularly scheduled serving of egg drop soup, if you know what I mean, but I was there!!! I was at Stroller Strides with my girls! Hell yeah! Unbeknownst to me, it was our Olympic event class. Super fun!!! We all had a blast competing and working our ashes off. I was on the green team, which we decided would represent Jamaica. With me were Barb and Erin. Great girls! The first competition was Synchronized Fitness - we had to make up a three minute routine using certain specified elements, i.e. squats, soldier kicks, push ups, lunges, and other some suches. We Jamaicans went for creativity points while the French kind of kicked us all in the tukus with difficulty points. From there we did relays and some other crazy races. It was so much fun and a really great workout. Everything was covered. Everything got worked and everyone laughed. The Jamaicans took the silver in  most of the team competitions. Sweet! After all that we went for individual golds. Hundred yard dash, plank off and a squat off. I brought home sweet victory in the squat off!!!120 in two minutes!!! Ok, let me be a little honest here... while I'm proud of this right now, by the end of the two minutes I thought I was going to have a brain aneurysm. What the hell was I thinking? I had to tell myself at one point, "Shauna, this isn't a real gold medal. Slow down, turbo!" I don't know what gets into me... the back of my head was on fire, I got dizzy, thought I was gonna puke... sheesh. I am such a doofus when it comes to competing.

But I gotta admit... It was kinda fun wearing the little plastic medal.... yeah, I'm a dork.

Trying to remember the food stuff... breakfast... :o/  coffee and I think that's it...
lunch was a sans hate chicken and berry salad from Wendy's (yes, this is a statement I am making here)
dinner was some jambalaya. I don't recall a snack. I was a tad busy and running around.
Water all day, but 2% milk with dinner.

All I know, is that I went right over the bump in my road. I did not let it stop me or take me down. Sometimes when I'm running I want to give up. I have to fight for every foot pound on the pavement. During those moments I say to myself, "Don't quit. Just don't quit" and it keeps me going. It's easy to quit. It's hard to keep going. But when I do, when I hear the little voice on my Nike ap say, "Congratulations! You reached your goal!" it's worth every moment of pain and frustration. I know that on my birthday this year, I will hear those words in a bigger way and it will feel great! It will be worth every moment of pain and frustration. So, don't quit. Just don't quit.

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So my hand was in pretty bad shape. Very swollen, but not as bad as it has been in the past when I got stung. It burns, itches, hurts. There again, not as bad as in the past. I am determined to not let this keep me down. I will not give up because of a stupid sting.

I kept my paw in one of two states all day long - either in a bowl of ice or cast in a baking soda paste. It seems to be working. I also popped Benadryl like a junkie.

Pax is doing great. His swelling is almost all gone, as is the reddish purple-ish color around his eyes. He is playing like normal and having a grand old time.

Sleep is helping. Eating ok, despite the tray of brownies taunting me from the kitchen. Keeping it all in check. Tried doing some stairs, but nearly feel over dizzy and had to stop. Right now, standing upright and keeping up with little bear is a feat.

I will be back in the saddle before the end of this week! I will!

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Day of rest...

This week has had a recurring theme - fitting in.

There are so many times when fitting in is everything, and yet it seems so impossible. There are also times when it comes easier than expected.

I'm discovering some insecurities that I didn't want to admit. I have a hard time fitting in. I have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be in the company of others. For example, I had a rehearsal with a fella I'm doing a scene with for Scriprov. Now, I'm not just some schmuck off the street. I am a trained actor and singer. I've been doing this for years and years. But for some reason I show up to rehearsal with someone new and I start acting like I don't belong. I give them the opportunity to think of me as someone they either need to lead by the hand, or say "you'll be fine, sweetie. Don't worry" like I have no idea what I'm doing. I get all flustered with myself and start apologizing for everything. It's as if I were some 12 year old in their first community theatre play. Why do I do this? Why can't I simply own my experience and choices? Why can't I be confident in my abilities? Of course there is always room to grow and I try to learn from every experience, but I have had enough experiences that I shouldn't behave that way. It serves no one. My partners must think, "what the hell have I gotten myself into?"Well that isn't fair. I want them to have confidence and trust that I will be there just as much for them as they are for me. Why am I so damned needy?

Even at home I feel like this sometimes. I have a very hard time saying what I want and asking for what I need. Instead I either pout or give in and acquiesce to everyone else. The unfairness in that is the build up. It festers until one day I sort of spew it all up. I create victimness for myself. Ugh. How awful is that?

Here's the rub, I am not a dumb person. I have walked miles in my shoes and had as many glories as tragedies. I have a resume. I have been trained and have lived enough to bring that training to life. I have performed with greats on great stages. I have also been quelled. I have been beaten up and tossed out - literally and metaphorically. My life has run some gamuts. I need to own all of that. Every bit of that needs to ride on my surface as well as deep below. Gotta figure out this crazy insecurity and do something about it.

I need to fit in, not necessarily with other people as much as within my own skin. I think I may be using this fitting into a size thing as a tool to actually fitting into myself. Ok. Good. It's funny how my head is connecting with my body. As I'm shedding pounds, I'm shedding facades. I'm looking at my naked self in new ways and hopefully that is the path to new living.

Page 27

So I learned today I am not a big fan of wrenches. Not the tool kind, the "in the system" kind. Day started with a run. It was going well, my pace was good, I had some energy, things were going swimmingly. Then I decided to change it up and headed out of the park and into the neighborhood. That's when the spiral started spinning - heading more and more into the out of control zone. I miscalculated my route and got stuck trying to cross a street by a large, and I mean very large and very loud group of motorcycle enthusiasts riding down Lowell. I wound up really screwing up my pace and came in .08 miles off my distance. Not a real big deal, but was kind of an omen for the rest of the day.

When I got home, things were fine. The boys were up and enjoying themselves. I made coffee. Shawn made breakfast. Ok. A little later on I decided to take Pax and Huxley (our doggie) on a nature walk around the block. Spiral in full gear. About midway through, Pax and I got stung by a bee. Pax twice, one behind the knee and one right between his eyes. I got stung in the hand. I am allergic to wasps and therefor it has been assumed I am allergic to bees as well. We had no idea whether or not Pax inherited that trait. I screamed, grabbed him and started running home. I was crying, Pax was crying, poor Huxley was confused. It was a scene. Got home and yelled for Shawn. We decided to get to an urgent center immediately - just in case. We called our pediatrician and sat in the parking lot of the urgent center watching for signs of anaphylactic shock. After about 40 minutes, we knew we were out of the major danger zone, but not completely out of the woods. We left and went to a drug store to get some baby Benadryl. The window of bee allergy is 20 minutes for serious allergy, 2 hours for minor allergy. It looks like our baby isn't allergic - thank goodness. He's doing fine. His face is swollen, but going down and not in pain. Breathing.

Me? Well, one of the reactions I get with this stuff is called an exaggerated response. It usually takes about 24 hours for the response to kick in. And it is kicking in. My hand keeps swelling and the swelling spreads. It also itches and burns rather extensively, and that spreads too. The last time I got stung, I developed a staff infection and was hooked to an IV for two days. Let's hope and pray that doesn't happen this time. I'm trying to stay calm and not aggravate it too much with activity. Yep. Activity restricted. No workout. That sucks giant ones. I'm gonna try to do something. I can't let this stop me completely. I'm hoping I can go for a good walk. A fast pace sort of jaunt that can count, but not get me too worked up. A bike ride is out. Running is out. SS is out. The main goal is to keep the spreading to a minimum. An elevated heart rate makes the blood pump faster and can cause the poison to travel farther. Any suggestions?

Page 26

Wow! What a class!! Yesterday's SS class was intense! We did a countdown from 100 sort of thing. OK, lemme 'splain. We started off with a 1 minute run then stopped to do 100 jumping jacks, after that it went something like this; 1 minute run, stop, 90 crunches, 1 minute run, stop, 80 squats, 1 minute run, 70 leg lifts, 1 minute run, yada yada yada. It was non stop, hit it hard, no rest sweat factory. Our last stop before the stretch and ab under the tree, let your kids out and take a breath way we end every class, was an upper body monster workout. We hit some areas that not only rarely get hit, but desperately need to get hit. It was killer!! I ran my victory hill instead of walked. That always feels good. My calves keep taking a beating, so I asked for those stretches. Thank you Amanda. Abs were good and made harder by a two year old climbing all over me. Thank you Pax. After getting my breath back, it was taken away again by the most beautiful baby girl. Thank you Cali.

After class was playground time. Always fun. Then the day just sort of progressed - lunch, rehearsal, attempt at running errands, meltdown in a store, back home. It was a day.

I'm looking back on this week and while there were some really great moments, I feel rather disappointed in myself. It was almost like I hit a goal the week before and let that go to my head. I let myself get complacent. I allowed the excuse monster to keep me from a couple of workouts. I ate a few cookies. Not cool. Not cool at all. I let myself down. Need to figure this out and get re-motivated.

Last night was the opening ceremonies for the Olympics. I loved them. I loved a lot of Danny Boyl's metaphors and imagery. Some of it was lost on folk. Ok. One of my favorite things was his forging of the rings and how they came together. As they were floating above the stadium they burned and glowed, but they were not glamorous or shiny. They were raw. They looked like hard work. They looked like a lot of sweat and intensity went into them. They looked hand made, not manufactured. They looked almost tired, yet proud. To me they represented the athletes better than any rings in ceremonies past. Olympians are hand made. They are forged. A lot of sweat and intensity and years of  hard work make them. They are raw and as they cross their finish lines they all look tired, yet proud. For most of them, the journey is their gold. They won't have it hung around their neck, but they will have it strapped around their heart and minds for a lifetime. I need to look for my gold in this journey. I need to remember that it is not glamorous and shiny. This transformation is being forged with sweat and intensity. This doesn't end when I cross the finish line of my date or my goal, it will continue. It has to. I can be an athlete... hum... I've never said that about myself. I can be an athlete. Those words are heavy. They carry a lot of weight for me. It's something I always wanted but never thought I could be. I can be an athlete. Maybe this is the shift in the force that I need. Look at this differently. Yes I'm reaching for a finish line, but maybe there is more to this. Maybe my goal isn't a dress size. Maybe my goal is realizing a secret dream. Hummm....

Ok, well, off to run...

Page 25

Bonjour!

Yesterday's workout had a different face. Started with a one minute plank in the morning. I actually did a full minute, not just really fast counting to 60 like I wanted to do. Not easy! Shook almost the whole time, but it was good. My day was insane!!! Very tight timeline, so I took exercise any way I could - parked far away from things, so I jogged the parking lot. Carried things instead of using a cart. When I took toys upstairs I ran them three times instead of just walking them once. Calf raises at the counter. That sort of thing.

My big workout came during date night. Shawn and I went to see Tenacious D at Red Rocks. If you don't know Red Rocks, it is a way cool outdoor amphitheatre built into monoliths at a 6,450 ft elevation. There are 193 steps and about 70 rows. It is steep!! We parked in one of the back parking lots, so our trek started with a major incline. After the ramps came the steps, and they are not easy steps. After finding our seats came finding the bathroom - more steps up and then down and then back up again to go back down to my seat. Now mind you, this was all done in three inch wedge heels!!! I did not take my time. I did not stop. I knew it was going to be my big push for the day and so I pushed. It wasn't a sweat fest, but my heart raced and this morning my ass and thighs are sore!!! Big time sore! I'm counting it! And I'm counting it double due to the cute shoe factor. So there!

The show was ridiculous fun!! Shawn and I had a blast. We held hands, we laughed, we pumped our fists in the air. So damned much fun! Great show. Great date. Great night.

Hello food section. I never look forward to typing you. OK, breakfast was a medium bowl of honey nut cheerios in some whole milk. I'm out of 1%. Lunch was a southwest chicken salad. Snack was a lemon zest Luna bar. Dinner was a late night slice of pizza and half a chocolate chip cookie. Coffee, water, Arbonne fizzy water stuff, 2 lite beers and a Mike's Hard Lemonade were consumed.

Should be a better day for the goal today. My Olympic fever is pitched!!! Hooray for Opening Ceremonies!!!

Page 24

Well it looks like I have some added motivation for this here challenge. I got cast in that little film I accidentally auditioned for. How bout them apples? The funny thing? The shoot starts the day after my birthday/goal date! I love synchronicity!!!

Ok, so yesterday - workout was great! Melissa class. Had substantial Anna in the stroller. She is a sweetie! Tons of sweat. Targeted some key areas. All around great! It's interesting to notice the change in myself during the workouts. Like some sort of Olympic advertisement; I'm getting stronger, faster, farther. I'm keeping up with most of the fit girls. It's pretty cool. There are some areas I'm still pretty poky in, but I'm getting there! I'm attaching one of those motivational hoo has. I've never really been into that stuff, but this one spoke to me. So, enjoy...

Later in the day Pax and I met Shawn at his work - The National Renewable Energy Lab. It was a big 35 year celebration. We had a blast! So proud of the work he does. It was cool being with Apple, but this just seems to be bigger than all of us. It's important for the world at large. It's cool that Pax gets to see his daddy working there and gets to grow up thinking science is cool and protecting the planet is a good thing.

On a personal note, today was the first time I felt comfortable being introduced to Shawn's colleagues. I wasn't hiding or making excuses for my appearance. I simply was there with my family. It was a wonderful feeling. I didn't think I was embarrassing my husband. I wasn't looking around seeing who was cuter than me. Who might be flirting with him. I was simply there with my family. Comfortable. Proud. Confident. It was a great feeling. It makes me want to keep up the good work. It makes me want to reach my goal even more. I like this new me I'm becoming. I really do.

Food was not as successful as the rest of the day. Skipped breakfast. Had a cup of coffee and fizzy energy stuff in my water. Lunch was a BLT and salad at Kyle's Kitchen. Dinner was a hamburger and very small amounts of side salad stuff from the NREL picnic. Then... I hate to admit it... I did eat two and a half chocolate chip cookies that Shawn made last night. With a cup of whole milk. Kazoinkers!!! He is an evil tempter, that man o' mine!!!

Page 23

Good morning. 'Twas a much better go at it yesterday.

Pax was well on his way to oversleeping, so I broke the cardinal rule and woke him up. I got us dressed, him fed, water bottles filled and out the door. It was rather whirl-windish, but it worked.

At the start of class, a fellow Strider handed out some Arbonne fizzy stuff to put in our water. She said it would give us energy and some other hoo ha. You know, natural organic crunchy hoo ha. Lots of talk about genetic modification and what not. All I know is heard "energy" and said ok. I'm usually skeptical about this kind of stuff, but thought what the hell. I poured it in, shook it up and took a swig. Not bad tasting. Then off we went.

Amanda class. The sweat level was as high as her energy. Some good upper body stuff. Which I do have a slight fear of. I am all for toning the arms, but I am one of those folk that develop muscle rather quickly. In two areas in particular - traps and lats. Now if you're a fella, that's a great place to get some bulk. If you're a chick, not so much. I've noticed in the past that I can easily start to look like Helga from the Russian women's wrestling team in a hurry. It ain't pretty. Gotta remember to keep that in check.

As for the fizzy water stuff, I gotta admit it worked. I wasn't dead at the end of the workout. I felt like I could keep going. Okay! I talked to the Arbonne gal and she sent me home with a whole try it out kit. Pretty cool! I started reading some of the lit. It seems interesting. I even tried another product. It's a little piece of taffy looking stuff that is supposed to curb your appetite. That worked too and was quite yummy. My mind is opening. I need to look a little more into this stuff, but I just may have to purchase and item or two or twelve. We'll see.

The rest of the day was sort of uneventful. Normal nice day with my little guy. I do love a normal nice day with him. Actually, I just love every day with him. Last night he did something I was looking forward to since I knew he was coming. He made up a song and sang it out loud! It was all about a blanket. "My blanket is stripey!! My blanket is soft and fluffy!! My blanket keeps me warm!!" He has good pitch. Proud mommy.

Food was meh. Skipped breakfast. Had coffee. Lunch was left over jambalaya. Snack was that Arbonne shew thing. Dinner was chicken, pasta and mix veg. Water all day with a glass of milk at dinner.

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Well, I am being consumed by guilt as I let the excuse monster win. Yesterday was a total bust on the workout front. Started off chugging downhill. Pax slept until 9:20, so getting to SS by 9:30 was pretty out. I had great intentions of doing a workout at home. I really did. It just... never happened. I wish I could say why. I wish I either had some grand reason or had simply done something. Instead I went to the pool with P Bear. We were there for way more hours than I anticipated. When we got home, I sat on the couch for a good hour. I did nothing. Well, except watch Miss Advised.

Uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

(Please insert image of large, dirty boot kicking my ass here)

Ok, gotta take something away from this. Gotta find a positive. I know, I positively will not do that again. I feel awful. Slept like shit. The back of my brain was gnawed at all night. Don't like this feeling. Don't want this feeling. Not gonna have this feeling anymore.

Today is a new day. Today I will get it done. Today I win.

The one thing I did do was keep food in sort of check. Portions were in control. Choices were ok. I did give myself a small pat on the back when I ordered a lo-cal fruit smoothie instead of a DQ Blizzard.

I'll call this day an 80/20 loss. But I will take this loss and use it as fuel for my fire. I will recognize this feeling and know it by name. I will not let it in the door again, no matter how hard it knocks.

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The day of rest...

Page 20

Wow!!! What a day!!!!!

I started off with a nice run, 2.27 miles. The incredible part is, I shaved another minute off my pace!!! I actually got down to 10:24!!!!! I can't believe it!!! Must have been the music... I don't know what it was, to be honest. I'm just elated... and shocked.

I came home and the guys were still asleep, so I had some quiet time to myself. It was glorious. I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. And loved every minute. Once the little fella got up things got busier, but I clung to the memory of the calm before my storm. After coffee and cereal, I spent most of the day preparing for the night - both mentally and physically getting ready. I got in a good hot shower - yay!! Curled my hair and got all gussied up. It was so nice getting dressed!! The little shift I put on didn't "fit" like it usually does. Fabulous!!! I still rocked it. Just rocked it with some room. I went over my song a hundred times, kissed my guys and headed off to the theatre.

The event I was performing in was a fundraiser for The Vintage Theatre. It was an evening of songs from musicals, but they were supposed to be songs you would never be cast to do. Men singing women's songs, older folks (i.e. myself) doing leads and ingenue roles, characters way out of the realm of possibility. It's a cool concept and made for a smashing show!! I didn't know what to expect. There were no rehearsals until that day. I didn't know anyone I was performing with. Nothing. I was just thrilled to be a part of it. I had no idea how thrilling the whole thing would be!!!

The people who took that stage were some of Denver's theatre elite. Major heavy hitters in the Colorado musical theatre world. Veterans. They were remarkable and breathtaking. I couldn't believe I was sharing a spot with them. They were also kind and generous and fun and witty and all around fantastic! I chewed every moment with them. I wanted more and more and more. Simply could not get enough and did not want it to end. It was like I was their biggest fan and not their equal. I was intimidated and honored at the same time.

It's been quite a while since I've done any musical theatre. I mean quite a while. Years actually. The last thing I did was an original show called Bubs. It was a great show, but unconventional and I mostly sang ensemble in it. I've fronted plenty of bands. I've sang at grillions of events. But this was musical theatre - an animal unlike any other. I felt very fish out of waterish. I was more nervous about performing in front of the performers than the audience. Trying to contain myself was not proving effective. So I had to have a Peter Reigert moment. A wha? Ok, let me explain...

A few years ago one of my plays was being produced at The Berkshire Playwright's Lab Opening Gala. It was a big deal. A very big deal. My piece was alongside brand new works by David Mamet, Eric Bogosian, Larry Gelbhart, Joe Cacaci and others. I was the only unknown on the bill. The people on stage in these plays were the likes of Karen Allen, Peter Reigert, Dan Lauria, David Rasche and some of the most incredible talent I have ever had the privilege to know. This was the major poop kitten fest of my life. Nothing but "holy cows" all around. I have never been so intimidated. It just felt like I didn't belong. Like I somehow conned my way into this and was in way over my head.

I spent a week in The Berkshires. A whole week getting to know these people. We rehearsed and dined and chatted and danced. Crazy!! At first, I was terrified. Had no idea what to say or how to act or anything. One night, we were all sitting in a hotel watching a basketball game. Peter Reigert was sitting right next to me. About halfway through the game he leaned over and started talking to me and changed my whole experience. He called me out. He saw what I was feeling and put a stop to it. He reminded me why I was there. He said I wasn't there as a charity case, no one was taking  pity on me. I was there because my work was good. I earned it. And then he told me to own it. I was an equal. Every moment after that was different. I walked through the rest of my time there on the same ground as every one else. I didn't float above or drudge below. I walked right alongside.

Last night I needed Peter in my ear, in my head. I got him there long enough to perform. Seemed like I did a good job. Unfortunately he left as soon as the show was over and I became an idiot fan all over again....

Feeling like I deserve something is hard. Feeling like I belong is a challenge. I always over compensate and go for the crazy, for the inappropriate, for the laugh. Yes, it's a part of me, but it isn't who I really am. Why can't I let her out in these situations? Why does the loud, overbearing insanity take over? OK...well... there's something else to work on, I guess. Who knew this little blog about a fitness challenge was gonna turn into my therapy session?

Food, my other issue - breakfast, 1/4 bowl of cereal with 1% milk. Lunch, left over chicken fajita meat and rice. Dinner, one almond brownie, one snickerdoolde cookie, one glass of red wine, one slice of pizza. Yeah... that happened....

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With the craziness of yesterday, I took the day off. I made it a day of reflection and love. It was not an excuse. It was a choice. Restraint was present in my food choices, but I did not go out into the world. I stayed home and played with my son.

That said, I will go back to Thursday. Thursday was a good day. A very good day. Pax and I got our Stroller Stride on. It was a fabulous class with Melissa. Solid workout. Tons of sweat.

Towards the end of class I had a little personal moment that put a bit of a lump in my throat. We were challenged to sprint up a hill. I was pushing the double with Pax and Substantial Anna. About halfway up I started thinking about that hill. That hill in particular. When I first started going to Stroller Strides that hill was the bane of my existence. I couldn't run up that hill. I would start running but always pooped out and had to walk the rest of the way. I thought about the first time I ran the whole hill. It was such a victory for me. I remember celebrating with Sarah and how big and proud the smile was on her face. It was at that moment I knew I could be a better me. I knew that my age was not the obstacle in my way, giving up was. I can do anything I work hard enough for. So as I sprinted up that hill with two kids in my wagon, I saw Sarah's smile in my mind. I felt proud and celebrated with myself for a brief moment. It was a victory. Not only can I do this, I am doing this!

After class we played for quite a while. Mostly on the playground, but Pax and I had a special fun time under some pine trees in the field. We pretended we were looking for raccoons. Then we were raccoons, and frogs, and bunny rabbits, and birdies. We crawled and chased and giggled. We had fun. Another one of those moments I'd trade a million dollars to go back to one day.

Next on our agenda was a little treat for mommy. Daddy and I had a date night planned, so I wanted to maybe get a little top or skirt or something to make me feel pretty. Off to Kohl's! Going through the racks I I took two sizes in everything I picked out - 8 & 10, M & L. I've been wearing 10 & L, but I thought I would at least see how close I was to 8 & M. Well, I wasn't close... I was right on the money!!! Yes!!! I dropped a size!!!! And let me tell you, I wasn't squeezing into the 8's. The M's weren't snug. They fit. They fit well. Not one suck in to snap!!! They fit!!!! In three weeks I have dropped a size!!! Booyeah bitches!!! On that high note I bought two skorts, one top and a necklace!!! I deserve it!

That evening, I looked cute! New outfit, hair done, makeup on, 3" wedge sandals. Workin it! I went to pick up Shawn and we headed out to Red Rocks for some Tenacious D!! Hell yeah!! (insert the sound of chirping crickets here and the image of an empty parking lot) We were there on the wrong night. Yeah... a whole week early. OK, no problem. We had a good laugh and decided to go see a movie. Wasn't gonna waste all that cuteness on the couch! We stopped at Noodles & Co for a quick bite and then went to the Century 16 in BelMar. We saw Spiderman in 3D. It was incredible. Way better than either of us expected. We loved it. On our way out we saw everyone in line for the midnight show of Dark Knight Rises. If we hadn't had a friend watching Pax at home, we would have stayed to see it. Everyone looked so excited to be there. There was such a cool energy. But we went home and all those people in line had a great time watching a cool movie, none of us aware of what was happening in a parallel universe of sorts just a few miles away. Maybe that is why I was so effected yesterday. I know we all were. I just kept thinking of those happy, excited faces in line. I'm sure they were the same  smiles and expressions on the faces in Aurora....

Page 18

I was going to do my report for Thursday...but it's kind of hard to bring myself to it. Not because of the day I had, but because of the awful events that occurred last night.

Today I simply want to be grateful for my family and friends. So let's all put our arms around those we love and those we don't know. Life is precious and fleeting. Today my workout doesn't matter. Today my food doesn't matter.

May the craziness of this world no longer consume those who are susceptible. May we have fellowship and kindness. May we have understanding and forgiveness. May we treat all people with the love of family. May we never hear breaking news stories like this again.

Page 17

Shawn and I kind of win the bad parents of the year award. After a sort of late dinner Tuesday night, we let the little bear watch a movie - The Adventures of Winnie The Pooh. It's the one from the 70's. The original Disney Pooh. We somehow didn't remember it being THAT long of a movie. Well it was and needless to say our little P Bear didn't get to bed till late late late. Like after 10:00 late! I know, right!! That little butterfly flap of a mistake caused timing chaos for the whole next day. Hello cause and effect. As a result I completely missed Stroller Strides. I did get to catch up on some crappy TV while he slept. Silver lining!

The day was pretty planned out, so I had to figure a way to get some huffin and puffin in. (insert image of a large stone with a couple of scared little birds in the background) Ok, I needed to get some groceries and I needed to get some exercise. Two birds, one stone. I literally ran to the store! Yay!! It wasn't as long a run as I would have liked, but at least I ran. Uphill there, downhill back. But on the journey homeward, the stroller was loaded with kid and kitchen. Bout a mile and a half total. Like I said, not a big run, but a run none the less.

Food, food, food... ok, breakfast was fat free yogurt and granola, lunch was :o/  hummm... can't remember lunch, dinner was a sort of late, but small plate of spaghetti & meatballs. Water and one glass of milk all day.

Had a fun thing happen to me. I was attending a rehearsal for a show at Adam's Mystery Playhouse. As I walked in the door I saw an old pal. Not someone I expected to see there. I hugged his neck and asked him what he was doing. Turns out he is line producing a film that was holding auditions. He then asked me to audition. Ok. What the heck! I got the script and a small breakdown and jumped on in. It was wonderful! Had a great time creating a whole character in a matter of moments. I felt so alive. Not sure what it is, but one of the most thrilling things for me is to inhabit the skin of a character.

When I got home I told Shawn about the audition. Through an "interesting" conversation I tried to convey why it is I love acting. I know for some it is the product, and that is great! Applause, effecting an audience, response, it's all incredible... but that isn't what does it for me. It truly is the process. I just love discovering parts of me that can make up someone else. I love diving into the being of another soul. Maybe it's escape. Maybe it's discovery. I don't know, but there is nothing like it. Characters. I love characters. Maybe that's why my plays are so dialogue heavy and character driven. I just love characters.

Page 16

When Pax gets frustrated because something isn't going the way he thinks it should or isn't working or is stuck, I always tell him to slow down and try a different way. I find this lesson has helped me as much as it (hopefully) is helping him. If you just take a breath and rethink or re-look at a situation, you can generally figure out a way out. Take yesterday for an example.

The day was going pretty well. I was getting all my hoo ha done (chores) while still being able to play with Pax and make sure he was happy. I even got in a tiny bit of reading time! My Scriprov girls came over at 5:30 to pick a couple of final scripts for the show. It was great, but ran a bit longer than we anticipated. Shawn came home with a list of stuff he wanted to do. So my 6:00 run got pushed out. I was trying to be a champ about it and say, "No, it's ok. I'll just run an extra something sometime..." Yeah, that's not how I was feeling at all. I really wanted to get my run in. Big time. For a couple of reasons 1) I am committed to this goal. 2) I am falling in love with running 3) That is the one time I have completely to myself. No phone. No one talking to me from the other room. It's all mine. I can listen to what I want to listen to. I can think what I want to think. I choose which direction to go. Yes, it is my selfish moment. I look very forward to it. So with that gone for the day I was feeling a bit grumbly.

After I kind of shut a door with a wee bit more force than I think the moment warranted, I stopped. I slowed down and decided to try a different way. (Deep breath in, deep breath out) It worked. I got dinner started. I knew the chicken was going to take about 40 minutes and that gave me time to get my sweat on. I did the tone arm pyramid from last Monday three times in a row and between each set I ran up and down the stairs three times and after the last set I ran five times. It worked. I felt sooooooooooo much better. I got my exercise. I got the guilt monkey off my back. I got a little me time, even if it was just in the breakfast room and on the stairs.

The food battle continues. Breakfast - Honey Nut Cheerios and 1% milk. Lunch - left over four berry salad. Snack - carrot and some chocolate cherry tomatoes from the garden. Dinner - Oven roasted sweet and spicy boneless skinless, butternut squash risotto, mixed of veg; carrots, corn, green beans, asparagus tips. What was bad about today is I didn't eat a proper lunch. I was busy doing stuff and just nibbled here and there on a bowl of fruit and mint in a balsamic brown sugar dressing. Just not the smartest approach to nutrition.

Oh well, time to turn another page.

Page 15

Running late! Scurried about like a neurotic squirrel getting everybody ready, gathering up supplies and getting out the door. We made it. Breathe.

Glad I had the double stroller. A new girl to the group has two kids and a single. Her oldest, Anna rode with Pax. She is an adorable and substantially sized four year old, so I really got an extra bump in my workout! It was good. In addition, I kind of set a little challenge for myself. I wanted to do my reps faster than what was being counted, so I could maybe double them. For the most part, success! Push ups, bicep curls, squats - all double what was being asked. The only thing I didn't double was crunches. Oi mutha humpin vey my core is in need. That, ladies and germs, is my weak spot. I'm pretty good with upper body, solid with lower, but the core, oh the core. It kills me every time and it is the one type of exercise I have a tendency to "pause" on.

The workout was a major sweat fest. I had a lake in my bra there was so much boob sweat. Streams of salty body juice were flowing from my shoulders into my shorts. Lovely, truly lovely. In all the glistening glory, Pax and I played on the playground for a good hour and then headed to lunch. I'm sure I looked and smelled quite appetizing to the fellow patrons of Chic-fil-a. The rest of the day was spent playing and tidying the house. Normal nice day.

Food wasn't bad. Skipped breakfast in all the hurry, but had about a half a cup of coffee. Lunch was a chicken strip salad with low fat honey mustard. Snack was a handful of fresh cut vegetables; carrots, celery, radish, yellow peppers, orange peppers, cherry tomatoes, zucchini. Dinner I pan seared some skinless boneless in a balsamic rosemary marinade, made some basmati brown and wild rice and green beans tossed in a little butter and lemon pepper. Yummy. Pretty healthy.

After dinner the guys wanted some ice cream. Shawn had brought home a gallon of Blue Bell Rocky Road. Argh! I scooped out a big bowl for the boys to share and put one scoop in a tiny bowl for me. When all was said and done and Pax had been bathed and put to bed, I started feeling super guilty about the ice cream. I expressed that to my man to which he replied, "I was kind of proud of you for only having one scoop in that little bowl". Pleasant little smile. That made me feel much better. He sure does know how to be the cherry on the ice cream sundae of life. Love him!

Page 14

Two weeks in!

This day of rest was quite pleasant. Slept in super late - all of us! Sweet! My man made a yummy brunch and then we had a nice relaxing afternoon.

I got to get a little gussied up for our evening soup and soul service at church. Tried out a new eye shadow, curled my hair, threw on a skirt and sported some heels. I felt great! It was almost like the old me. Had my sassy going on!!!

Shawn took our little bear to have some guy time, so I was free handed at church. During our little pre-service music refresher practice (still filling in for the music director. still loving it!) I was chatting with the bloke playing guitar. He told me he was celebrating his 62nd birthday. He so does not look 62!! So I said to him, "Wow! I would have never guessed 62! I thought you were closer to my age!" To which he replied, "Fifties? Forties?" (please insert the sound and image of a fully blown up balloon twisting in the air as it rapidly deflates) All confidence gone. Out the window. Bye bye.

After church we had a little ice cream social. Oh restraint, you are a coy little monkey. I had some ice cream, I did. I did not face plant myself into a tub of it and for that I am elated.

There was a bit of a duel going on. The caramel sauce threw down a gauntlet. I picked it up. We battled. Let's call it a draw. There was a time I would have whored out my mother for some caramel covered ice creamy goodness. There were many occasions I found myself licking drippings off any part of myself and my surroundings with no regard for decorum. Not today. Today I contained myself. Today I had one small spoonful on one scoop. Chin up. Chest high. Hosah.

Then we got home... then there were cookies. I had four. And some milk. (please insert the sound and image of a fully blown up balloon twisting in the air as it rapidly deflates)

Page 13

This morning started with a run. 2 miles around the lake. Not Sloan's, but Rocky Mountain. It's much smaller, so more like running around a track. It was good run. I started strong and finished strong. So strong, I shaved a full minute of my pace! When I started this 13 days ago, I was running well over a 13 minute mile. The other day I was at 12.32. Today I did 11.31!!! Proud? Yep.

I started focusing on my stride. I think that's what has made the difference. I noticed I was doing a lot of up and down. Short steps. More like a trot. Now I'm trying to do a longer step. More of a wide gait, I guess. That sounds wrong. Bigger strides. I don't know if this is right, but it feels better. Except for one thing. I have done something to my calf muscle. It was so tight on my run and pretty painful by the time I got home. Thank goodness for hot baths. If only they were solo and uninterrupted. Mine was first joined by a myriad of little plastic animals and then one little fleshy animal. It still helped. As did the lovely bath salts from Amanda. I stretched and walked it out afterwards. By the end of the day I was feeling much better.

Also went for a nice bike ride with my guys. Nothing too major. Just a fun little neighborhood jaunt. Gonna count it too. I kept my gears at a challenging level. Kept my pace solid. Had a toddler strapped in an ibert seat. Yeah, it's going on the books.

Mealage was more on the yummy side than diet side. Breakfast was boring same old same old; cereal. Lunch was a ham & cheese sammy with a couple of whole grain baked pita chips. Snack was a banana and blueberries. Dinner was a ribeye off the grill with brussel sprouts and grilled potatoes. Water except the wine. Had a couple of glasses already and gonna go sit and have another with my handsome man. Who knows, maybe I'll get some more exercise in!

It's my 25th high school reunion tonight. I'm not there, so I'll celebrate from afar. Cheers to old times!

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Well aright then. Back at it, sort of full force. Got up, got the boys dressed, fed and/or coffeed, got myself laced up, water bottles filled, ghetto wagon out of the car, double stroller into the car and off we went to Stroller Strides. It was an Amanda class, so I figured the pace was going to be extreme. I was right. Sweat sweat sweat sweat sweat sweat sweat. No breaks, no reprieves. It would have been great on a normal day. I don't know what the damage was, but my energy level was off. I hung in there, but my reps weren't nearly as fast and furious as they have been. I even took pauses. Don't know if it was the 2 glasses of wine from the night before. Don't know if it was the unusual humidity we've been experiencing. Just don't know. I really want to beat myself up, but that is so counterproductive. It serves no purpose. So I won't. I will celebrate the simple fact that I made it. I made it to and through class. I stayed on course and showed up. That is a victory. I won't say I feel great, but I will say I feel good. Okay. I'll take that.

We had a really full day. Pax and I zoomed from SS to a big play date with the preschool he will be starting in a couple of months. It was fun. Lots and lots of swinging, so my arms got a little more of a workout- heh heh! It was a nice time. Sweet kids, lovely moms, good combo. Afterwards we went with one of the kiddos, Arthur, and his mom and baby sister to get some frozen yogurt. Once hyped up on that it was back home for some serious play!! Chase was the game of the day! Weee!!! All around the backyard approximately 463 million times!!!! As tired as I was, I couldn't say no. He's gonna want me to play with him for about this long (---------) and then it'll be, "Hey mom, I'm going with the guys. See ya later" So I chased. It was one of the brightly sunny days that I would give a million dollars to go back to when I'm at the end of my life. So I chased. A fleeting moment that probably means more to me than he'll remember. But I hope he at least remembers his mom loved him so much, she got on the ground and played, played hard. So I chase. I chase this goal so I can keep playing.

I've really got to get a hold of the food. I keep saying that and maybe one day I'll actually hear myself saying that. Breakfast; cereal and coffee. Lunch was a non fat frozen yogurt with almonds, strawberries and kiwi. Second lunch was a piece of left over chicken. Snack was some carrots and tomatoes from the garden. Dinner was sausage and peppers on a roll, like back in Staten Island. Drank nothing but water. Yeah, I know....

Had a big reward yesterday!!! My husband was home after work and we were all in the front yard having a good time. He came over to me, wrapped his arms around me, gave me a kiss and said, "It's really working. I can really see a difference." That was worth every drop of sweat, right there.